Did anyone end up with their MM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2003
Did anyone end up with their MM?
22
Mon, 11-10-2003 - 11:08am
I met first my MM at a bar almost 2 years ago. We messed around that night, he got my number through a mutual friend, and contacted me within 2 days. We hung out here and there, and eventually fell for each other. He says his M was done before we even met, because had he been happy and committed, he wouldn't have been out that late and wouldn't have pursued me as he did.

Well, here it is almost 2 years later, and we are moving in together at the end of the month. His final divorce papers are in the mail as I type, and things couldn't be better (other than his constant child custody battles).

My question is, has anyone been in this type of situation where you "get" the MM in the end? Good outcomes? Bad? Please advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 12:42pm
Boston, you sound just like my OM did before we hooked up for good. He has since told me that when I would leave him to go to H, it nearly drove him crazy thinking about me with him. Just think how he must have felt leaving for 2-1/2 months, knowing I was going to be with H the whole time!

I read the other posts here, and I agree with the person who said your lady probably isn't being as affectionate with her H as she is with you. Take it from me, I lived the same thing. Once I knew my heart belonged to OM, all or most of the affection I spent on H stopped. I still made love with him, but only because if I didn't, he would suspect something was up. But all other things - ruffling his hair, touching his arm, holding his hand, quick kisses just because - all that stopped. I didn't feel it for him anymore.

Even though he was a great guy and didn't deserve what I did, I couldn't help it. You can't help who you love, or who you don't. It's sad, but that's the way it is. Your lady will make her choice soon enough. But like someone else said, just enjoy her while you have her. Appreciate the time you have. If she loves you the way she says she does, she'll come around.

Hang in there - take it from me - happy endings are possible!

Pheebs:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 3:51pm
Thank you, ladies, for your input, you did make me feel much better. It may sound funny but being 53 years old I am not much of an expert in female nature. I've never had much success with women. While in college I dated some but not a lot concentrating on my studies and after graduation - on my career. I did have a few relationships but none of them was serious enough for me to want it to progress into marriage. I started to seriously doubt my capability of loving at all. When I was 32 my then girlfriend informed me that she was pregnant. I decided that it was time for me to settle down and besides I wanted my child to have a normal family - I married her. My marriage turned out to be a total disaster and pretty much ended 3 months after it started but I stayed in it for 10 more years for the sake of my son, and then to my relief my wife informed me that she met someone else and wanted a divorce. So that left me single at the age of 42. Again a few relationships with no emotions involved. And then at the age of 51 I met her and she just reached out and took my heart. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that she is my only love - first and last at the same time.

Sorry for rambling, I miss her terribly. Her in-laws are visiting from overseas and she took time off work and can't even call me - she was only able to do it once the other day for a quick "good morning" and we exchanged a few emails, and they are hopefully leaving Wednesday night although she is not 100% sure. Maybe I am being unfair to her husband since, as you explained to me, she gives her best to me not him but I feel like I almost hate him because he is there with her all the time and unlike me doesn't have to go through agony here with almost no contact and not knowing when I am going to see her again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 1:09pm
boston, honey, you've got to get out more!

i've kept up with your posts and i got to hand it to you, you've hung in there with your MW and i know, as a man, you are trying SOOOO HARD not to push her, aren't ya! you really want this to go the distance, but you have to let her steer now. originally, there was miscommunication at the start of your R, but it wasn't all your fault and she knows it. she's taking baby steps back to you, but you have to be patient and wait for her. i know it's hard, but you have to.

so are you retired or still working? find a hobby, or several. date other women, casually. one or two dates to be friendly. distract yourself and wait for her. that's all i can say.

good luck, sweetie. hang in there!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 4:02pm
You are so right. I know I am fixated on this relationship and I also know that I have to stop or at some point she might feel suffocated and it will push her away. I am doing my best not to show her how obsessed I am - I think that when she backed off the first time it was not the intensity of her own feelings that scared her but the intensity of mine that I wasn't even trying to conceal. Ever since we reconnected she's been telling me that she is not expecting me to have no life outside of our relationship. I guess I have to take it as a warning.

I do work full time and I have my obligations as a son - my mother is old and ill, and as a father. My son is 20 years old and has been a problem child, diagnosed with ADD and everything that goes with it. I do have friends but they are mostly couples so I feel somewhat out of place in their company. Dating other women, even casually, is not an option.

Thanks for your advice, I will certainly take it to heart and try to reevaluate my attitude for my own good. I have enough will power in all other aspects of my life it's just that when it comes to her I seem to have none.

Thanks again, Gurl, you are great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 4:16pm
hey boston, you're welcome and advice anytime. i'm putting myself in your OW's place and i just know how i would feel if the special man in my life tried to make me "the be all and end all", if you know what i mean. hemmed in, overwhelmed and smothered. obviously you can show your interest and love to her, but the intensity and obsessiveness needs to be toned down. "for your own good!"

as for outside interests, you can't be everything to everybody else and not take care of yourself. it's great that you are taking care of parents and adult children, but please do something wonderful for yourself. anything, a class in poetry, painting or auto mechanics, join a ski club, something to take you out of the everyday part of your life!

hang in there and relax a little please. it's not willpower, it's attitude!! be happy for what you have with your OW, even if it's not nearly enough.

gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 3:41:59 PM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 7:12pm
I'll try. My emotions were asleep for so long that now they are just gushing out and seem to control me instead of me controlling them. I did need a reality check and you gave it to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 8:41pm
I've been seeing my MM for over 10 yrs. As soon as his youngest turns 18 (3-1/2 more yrs to go), hopefully we will be together.

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I am sooo envious, I can't wait til my MM's divorce papers are in the mail! I hope we can hang in there til then, because I know I could never find a more perfect guy.

Wishing you the best,

your cyber pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-12-2003 - 9:30pm
Hi Boston,

It's always refreshing to hear the guy's point of view, thanks for sharing!

I find it interesting that you say you are fixated - the women on the board usually call it obsessing - but I think we are referring to the same thing. I obsessed about MM for some months, and I think for some it could be a stage or phase. I don't obsess very often now, perhaps I've gotten used to always having thoughts of him at the back of my mind.

Sometimes I find it difficult to conceal my feelings for MM, and find I withdraw...at times I wonder if I am too distant. At least I'm conscious of it, so it can't spill into other areas of my life and become a habit. Have you seen the movie About a Boy (with Hugh Grant) or Till Human Voices Wake Us (Australian flick)? They both deal with guys and their emotions and I enjoyed them for the fact they supported men showing and dealing with their emotions.

I'm sorry for your mother, hope she's "comfortable" - and for your having the added stress of your son's ADD.

This is just a thought I'm throwing out there - I don't intend to demean your love, or situation...but do you feel you are more in love with the relationship/situation, or the woman? Is it "easier" to love OW because dating others is not an option? If you had the time to date other women, would you? I realised that although at the time when I met and married my (soon-to-be)xH I thought I loved him, it was more the situation ("first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage") than the man I was in love with.

Hang in there, Boston - and again, thanks for sharing.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 7:50am
Hi Meow,

I understand what you are saying. To answer your question - no, I am not in love with a situation, or a fantasy, or the idea of love. I am in love with this particular woman. I am not idealizing her, I know her strengths and weaknesses, I see her good and bad sides. I know that if we ever get married our marriage is not going to be a constant paradise. She is impatient, she can be harsh, she has a temper, and her opinions about events and people are sometimes too quick and not justified. But it doesn't matter. She, the way she is, is a woman I need. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Dating other women is not an option because I don't see it as an option, because I don't want it as an option. Two years ago when she and I split up I tried to date. It didn't work. One, two dates at the most and I would end it. Not because I compared those women to her but simply because they weren't her. She lights my fire. There is a spot in my heart somewhere that, the moment we met, she touched once and for all. I am what they call a "one woman man" and she is that woman. I know that in every relationship one person loves more than the other, one kisses and the other just turns a cheek to be kissed. I accept that. I am saying that I am fixated on her for lack of a better word - it's more than just obsessing. If, God forbid, she leaves me tomorrow I will not die but I would not consider myself alive either. A zombie. I know, I went through this during two years that we were apart. When she is not with me I can compare myself with an abandoned, dark, cold house. And then she comes in - and the lights are on, there is fire in the fireplace, the house warms up and the soft music is playing.

I am not sure all this makes much sense and I wish I could express it better. It's somewhat frustrating that when we try to put in writing all those wonderful feelings that overwhelm us they immediately start to sound corny and soap opera-like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 9:23am
I think I may have posted on this thread already but incase I didnt, I ended up with my OM#1 and married him...things are great and we've been married 2 years now...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com