Devastated

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Devastated
19
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 5:52am

I don't post much here any more. Things were going wonderfully with AP. I am separated, he moved out (not willingly, but he had a place we could meet). We were seeing each other a lot and were very close and intimate. We both said we had an amazing connection. I fell in love and told him. He got over whatever issue he had and we started having IC. He asked me more than once to move in with him. I refused, because I thought he was too soon out of his house and my life is still complicated. Then the holidays hit and his kids were needing care and he temporarily moved back to the house (the house he was staying in was unavailable) and told me things were great there (it felt like a twisting knife). But after New Year, it wasn't great and he was out again - this time his choice and he's been staying with family and the contact resumed with me.

The week before last he sent me a text early in the morning, he skipped work and we had a wonderful day together. We had a discussion he initiated because he wanted to remain "1000% honest" with me and not lead me on as his brother had suggested he was doing. He wanted to know that we were still casual? Which I made him define and that was OK for now. We talked about going away overnight next weekend as it will be our one year anniversary.

Something happened. He talked to his brother about me for one thing. He's been less available on IM and we've had trouble scheduling time. We planned to meet the next day and maybe the day after if he didn't have the kids. He sent me a text the next day saying he can't make it, and he has the kids so the day after was out too. We rescheduled an evening last week and he cancelled that at the last minute too.

Then he's MIA for 4 days. We had an agreement he'd not go over 3 without telling me first or I could safely assume he'd been abducted by aliens or some other disaster. I half expected some of it, he's been with his kids. Today he gets online with me, tells me how much he's missing me, how much he wants to see me, then says "but not this week!". I asked if there was something specific keeping him away. He says no, then he tells me he probably can't go back to the other house and he's looking to buy one and in the very next line he tells me he's working on moving back in with his W and fixing his M because he misses his kids.

And I asked him what he thought I would be doing while he did that - his response - he hadn't thought of that. Great. He didn't think of me at all. Then he says if he goes back he won't be able to see me any more, that he has to focus on his M. The M that was so bad he found me online almost exactly a year ago. The M that he claims he hasn't had sex in for a decade. Back to the W that threw him out IF SHE WILL LET HIM. I tell him how much that hurts and he doesn't understand why I'm upset and angry. He said I didn't need to feel angry cos he'd always been honest. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back, or the stomach, or the chest or maybe all three. I asked him how likely it was that he would go back and he said very probable. He then said if he can't go back and make it work, he won't see his kids again. We have a 50/50 joint custody law in this country, so that isn't going to happen and I told him so.

I can't say I fully expected we would end up together, but I really was starting to hope for more. He was talking about coming out in the open and dating and doing things as a real couple - why should I doubt that? Why wouldn't I expect more based on him saying so? I don't understand how he can go from asking me to live with him and saying we are perfect together and how we could start doing things as a couple, to saying he wants to fix his M and so can't see me again in the space of a month? And that his own happiness doesn't count because his children come first (to which I called BS, about his happiness, not the kids coming first, because I agree with that). I'm so upset and so hurt. I don't know how to deal with this.

Edited to make more sense (maybe)..

Pisces

Edited 1/26/2009 6:08 am ET by pisces2008




Edited 1/26/2009 6:13 am ET by pisces2008
pisces

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 6:10am

Wow Pisces I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds like your heart and your head have been played w/, and it sounds like your AP is very selfish, and one sided. I don't really have any advice to offer, because when I was separated from my AP, I was a hot mess. I wish that there was something that I can say that would help take away the extraordinary pain that you must be feeling. Just know that we are all here if you need us, and together we can get through this.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 6:18am

Thanks for your response. He doesn't see himself as selfish, he sees just the opposite. His obsession to be a 'whole family' stops him seeing anything clearly IMO.

But none of that makes any difference to the fact that he will throw me, my love for him and the most incredible connection (his words) aside in his hunt for his ideal of the perfect family, in what is in truth, a very dysfunctional family.

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 8:06am
Sorry to hear about that but you cant be overly surprised. He told you enough to keep you in the back burner in case he needed you.....you helped him do that....I do not remember if you are single but if you are its time to get yourself out there as start dating available men and move on from this guy. He will NEVER leave his wife for good. He just proved to you that you are SECOND choice to him and will ALWAYS be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:09am

Gee I'm hurting and this is your idea of support. Thanks. Somehow in my distress I forgot to mention I might want SUPPORT and hardly need the I told you so's just now. I failed to mention in my post that I'm already suffering depression and am only borderline coping.

I am separated and living in the same house as H because I have no money to move. And it's my house too, anyway. Dating isn't an option. I don't really see how AP asking me to move in and asking me to start dating with him is keeping me on the back burner, but you are entitled to your opinion. I am always going to be second to his kids should we have got together IRL or not.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:33am

Darling Pisces !


I already "talked" to you so I will not write more here, (((hugs))) to you honey.

Edwina
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 9:43am

Gee I'm hurting and this is your idea of support. Thanks. Somehow in my distress I forgot to mention I might want SUPPORT and hardly need the I told you so's just now. I failed to mention in my post that I'm already suffering depression and am only borderline coping.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:14am

NY's words might have been a little harsh, but I disagree that support means agreeing with everything a poster says.


If we can't talk with people in our everyday world about our love lives, and if we come to this board to do so, we need to hear the good with the bad.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 11:11am

Hi Pisces,


I'm sorry to hear about your present situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 2:08pm

Pisces, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am trying to put myself in your shoes and I do not want to go there. I can't think of why he is changing his thinking other than he is very confused and thinks this is what he needs to do. From the sounds of his history with his W, I don't think it will last.

It does bring to mind one thing that I told my AP about my marriage, I told him that I could not leave until I felt that I had tried everything. Maybe this is what he is thinking? Are his children young?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
In reply to: pisces2008
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 4:45pm

Thank you for your posts. I didn't need any 'tough love' straight up, I am too raw and hurt for that. Later, when I've had time to get my head around it, I would expect it.

Star - his kids are all teenagers, one is wanting to leave home soon.

My depression started over my separation, we were M a long time, and I've been in a fragile state (not one I am used to being in any more) for over six months. My health has suffered badly and I've lost several jobs because of it. Stuff is still happening with stbxH, just yesterday when he denied the problem he had (that ended the M) even existed. The reason I even talked to him about that is because I had accidentally stumbled upon more proof. Of course, this was not long before AP contacted me so I was already in a weakened state when he dropped this on me.

I couldn't sleep and apparently neither could AP because I found him online last night very late - he said he was willing me to come online even though I have never chatted to him that late. Again, that connection we've had is still very much in force. Some extra questioning from me revealed a little more. That his conversations with W were in fact a short conversation earlier in the day. He asked her to help him see his kids more and she agreed. And a previous conversation when he asked her how she was doing and she said she was hurting. He tells me he 'has to' make this work for the sake of his kids. I suggested that it is not only what he wants at stake here, that there are in fact four other family members who's wants and needs count as much as his own.

pisces
pisces

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