desperate for friends & support.my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
desperate for friends & support.my story
10
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 9:11am
i've been avoiding the boards b/c the new format makes me nuts but i know i need to talk to others in this familiar situation.so i don't feel evil...so i don't feel alone.i am married w/ 3 children to a very nice man,but it's common knowledge that i'm very unhappy.maybe marraige wasn't the best option for me(but i can't imagine another...my children,you know...who wants to be alone?)or maybe i married for all the wrong reasons.i've made my share of mistakes,& i'm quite upfront about them.my search for happiness is apparent among my friends.i also have a biting tongue & a feirce anger when i'm crossed.so my story will sound awful in the telling & if it were my friend i'd tell her to run fast in the other direction,but i cannot & i do not know what is happening to me.this past summer i broke all my beleifs & fell in love w/ a man who is signifigantly younger than me.he fell in love w/ me to the point of a night of tears & admissions & then proceeded to put a ring on his girlfriend's finger.i was quite the lady about it,but our battles were outrageous.then the wedding began it's planning stages in very quick succesion.it's only 9 months away.i was relieved to find out thru a friend who spent time at a party w/ them that she is tacky,has quite a filthy mouth & has revealed after the marraige plans that he is not aware of.i have to bite my tongue from revealing all this when i get angry & sometimes i lose the battle.she is everything he embodies in a mate & gives him no conflict.she tells him what he wishes to hear.so i am quite a change.he has said that he will never leave her.he has said that she is his best friend...to which i laugh & ask...then why do i know more about you than your BEST friend?they are the same,they have fun...but me,he says...i am his favorite friend...i am his TRUE love.there lies the rub.our relationship is common knowledge among the group of people in which we met.you can't hide something like that when your time together is limited.i am everything his beloved is not.he finds this enthralling.we tried to stop it,we tried the we'll be friends route(ha)& it sent me spiraling into a rage & into despair.everytime we parted i felt worse & would be in tears on the phone or wreck waiting for him to call & as he got more casual about us i would fall to pieces.i'm talking total nervous breakdown stuff.i would turn to stalker girl,i would lash out to hurt...he would always respond.then we had a phone conversation after one of my biting farewell emails & he turned back into the man i loved...telling me truths & facing his real feelings as opposed to ones he felt he SHOULD have.i was astounded.i'm good for him that way.he tries his best to avoid pain & conflict,& i force him to react.he hasn't run yet.i insisted we meet(we were supposed to be at the same party this weekend & i refused to allow that to be our 1st meeting.)i was a wreck.it was over,you know?but then...we knew it wasn't.i said everything i could possibly imagine to hurt him to the quick...i thought i might apologise for this next time i see him,but now i think...why should i?it is what it is...& i am what i am & i've done what i've done.i don't know why i love this man w/ the intensity that i do.i don't know why i fall apart when i convince myself he doesn't love me anymore.i don't know why i torture myself after every conversation,i don't know why i put my family at risk...or even my reputation for that matter.actually...part of me has accepted him getting married,b/c at 1st i found him shallow,& i suppose if he he were free to be w/ anyone i wouldn't trust him.i've told him so.so PART of me feels releif in this.BUT......i do wish it weren't so soon.we agreed that we can't stop it.i still partially dread meeting him at this party full of old knowing friends & i dread another scene...i have insisted that if this is to go on,that we make time...preset time for us.to do whatever...make love,or even just have dinner.then my anger & resentment won't build.he agreed,but became a bit panicked at the thought of managing it(hey...it's easier for him than me...besides,my h is way smarter than his gf..& has more of an inkling of my transgresions.)but i said that this is my only request.i'm scared to death & i know i'm wrong & don't laugh but even a psychic who was all for this at 1st insisted i stop b/c whoever is in charge of creation is angry at me(like i'm the worst sinner in the world,right?)i cannot stop.i even tried to get my husband to move us far away...i thought of moving myself w/ the kids.thank you if you managed to get thru my novel...i just need friends who understand so very badly & a place i can go where i don't feel i'm wrong to FEEL.....sus
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:08pm
i'm most likely being a pain...but i hate that this passed to page 2(never to be seen again!) & wanted to bring it to the top again,b/c i feel so alone & so crazy.i need some friendly words & to just know that i'm not bad or out of my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:44pm
anon -- i'm going to reply here after reading your really long, really confusing post. you've got alot of anger stored up, don't you girl!

so you're married and very unhappy with your situation and have been for a long time. and OM is now proceeding on his own course to marry his GF and you're pissed about that. and on top of everything, you keep trying to push him away from you with all the nasty stuff you've said to him.

i feel like you want him to choose between you and his GF and he shouldn't have to. he's entitled to live his life the way he wants to. AND SO ARE YOU!

what do you want out of the A? do you want to leave your M and make a life with OM? what does he want from you? if OM doesn't consider you his "best friend", what are you to him?

i'm not trying to tell you to dump your OM, just trying to understand what you're asking for. i'd like to offer support, i just don't know for what!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 12:58pm
I'm sorry, I have to agree with gurl. I got halfway through your post and was totally lost. If you could post the cliff notes version, I know that people would be very willing to offer opinions and support...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:31pm
oh wow...i'm so embarrassed!i suppose i'm more confused than i thought.i also suppose the onslaught of feelings that this affair has brought up...trying to break it off/trying to do the right thing/then not being able to resist eachother has made me nuttier than i thought.cliff note version...we met,felt connected,but i would never go for a younger man.then about the time he became engaged,we began spending time with eachother & ended up very dramatically professing our true love for eachother.we're both actors & quite melodramatic.he initially complained about his gf alot.our group of friends would gossip behind his back that he had no bussiness getting married if he was so miserable.it was thought that he was just on the prowl.after we became very involved i knew i loved him(in kind of an uncomfortable desperate way) but didn't quite trust his motives.so,yes...i tested him on every level.i suppose as the marraige plans became more solid i had trouble understanding how he could say things to me like"true love""love you more than anything"etc.his gf is a beautiful girl but she is not anything like me.he is surprised that i'm married to a normal average nice guy.i have asked questions that i don't need to know the answers to & learned that my life w/out him disturbs him as well.the difference between us is that i lay my feelings on the table & he has been taught to supress discomfort.i do understand that marraige is more than lust..it's a "bussiness" arrangment between 2 people as well.i understand but at the same time my emotions & maybe even my ego gets in the way.thruout our conflict we've become more honest & even closer but you are right about the anger.absolutely.& actually i wrote an email apologising for my last viscious attack & explained it rationally.i have decided that i want to make our time together good.that i will learn to check my anger at the door.i'm just confused by my behavior & my emotional state being determined by someone elses degree of love & desire for me.if he loves me,i'm fine...if he's better w/out me i'm a wreck.i sometimes wonder if i'm in this b/c in some twisted way i enjoy suffering,or if i'm in the midst of true love.i really didn't mean to get you all caught up in my angry tirade.i learned alot reading here today.i learned even more by your responses.i didn't realize how i sounded.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:38pm
oh,& as for the questions gurl asked?believe me...all the possibilities have been dicussed.i mean...at least we communicate.however,i suppose what happened is that when we weren't in a situation when we were forced to be together daily(when we were working together)communication broke down.that's when "real life" became more...well..real.& suddenly all the answers to the questions changed.we're still trying to figure out what we want.but we're going to try to do it together.that's why i want rendezvous time w/ him as opposed to just running into eachother.thank you for the reality check
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:46pm
okay, that's much better, anon. now i can talk to you!!

and you must talk with OM, calmly and rationally. better said than done, i'm sure, but still you both have to communicate on an honest level and try to figure out some answers to those questions.

BUT you should make your own decision, especially about your M. you say you're married to a nice, normal guy. what does that make the OM - a crazy single guy? think about what YOU want from life and the path YOU want to take. and be ready to follow that path, with or without the OM. he has his own path.

settle down and think about what you want and need and then go for it!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:59pm
No, don't be embarrassed or apologize for being confused. It does sound like your situation is confusing, and from the point of view of people who have absolutely no knowledge of it, it helps to start out at a less detailed level.

Speaking as someone who is the exact opposite of melodramatic, it is a little hard for me to relate to the day to day highs and lows of your affair. Frankly, I would freak out if I were in your shoes. But it appears that you're both on the same page in terms of how you express yourselves, so that part doesn't really seem to be YOUR issue. And there are some people who just thrive on drama, and would be bored stiff in a relationship where there were not histrionics on a daily basis, and that's okay. Maybe you fall into that category.

"i suppose as the marraige plans became more solid i had trouble understanding how he could say things to me like"true love""love you more than anything".

Well, I can certainly see how that might be confusing you. It would confuse anyone. This man sounds profoundly befuddled. However, he's said (from another of your posts) that she is 'completely fulfilling to him in every way', and so maybe he's said it all, and that should tell you that you need to exit the situation. Either it's true or it's not, but I don't see that it really matters as long as his fiancee is in the picture. And that has to be HIS decision, and if you want him to make a good decision, then it's best made if you are not in the picture influencing it.

I'm sorry, and I really feel for you. As it is, it does not sound like a winning relationship for anyone involved, and I hope you can find a way out of it and can focus that time on dealing with your marriage. If you have three children, that sounds like the first priority. Just my opinion...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 2:10pm
yes...& i'm glad now that i wrote the apology,b/c now i see how much anger has been clouding my judgement.i remember driving him home & in the midst of a conversation i went ballistic.after i finished,i said...i'm sorry.sometimes when i'm leaving you i wonder if i'm ever going to see you again & i go out of my mind.he said the same thing happened to him.his "crazies" are the same as mine are.he has the same jealousies about my h.i'm just more verbal about them.he's not crazy single guy...he's actually quite tamer than he'd like to appear(especially w/ the ladies)my husband is more nuts,but om sees me as being married to some eccentric artist & actually wonders what i even see in him(OM)as for what to do...ignoring eachother didn't go so well."see ya around,friend" didn't go so well...so we've decided on a love affair.we're going to see how it works.that's why i needed the feedback.b/c now this is going to be"my affair" with all it's ups & downs & all i can say is that since we decided on this..together...i've stopped shaking & crying nonstop.i feel almost normal again.crazy,isn't it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 2:16pm
indeed it does sound crazy, and normal at the same time, but when we're involved in an EMA/A, it's ALL crazy, a rollercoaster of emotions (thus those "ups and downs" you talk about). i can't wait to hear more about your EMA -- two artists and all that drama. girl, you're in for it now!

just try to enjoy the time you have with OM, when you're with him. when you're not, don't angonize over "what's he doing" or "where is he", whatever. the EMA is supposed to be for fun, so lighten up and have some!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Thu, 10-16-2003 - 2:18pm
mommydotcom...you are right.i am not someone who usually gives themselves the benefit of the doubt,but i do beleive that he deludes himself alot.i've learned that about him thru knowing him.he's as much as admitted it.i challenged him on the same things while we were friends...& i KNOW i should leave.when i did that's when i got sick & bitter & angry.to say i CAN'T right now sounds weak.but i'm weak.i'm so hoping this passes.really.sometimes i think that playing it out will make it end as fantasy ends & reality begins.i really am a fool aren't i?i should leave now while he's wanting more & at least hang on to my dignity.or think about my family.sometimes i can't stand myself.