Desperate for Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Desperate for Help
13
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 9:36am
I really need help, and I don't know what to do. There is no one that I can actually talk to about this, so any advice at all is greatly appreciated.

I'll try to make it as brief as possible. I have been married for a little over 2 year. Right now I am not happy in my marraige at all, and have gotten to the point where I can't even convince myself to try and make it better. My husband has never been able to admit that we have problems, he just makes everything seem like its no big deal. But basically, it has gotten to the point that I can't even stand being around him most of the time, but I am very scared to leave him. I have left before, but he always got me to come back.

Anyway, I just wanted to give that as background info, the problem I am really trying to figure out is what to do with the thoughts and feeling I am having for another man. The man in question is a friend of both mine and my husband's and he is married, I don't think he is very happy with his wife and i think that he cheats on her. But, I can not stop thinking about him. It has gotten to the point where I find myself thinking and fantasizing about him constantly, even at home when I am trying to hang out with my husband. I am not even completely sure why I am attracted to him so much. He is not the kind of man I am normally attracted to. But, now I am at a point where I can't make these thoughts go away.

I don't know if I want to get involved with him or not, so far we are just friends and he has no idea of my feelings. But I really think that at the very least he is very physically attracted to me. There are definately a lot of signs. So much that even my husband told me a few weeks ago that he thinks this friend "has a thing for me"

I really want to be able to spend some time alone with him to at least sort things out and decide what I really what, but I don't know how to do this without my husband finding out, I really don't want to just bring it up because I am scared he would feel guilty and tell my husband. How do I figure out if he would be interested in getting involved without taking too much of a risk. I really think he would, and I feel like I need to do something just because I can't stop thinking about it and the desire is killing me.

Anyway, I'll cut it off now. Sorry it's so long, but please take the time to help me in any way possible, with any part of this possible

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 1:43pm
Dear charlott3210, I want to remind you that you married your husband for a reason, you love him. If that is not true than I think you should occupy your mind with thoughts of why you are married to him in the first place if you don't love him, b/c you don't fall out of love in two years. If you do love him, then you need to start finding the reasons why you love him and use those reasons to rebuild whatever you feel you have lost. The last thing you need to do is run into another man's arms, especially one who is married, that is a heartbreak waiting to happen. You have to think that if the man you are going to get involved with is married and cheating on his wife, do you want to end up being the next wife who then gets cheated on.

I really think you need to talk to your husband and decide if you want to continue to be with him before you bring another person into the equation.

Meshell

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 6:36pm
I've been there too. I freaked out just like you. I brought my unhappiness to the attention of my husband and he said your right and he filed for divorce. He really didn't try to work things out at all. So I had the affair after my marriage was over. If you want to stay married to your husband and try to work it out before you do anything with this guy. You'll appreciate yourself in the long run. Then if things don't work out you could mess around. Now, if this guy is married I'd stay away from him, unless you don't mind being the other women.

Just my 2 cents.

Take care,

kt

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 11-18-2003 - 9:44pm
may be you should think of setting a time aside for you and your husband to talk thins over....better yet, clear things over before you try to figure out a time wherein you could get to sit and talk serious with this guy friend you have... after all, he is your husband so whatever reason there may be, he still has to be the first one you deal with. and then after clearing thngs up with your husband, you could take it from there with what you have or want to do with your crushin guy friend....ciao!!! =)

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