Devastated and stuck between a rock & a hard place
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|Mon, 08-13-2012 - 5:52am|
I am 30 yrs old, have been married ten years and have an 8 yr old daughter.
I have been having an affair with a married man I am absolutely head over heals in love with for a year. It is long distance though we see each other every other month and talk over phone, email, IM 100 times a day at least.
It has been getting harder and harder not to be together and to find time to sneak away to email or make phone calls. It's a very stressful life as I am sure you all are aware. I would have done it forever to keep him in my life though. I love him that much.
I could sense it was getting too hard for him though and tonight I just basically asked and asked him - basically pushed him for the truth until he finally surrendered.
He admitted he loves me with all his heart but that he has to get his life back in line, focus back on his kids, get his life back in order.
I have never felt SO hurt or wounded in all of my life. I haven't gone 30 min without sobbing in 24 hours which is alarming to my husband and child to say the least!! I feel like my life is over, as dumb as that sounds. Like I can't live without him.
I immediately begged him not to go where he replied that I just pushed and pushed until I'd basically convinced him and that we could talk about making it work tomorrow.
Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don't wanna lose him!! But I know if he stays it will only be to keep from hurting me and that eventually he will leave again. Him staying would be only avoiding the inevitable. But part of me doesn't care, as long as I get more time with him, I don't care why he stays or when he leaves me again.
I am beyond heartbroken, god - I am shattered.
We can't talk over the weekends much as we are with our respective families so all this basically went down over email.
Last night he told me he would call me in the morning so we could actually talk about this where we can hear each other voices and stuff..
My plan is to try let him go, but if I am being 100% honest in my heart that is NOT what I want so not giving into the urge to stay is going to be worse that difficult because I know he his half hearted about leaving to. He loves me, he WANTS to stay but it's all so hard and has become too much for him. I know convincing him to stay would not be impossibe but I don't want to be back here again in 3 months either.
I want to let him go, but I love him SO much and honestly I don't have much confidence in myself, I will keep ya'll posted.