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| Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:36am |
I'll try to make it as brief as possible. I have been married for a little over 2 year. Right now I am not happy in my marraige at all, and have gotten to the point where I can't even convince myself to try and make it better. My husband has never been able to admit that we have problems, he just makes everything seem like its no big deal. But basically, it has gotten to the point that I can't even stand being around him most of the time, but I am very scared to leave him. I have left before, but he always got me to come back.
Anyway, I just wanted to give that as background info, the problem I am really trying to figure out is what to do with the thoughts and feeling I am having for another man. The man in question is a friend of both mine and my husband's and he is married, I don't think he is very happy with his wife and i think that he cheats on her. But, I can not stop thinking about him. It has gotten to the point where I find myself thinking and fantasizing about him constantly, even at home when I am trying to hang out with my husband. I am not even completely sure why I am attracted to him so much. He is not the kind of man I am normally attracted to. But, now I am at a point where I can't make these thoughts go away.
I don't know if I want to get involved with him or not, so far we are just friends and he has no idea of my feelings. But I really think that at the very least he is very physically attracted to me. There are definately a lot of signs. So much that even my husband told me a few weeks ago that he thinks this friend "has a thing for me"
I really want to be able to spend some time alone with him to at least sort things out and decide what I really what, but I don't know how to do this without my husband finding out, I really don't want to just bring it up because I am scared he would feel guilty and tell my husband. How do I figure out if he would be interested in getting involved without taking too much of a risk. I really think he would, and I feel like I need to do something just because I can't stop thinking about it and the desire is killing me.
Anyway, I'll cut it off now. Sorry it's so long, but please take the time to help me in any way possible, with any part of this possible

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i think you have two seperate issues here though. For those women whose A's are already gonig on, it's hard sometimes i think for them to sort out the feelings they have for OM/MM and the problems w/ thier husband.
So in a way you are lucky, you seem pretty sure your marriage is over, or at least in trouble, and nothing is even going with the other guy.
My advice is, first try and figure out what's going on in your marriage. Are you going to stay for now but assume it's over, are you going to "try", are you going to leave.
And then think about the OM. i guess you kind of approach it as any other guy you are "interested" in unless you want to be very blunt about it (like hey want to have sex i know you are married, but it does happen, and i'm very good LOLOL). Anyway........
you need to try and sort things out!
good luck!
jenny
flirt cautiously and lead your conversations with him to find out where his thoughts are in relation to you. it does take some time to scope out his interest so you have to be a little patient if you really want this to happen.
i'm a little concerned that you've built him up in your head so much, so fast. if you've only been married two years and are already bored and searching for excitement with someone who you think could already be sleeping around, maybe you need to spend a little time thinking about your future and what direction you're going in, instead of distracting yourself with this man.
but if you must be with him, again, go slowly and be careful, please.
take care,
gurl
Regarding this friend you are interested in. I think it's easy for all of us to see men in a better light, after all, we usually see them when they are at their best....not first thing in the morning or in the middle of paying bills and grouchy. I would take things slow with him. Watch for signals. You know the type; leaning in when you speak to him, catching him looking at you from across the room. Perhaps the next time you see him and talk for a while, just before you leave say, "Give me a call sometime and we can meet for coffee/a drink." If he calls within the week, he is probably very interested first.
Just remember an A isn't a clue for a bad marriage, it might make things worse.
Good luck!
1st of all I want to thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it. Also I just wanted to add a couple of things and answer a couple of questions. 1st of all, my husband and I do not have any kids, so that is not an issue. I really do want to leave him, but its not easy, especially since we are having a lot of problems right now, problems other than our relationship. I have to say that I definately blame all of our marraige problems on him. If I had known what he was really like in the beginning I never would have married him. He can be really crazy sometimes, that's why I am so worried about him finding anything out, if there were something to find out. He is very overprotective of me, he has tried to stop me from doing anything, working, going back to school, having friends. He is insecure to that extent, and has always been, so there is no way my recent feelings could have caused it. Also, as part of his insecurity, he has managed to make it nearly impossible for me to leave him, I don't even have anywhere to live.
Anyway, to get back on the real subject, about this friend...I didn't mean to imply that he is sleeping around. As far as I know he isn't, I think it is more of a talking to women kind of thing. Having dinner or a drink with a woman. I guess what I meant was that I don't think that he is so deeply in love with his wife that he would never think of having an affair. I know that he and his wife never spend any time together, and he never really talks about her. She's his 2nd wife, and they haven't been married long either. I'm sure that all of this is probably sound worse rather than better, which I guess is part of the problem. I know that he is not the kind of man that a woman should get involved with. Every red flag imaginable is hanging over his head. But I still can't control my feelings. It's not even so much an emotional thing. I definately do not want some kind of relationship with him. I really enjoy being friends, and just want more of that and to add to it.
But, just to get it out there, as I mentioned in the previous post, he is definately not the kind of man I would think of getting involved with, as far as looks go I guess he's just kind of average, he has a nice face, but not the type of looks I have ever been attracted to before, He is a slightly overweight, I guess just the average kind of guy you would expect to see in a sports bar watching whatever big game is on. He's very akward sometimes, when he talks to me, he seems a little nervous, like he just doesn't know what to say, he's rude, he is always out with the guys, he drinks a lot when he is out with the guys, I'm sure that any marraige problems he has are 100% his fault, he probably is the kind of guy that would stop calling if he wasn't getting good sex, and he's 20 years older than me. This is what I am struggling with. There is no way that this man could be more wrong for me. But...
From the day I met him I have been drawn to him. I will use any excuse just to be near him to get a chance to talk to him. I run errands in places I think he might be, I bitch at my husband for not inviting me out with him and the guys, I am always hoping to see him and trying to think of ways to see him without anything looking suspicious. And I know that he has a lot of bad qualities, but when I talk to him it all seems so insignificant. It seems like for some reasons he and I want the same thing. And, no one is perfect, obviously my life is not some perfect fairy tale, and I'm not the committment type either. And, for all his bad qualities there are twice as many good ones. Yes he's rude, but sometimes out of nowhere he will do something very polite. And although his manners are a little rude, his actions are not, he would definately be the type to help anyone in need, he knows everyone and gets along with everyone in our small community. He has really helped me out with a problem before, and he is the type to do favor after favor for people expecting nothing in return. He has a good heart, and that is most likely what has caused him the stress that brought him to what he is now. He is an incredible person, and, I never lose sight of his bad qualities, and that is why I wouldn't want a relationship with him. We are both already married, and not happily, neither of us need a serious emotional relationship, I need something else, not just sex, but not just friendship either, and as dumb as it sounds I really feel like I am drawn to him because he would be able to give me what I want without getting too caught up in it.
Also, He definately looks at me like he means something, he always looks at me with this intense expression in his eyes, that I don't see when he looks at anyone else. He has made comments that kind of hinted that he likes the way I look and is attracted to me, but I don't really know how to start flirting with him, or how to talk to him in the right way, which I am sure he does.
I guess I should say this, just to make the situation as clear as possible, but please please please do not take this as some kind of attitude or being conceited, it truly is not, i just want to explain. With that out of the way, the other thing is that as I said above I am younger than him, I am in my mid 20s, and also very good looking, I have a near perfect body, can carry on a great conversation, and in a way this is a problem because I know that he is physically attracted to me, but this isnt really a solution because most of the men I know are, that doesn't mean they are seriously going to try anything.
One last thing, I really want to be able to just spend some time alone with him, even just to talk and be sure of what I want and get a better idea of how he may feel. But, we are not in a situation where the 2 of us getting together would be accepted. My husband would definately never let that happen, and if I ever called him, I'm sure my husband would get very mad. So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to get this man alone and away from my husband and anyone that we know, please let me know because at this point I think that is very important.
you are in a emotionally, if not physically, abusive marriage with a controlling, jealous, angry man that you are afraid of. YOU MUST GET AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND!! NOW!! if you truly do not have anywhere else to go, go to a battered women's shelter and they will help you get started and they will protect you if your H comes looking for you. you need counselling to help you figure out your future, on your own.
you are young and have your whole life before you to limit yourself to wanting a man who can offer you NOTHING! he's already on his 2d M, he's 20 years older than you and i'm quite sure he is attracted to your "near perfect" body, not your mind! what do you hope to gain from spending any alone time with this man? your H's rage, the OM's undying love, what??
you MUST think about what you need to do for yourself to get out of the abusive situation you are in and not run blindly into another loser R with a MM.
please, please, please think about yourself and get help to get out!
and be careful on the computer. if your H is that overprotective and controlling, he's probably checking up on your posts.
just my opinion here, but it's also from past experience too!
gurl
if you are unhappy in your marriage, the solution is NOT to go spend time with another person. The only purpose this other person is serving is to give you the strength to leave and say "goodbye" to your marriage b/c you feel that there is someone out there that is interested in you--and what if he's not....you are distracted by this fantasy of a man and relationship that you have created and are not focusing on your relationship with your husband. If the marriage is over, then end it, but end it the right way..Spending time with this other person won't help...what you need is to spend time alone and think about everything, your marriage, and what you want to do about it...then once that is taken care of then you can think about whether or not some other relationship will work..and honestly, he's married too, so you have way to much baggage going into this already--it will never work!
another thing is that you mentioned feeling that your H is to blame for all the marriage problems, and yet you are the one posting on here about getting together with another man. How are you helping the problems?
Now this other guy, from what you have described sounds nothing like a winner..all the contrary. It seems to me that maybe the fact that you know he is so rude and untameable makes you attracted to him. maybe the challenge of having this guy that is rude and that no woman can keep happy appeals to you because you consider yourself attractive and think that you can tame this beast of a man. SO, it's the challenge that draws you to him, not necessarily the man himself. So, leave your husband and find yourself another challenge.
I am also in my mid 20's (25) and like you I consider myself attractive, and it is further reinforced by others reactions to me. I have a master's education, so I too can carry on a good conversation on various topics. So, I have understand the urge for the chase and that in a marriage that simply isn't there.
He has nothing to lose and everything to gain--the attention of a beautiful woman is flattering to any man, especially the ugly man you described for us.
Good luck!
Cheating is a sign of unhappiness, but it isn't right. It's hurtful, dishonest, and causes many more difficult problems than I suspect you are dealing with in your marriage right now. Even if no one ever found out, would you be able to live with the secrets, lies, deception, and possible guilt?
Are you really willing to risk your marriage for something you are not sure about? You stated you don't know what this other man would want from you. What if you are just the next woman he cheats on his wife with, and that's it? What if he only cheats with you once? Could you live with those feelings? How would you feel if YOUR husband was the man you are thinking of cheating with, and YOU are the unsuspecting wife who gets cheated on? You know it's a "risk" to take to meet with this other man, so I suspect you don't want to lose your husband for some reason. What is that reason? Fear of losing something material (like your house) or your husband? If you are having any doubts at all about this other man, then DO NOT ACT ON YOUR ATTRACTION! Those doubts is the "little voice inside" telling you it's not the right choice. DO NOT IGNORE THAT VOICE! You will almost always be sorry.
Even if you decide divorce is the answer, you must also wait for this other man to leave his wife before you begin a relationship with him. Are you sure he'd be willing to do that? Would you be able to trust him knowing he has possibly cheated on his current wife? Even if it all worked out, and he left his wife, there'd still be problems since you are now dating your ex-husband's friend which is still pretty taboo with some people, but that's another discussion.
I would suggest you answer the above questions honestly before you do anything. You should try and find the desire you feel for this man for your husband. You even stated this other man is not your type, so maybe it's the mystery and the unknown that you desire. It's common for couples that have been together awhile to desire the feelings they felt in the beginning of the relationship. You can recreate these feelings - go on "dates", enhance your sex life, etc... Be imaginative!
I hope this helps. Whatever road you choose, I wish you the most happiness. Good luck!
Kim
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