Did he really SAY that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Did he really SAY that?
3
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 5:37am

I had to share with someone ... AP and I have recently been talking about working together on a volunteer basis with a local nonprofit group. This would be the first time he and I have had any "official" ties to each other. It's a deal where he has worked with this group of people for a while and he is wanting to bring me in as well.

I had already told him that I couldn't pretend to be just friends forever and that the only way I was willing to do this volunteer work was if there was a light at the end of the tunnel for all of this secrecy. Fast forward a couple of days and we were talking again and I said it really boils down to recognition of my role in his life. That is a huge reason why I am feeling odd about this whole thing. It's not that we would be holding hands or being demonstrative. It is a professional setting. It's just that, like another couple in our committee, I would like to be seen as partners. I deserve to stand beside him in the open.

He said, "when the time comes for us to be known as a couple, then that is how we will introduce ourselves. If people start to ask questions before then, I will deal with that and explain things. I understand that things are not happening on the exact timeline or as fast as you might like them to be."

This man has NEVER, not once, come out and said that we would get there eventually. He has NEVER use the word "when" in any context when our future is involved. He's not so much the planning sort. I am afraid to draw conclusions, and I will ask him to clarify, but I was pretty damn happy to hear that one little word.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 9:37am
I truly hope thing will eventually work out for you...please don't be offended by what I am going to say because obviously I am in the same situation, but we are really being fed crumbs from the table, if such little remark makes us so happy. My AP never talks about our future together...the biggest thing he ever told me was he is not seeing himself staying in his marriage forever, and for now he is staying for kids (which are teens already). I don't know how long you guys are together, my A is pretty new and only very recently became PA, so I don't expect a commitment at this point (I would not expect it that shortly from a single person, why expect more from MM), but eventually, yes, I will feel the same way you do. If I would've known there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that would be a different story...
(((hugs))) and best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 2:53pm
Not offended at all, and as has been repeated many times here, actions, in the end, are the proof, not words. In my case, he and I have been together for about a year and a half. Since about six or eight months into the relationship, he has often spoken of our future, the things we would do together, the places we would live, etc. About six months ago, we started talking about divorce and whether he wanted to stay married. I told him that he needed to understand that the future he talks about with me and staying married to his W are mutually exclusive things. We have done a lot of talking since then and have gone through a lot of very tense and stressful times because of the turmoil he is in over having to eventually make a choice. So, yes, this statement is a crumb, but in the context of our discussions, it's a big step for him to acknowledge that it's not "if" we are public with our relationship but "when."
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 10-05-2008 - 3:23pm




Congratulations....Don't over analyze this, he clearly wants you to be more involved


in his life and what he does and wants to spend his volunteer time with someone he


clearly cares about. That is the message I believe he is sending so this is a big step


for both of you and I think you should accept it as taking your R to the next level.