Did anyone end up with their MM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Did anyone end up with their MM?
22
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 11:08am
I met first my MM at a bar almost 2 years ago. We messed around that night, he got my number through a mutual friend, and contacted me within 2 days. We hung out here and there, and eventually fell for each other. He says his M was done before we even met, because had he been happy and committed, he wouldn't have been out that late and wouldn't have pursued me as he did.

Well, here it is almost 2 years later, and we are moving in together at the end of the month. His final divorce papers are in the mail as I type, and things couldn't be better (other than his constant child custody battles).

My question is, has anyone been in this type of situation where you "get" the MM in the end? Good outcomes? Bad? Please advise!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 1:39pm
Hi there,

Things seem to be working out with me and my MM. We were involved for less than 6 months when he separated and got his own place. Like your MM, his M was dead before I can along. A little while after him, I left my H and got my own place. The day I moved in, he came to visit and never left. So we are unofficially living together although for appearances sake he has to keep his own place. I have just signed the paperwork for divorce but a giant battle for me with my H (who opposed D) and between MM and his W lies ahead. It is stressful and there is a lot of anxiety...but we are together and if we can make it thru the next year I believe we can have a happy life together. You are lucky your MM is almost divorced. It is a long process. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 2:43pm
Ladies I need your guidance. How did you do it? I mean was it solely your men's decision or did you somehow "help it to happen" so to speak? The reason I am asking is that my lady is married (I am not) and she says that although she doesn't love her husband and loves me which I don't doubt (it's a long story but she and I loved each other long before she got married but there was a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication between us - totally my fault. That made us split up and she ended up marrying a friend of hers and we just recently got back together) she is not ready to leave her marriage and doesn't know if she is ever going to be ready. I want more than anything for us to get married, but I don't dare to even raise this issue firstly because I promised her not to force her and secondly because I am afraid of pushing her away.

I don't know what I am asking for here - some magic, perhaps, that will make her want to be mine more than his. I'd do anything for it and I mean - anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 5:15pm
Hey Boston:

I couldn't help but reply to you! My OM and I are now an exclusive couple. I was married, he was not. We also had been friends for a number of years. Throughout our affair, I maintained that I was not, I repeat, NOT going to leave my H. I had been with H for about 11 years, there was too much history between us. OM was VERY understanding of this. He NEVER tried to push me into anything. Even though I knew he ached for me to leave H and be only with him, he never pushed me. He never even hinted that I should do so. Speaking for myself, I really appreciated that. I didn't feel pressured at all. We were just having a good time for as long as we could, and when it was over, we'd just say it was fun while it lasted. I thought that was a good attitude to have about it all, since EMA's are so unpredictable anyway.

BUT....having said all that, after a few months of being with OM on the sly, and then going home to H, it all began to change. I started to imagine coming home to OM instead. I still couldn't fathom leaving H, or hurting him in that way. But, my heart was with OM more than it was with H. Then, my OM went away for 2-1/2 months. The only contact I had with him was a few letters. I missed him so bad, I couldn't see straight. I was literally sick about it. That's when the shift in my feelings happened.

I realized I wanted to be with OM more than I wanted to be with H. When I thought about hurting one of them, which I knew I would have to do eventually, OM won my heart. It made me physically sick to my stomach to think about living the rest of my life without him. I didn't feel that way toward H anymore.

So, what am I getting at here? I guess it's this: Just keep doing what you're doing. Don't push her, don't nag her. Just let her come to her own conclusions. Maybe a little time away from each other would help her realize what she has with you. I didn't think I'd ever be ready to leave H either, even after I had decided to do just that. Turns out, I didn't have to make that decision. A couple weeks before OM returned from his trip, my H found out about us. I admitted everything, and left the same day. It's been about 3 months now, and OM and I (guess I should call him BF now!) are doing great. My divorce will be final in another 3 months, and we can live happily ever after! I just wanted to let you know that, fairy tales CAN come true!

Hang in there!

Love,

Pheebs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:33am
I can't believe I finally found a message board where people can post successful conclusions to affairs. I knew there are many "out there", who's relationships have materialized into permanent ones. Thank you, for sharing your successes. It gives me much hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 8:51am
I don't want to post too many details but MM and I have known each other for 12+ years and hooked up 5 months ago. Both of us said that we wouldn't leave our spouses for each other and were fine with that. One and a half months ago his wife announced that she was leaving, she hasn't yet, but will be soon. Weird I know. Anyways once she leaves I will leave H and will move in with him. Fairy tales can come true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 10:17am
Thanks for giving me hope. What you are saying makes a lot of sense and in my mind I know that you are right but my heart and my mind haven't been in agreement lately. I am not pushing her and will give her as much time as she needs to make a decision but it is eating me alive especially when we have our time together and she is so loving and then she goes home to her husband and I am dying of jealousy. When our relationship just started many of you on this board warned me that I would never be content with just being the "other man" and eventually I would want more but I thought that I had enough strength to handle it and I can now see that I over-estimated myself. I don't tell her any of this - her peace of mind is much more important to me than my own but thank God for this board where I can come to and share. We men can be really weak creatures sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 10:21am
Just a question Boston, have you told her how you feel? Did you already have that discussion with her or do you just act normal and are waiting for her to say anything?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 11:18am
We had this discussion once. At that time she told me that she loved me but she didn't know when or even if she was going to be ready to leave her husband who's nothing but good to her - that would hurt him deeply and she simply couldn't do it to him. See she and I knew and had very intense feelings for each other long before she got married but because of a whole chain of miscommunication and misunderstandings for the majority of which I blame myself we ended up not being together. I thought she was lost for me, she thought I was lost for her - and she got married. We just recently reconnected, both finally realizing that we couldn't be without each other. She says that her husband is not responsible and shouldn't pay for the mistakes that she and I made. She knows that I want to marry her and she asked me not to push her, and I gave her my word. Since then I've been keeping my promise expecially because I can see that our relationship is taking its toll on her too. She feels bad for cheating on her husband and at the same time she feels bad for "stringing me along." I don't want to cause her any additional stress and I'm telling her that I am happy and content, and I am when she is with me but when she leaves I can think about nothing but her being with her husband - fixing him dinner, watching TV on the sofa and possibly cuddling, and then going to bed with him and making love to him like she does to me and then falling asleep resting her head on his shoulder. Why him and not me? Sorry guys, she's had guests in her house and I haven't seen her for this whole long week - just a few phone calls and emails, and I am losing it and probably ranting more than I should. Hopefully Thursday she will have some time for us and then the world will become bright and sunny again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 11:31am
boston

It's not easy is it? But listen to your own instincts and the women's advice here and don't push. Enjoy her when you can have her, and be happy she is in your life again (I remember your other posts). Who knows, maybe someday...and if not, you at least have a part of her now (a part that I'm sure she cherishes just as much as you do).

Keep posting -- it's great to hear a man's perspective.

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 11:43am
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Edited 10/1/2004 6:47 pm ET ET by sally289

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