dh found out...now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
dh found out...now what?
3
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 2:09pm
Hi,

I'm new to this board, although now that I've found it I probably should have joined a long time ago!! I've been lurking a bit and I'm hoping you could help me out please!

I'm 22, married at age 20 (young I know! But I was with dh since I was 15). We have always had a great relationship, up until spring of this year when I did something I swore I would never do, and I got caught up in an EMA. I didn't mean for it to happen and I resisted for quite awhile but it happened eventually. I even got to the point where I had considered leaving dh for om, maybe because I had never experienced anything other than dh, I was curious and I felt that dh and I were not on the same page on just about anything anymore.

Dh had been suspicious and he eventually confronted me last month. His friend had seen me kiss om one night (I guess we weren't as sly as we thought we were) and he had other proof as well, so there was no denying it. He was upset and it snapped me back to reality somewhat. I quit talking to om for awhile and dh and I agreed we wanted to work things out.

A few weeks passed and I found out some interesting information myself...that since dh confronted me, he had been pursuing another woman. Nothing had happened between them yet but they had been speaking often and their intentions were much more than friendly. I realize this sounds hypocritical but I was so upset! I was under the impression we were working things out and it didn't seem to me that he cared to.

The first person I called was om...it was my first instinct, maybe because we had become such good friends over the past few months. Since then we have been talking but only as friends, although dh doesn't know this...he says he has stopped talking to this woman as well.

I honestly can't imagine my life without dh, I love him very much and I know we've been through a lot but I think we have what it takes to work it out and make it. I am so confused though, because even though I feel this way towards dh, I still have feelings for om, even though I know I could never love him the way I do dh. I've contemplated leaving for awhile to sort through things and give dh and myself both time to come to terms with everything that's happened, but I can't bring myself to do it. Dh doesn't want me to leave either but he agrees things aren't getting better with us together as often as we are. Right now things between us are either really great or really bad. We both realize that the other person made their mistakes and we're able to put that aside sometimes and focus on us now, but we still have these things in the back of our minds.

Now I'm just debating whether I should stay here and work it out, or give us each our space for awhile so we can think this through. I don't know if I'm posting this on the right board, but not many boards are very sympathetic to EMAs and although my EMA is technically over, it isn't completely over and done with and I think it still has potential to heat up if things with dh and I keep going downhill.

Please let me know what you think! Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 10:15pm

Hi trixie and welcome aboard,


With a bit of luck... you will find a few with some experience that maybe able to help you along with all this.


The first thing I'm going to suggest... is if both you and your DH want to make this work... then go for counselling... you can do couples and also singles.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:10pm
Hi Trixie,

I have alot in common with u. So maybe I can help. If u got upset at dh's intentions then maybe u still do care. I, like you was married to my one and only, very young. Also like you I strayed. I hope u can work things out and regardless of the road u choose I hope u find happiness because u deserve it.

Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 7:48am
Hi Trixie and welcome to the board...you are definately in the right place to receive support in a non-judgemental atmosphere.

You are in a very tough place right now and I have been exactly where you are at. I married my HS sweetheart at 21 and 4 months into my marriage I met a guy online and in no time I was contemplating leaving the only man I had ever known for someone else. Distance was my safety net in that situation but I quickly found myself involved with another man where distance was no longer an excuse. To make a long story short I divorced my HS sweetheart 13 months into our marriage and a year later I was married to my OM...I have now been married just over 2 years and have spent about 18 months of that time involved in another EMA. Fortunately, my marriage is one that I would never contemplate leaving so my questions this time around have nothing to do with staying or leaving.

Like Sweet suggested, I couldnt agree more than couples counseling would definately be the answer for you here. Again, you must both be willing to participate and you must both have the desire to make this work. From personal experience I would suggest that you go together AND separately but do it IMMEDIATELY. My counselor chose to see me individually before sending H#1 and I to couples counseling and that was a HUGE mistake...although we all need to work through our own baggage we also can't deny our fragile relationship the attention it so desparately needs. I wont tell you that you should stop seeing your OM because I didn't nor did my counselor suggest that I did. Go with your gut on that matter and do what you need to do to be able to focus on your task at hand, whatever that may be...

Please keep in touch with us and feel free to email me anytime.

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com