Devastated
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| Mon, 01-26-2009 - 5:52am |
I don't post much here any more. Things were going wonderfully with AP. I am separated, he moved out (not willingly, but he had a place we could meet). We were seeing each other a lot and were very close and intimate. We both said we had an amazing connection. I fell in love and told him. He got over whatever issue he had and we started having IC. He asked me more than once to move in with him. I refused, because I thought he was too soon out of his house and my life is still complicated. Then the holidays hit and his kids were needing care and he temporarily moved back to the house (the house he was staying in was unavailable) and told me things were great there (it felt like a twisting knife). But after New Year, it wasn't great and he was out again - this time his choice and he's been staying with family and the contact resumed with me.
The week before last he sent me a text early in the morning, he skipped work and we had a wonderful day together. We had a discussion he initiated because he wanted to remain "1000% honest" with me and not lead me on as his brother had suggested he was doing. He wanted to know that we were still casual? Which I made him define and that was OK for now. We talked about going away overnight next weekend as it will be our one year anniversary.
Something happened. He talked to his brother about me for one thing. He's been less available on IM and we've had trouble scheduling time. We planned to meet the next day and maybe the day after if he didn't have the kids. He sent me a text the next day saying he can't make it, and he has the kids so the day after was out too. We rescheduled an evening last week and he cancelled that at the last minute too.
Then he's MIA for 4 days. We had an agreement he'd not go over 3 without telling me first or I could safely assume he'd been abducted by aliens or some other disaster. I half expected some of it, he's been with his kids. Today he gets online with me, tells me how much he's missing me, how much he wants to see me, then says "but not this week!". I asked if there was something specific keeping him away. He says no, then he tells me he probably can't go back to the other house and he's looking to buy one and in the very next line he tells me he's working on moving back in with his W and fixing his M because he misses his kids.
And I asked him what he thought I would be doing while he did that - his response - he hadn't thought of that. Great. He didn't think of me at all. Then he says if he goes back he won't be able to see me any more, that he has to focus on his M. The M that was so bad he found me online almost exactly a year ago. The M that he claims he hasn't had sex in for a decade. Back to the W that threw him out IF SHE WILL LET HIM. I tell him how much that hurts and he doesn't understand why I'm upset and angry. He said I didn't need to feel angry cos he'd always been honest. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back, or the stomach, or the chest or maybe all three. I asked him how likely it was that he would go back and he said very probable. He then said if he can't go back and make it work, he won't see his kids again. We have a 50/50 joint custody law in this country, so that isn't going to happen and I told him so.
I can't say I fully expected we would end up together, but I really was starting to hope for more. He was talking about coming out in the open and dating and doing things as a real couple - why should I doubt that? Why wouldn't I expect more based on him saying so? I don't understand how he can go from asking me to live with him and saying we are perfect together and how we could start doing things as a couple, to saying he wants to fix his M and so can't see me again in the space of a month? And that his own happiness doesn't count because his children come first (to which I called BS, about his happiness, not the kids coming first, because I agree with that). I'm so upset and so hurt. I don't know how to deal with this.
Edited to make more sense (maybe)..
Pisces
Edited 1/26/2009 6:08 am ET by pisces2008
Edited 1/26/2009 6:13 am ET by pisces2008

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Pisces,
big hugs to you. I suspect that your AP will try to work on the M and quickly realize there isn't much to work with, if the situation is as bad as you describe. If it helps at all, I did this when I realized that being in my A was keeping me from focusing on dealing with the M one way or another. It did not take me long to figure out that the M was not worth saving. Perhaps your AP will lean in that direction as well.
The hard thing is, your hands are tied, you cannot make AP do or not do anything--it is his choice now. You could use this time to reflect what you would do when or if (I suspect when) AP comes back. I think you are figuring other things in your life out. As far as your living situation, not sure if you can get an hour free consultation with a D lawyer--you can here--who can advise you about the house.
Do you have any friends you could move in with temporarily? I know you don't want to move out but it seems like the situation with your H exacerbates everything. Can you set clear boundaries, like have locked doors between you?
Thank you Snow, you always impart wisdom.
I am not quite so distressed today. Yes I am incredibly sad but I don't feel so hopeless. I believe I know what I will do should AP go or not go back to W.
In regard to D I may be able to find a free community service, we get 5 minute free consultations with some law firms here, certainly not an hour. And no, I don't have any friends who have the ability to let me share with them unfortunately. Nor do I have a door I can lock between me and H. There is an open stair case between floors.
Pisces
Oh honey I am so sorry about this. It sounds to me that your AP is not sure what he wants. He wants his M one mint and you the next. I think you should back off from him. You are in a way providing him with a safety net. Not to be-little you in anyway, cause you know
I know you are hurting. Trust me, I know.
Please take this as your AP showing you his true colors. Please. I know it sucks and you want to believe differently of him. Remember actions speak much louder than words. Also remember that when he realizes that his M is still the same M that he was unhappy in before and he comes back to you, it will hurt ten times more than it does now when he leaves again.
Pisces, you and I haven't posted much to each other, and when we have, it is usually on different sides of the coin. Please try and put that aside and realize that what I am saying now comes with the best of intentions. Guard your heart and treat yourself as the most precious commodity right now. Build your strength and remember this pain when he comes calling again, because he will.
i don't know if i see being the OW
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Hi Pisces
Sorry to hear you're haviong a tough time. I can't offer any advice, only say that I know how you feel and if I could, I'd be hugging you tight now.
D x
Pisces,
i'm not around much and i have no experience like what you are going through. but your devastation is so apparent that i have to send support.
i only wonder if i could see myself in his shoes. that i thought i was ready to make a decision - and then the reality of the consequences to my children (even teens) and my extended family began to dawn on me. i thought they would accept my decision, see my unhappiness in my current M, see my happiness with AP and let us all move on - but they don't see it that way. realizing that my M was not just about BS. and wondering if my A is the fantasy that everyone everywhere is always telling me it is - something that can't stand up in the light of day.
i dunno your AP or even much about your A. i just know what it is to be indecisive.
unfortunately, now you have to make decisions for yourself alone. i'm so sorry for your disappointment.
Mrs.
Hi Pisces.
OK, here is the deal.....in my old age, it takes longer for the light bulbs to go off.
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