Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Did I do the right thing?
4
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:23am
Hi all,

On New Year's Eve, I made a phone call to my MM on the cell phone we purchased together so no one would find out about our A. I just wanted to leave him a message to say Happy New Year and all. Usually if it's turned off, just the message will come on. This time, it rang and rang and then knocked me off. I did not hear anyone pick up, it just knocked me off. This happened a few times before I decided to call his office and leave a message on his office phone voice mail. After that, I decided to try his cell phone again and this time it rang about 4 times before the message picked up and I left him a message. But now I am worried. He keeps this cell phone in his car. What if he forgot to turn it off and his W heard it? I made the call about 12:30, after my H was sleeping. I told my mother and she said there could be a million reasons why the phone rang and knocked me off. Maybe everyone was calling on their cell phone at that time to wish family a Happy New Year and the cell towers got screwed up. She also pointed out that he was probably still at his Brother in law's and probably not even in the car when I left the message. I know she is probably right, but still I am worried. Beacuse I heard from him last Friday, I guess I expect to hear from him today, but its already 11 a.m. and the possibility is dwindling. This means I will not see him or hear from him until Monday when we both go back to work. UGH! Now, I sort of regret calling him on New Years Eve even though I thought at the time it was a sweet gesture. When we last spoke, we hung up and he called me back a minute later and said, "I love you, hon, you know that, right?" I am trying to remember those words and not get so caught up in anything negative.

I know a lot of people have been writing about the sadness they feel being in an affair. I am going through the same thing. I started therapy because of it. As crazy as it sounds, my therapist thinks I have two wonderful men in my life and should be happy. The only problem he sees is that my insecuities are so severe, I could screw up my A by constantly second guessing myself. Like right now, I am thinking "why isn't he calling me when he called last Friday? Did his W find the cell phone? Did I get him in trouble by leaving that message? Or, maybe he does not want to talk to me?" My therapist says I have to start to change my way of thinking and not be so narrow minded. So, I am trying to think of all the positive things that could be keeping him from calling me. Maybe he decided to take his kids somewhere since it's the last day of their x-mas vacation. Maybe his W (who loves shopping apparently) forced him to go shopping with her. I am trying.

I also read the post about people being jealous if the MM sleeps with his W. Let me tell you right now, my MM and I do not discuss our sex life with our spouses. We both decided from the beginning this was not a good idea. Every once in a while it's brought up, but not often. I know he has sex with his wife, I am not stupid or unrealistic. She is a familiar, warm body. Does it bother me? Sure. But I try not to think about it. I know he feels the same way. I also know that there will be times when he has to go on vacation with his W and I with my H. Should he or I stop living just because we are involved with each other? No, I realized that when you are in an A, you have to maintain as much as normalcy as possible, otherwise people will get suspicious. My therapist told me that it is "rare" that the other woman (me) feels this way. My only problem is my damn insecurities, GOD, I wish I could get passed them! Everything would be great then and I could really enjoy my A and accept it for what it is.

By the way, all, just got a great book: "Secret Lovers, Affairs Happen, How to Cope." you can get it on Amazon.com. It tells you the positives and negatives of an affair. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, anybody have any ideas? Did I do the right thing? I am so scared, I did not mean to get him in trouble...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:42pm
Hi Mismissym,

Did you do the right thing??? Well, there isn't really any way to know. I know that isn't very comforting, and I can totally relate to insecurities taking over. That happens ALL the time with me. I can only tell you this, based on my own experiences, that once you've done something (such as leaving him a message on his voice mail) you can't change that, and constantly dwelling on it is going to drive you crazy. Trust me I know. I've spent many weekends dwelling over something about my R with MM that I can't talk to him about (he doesn't always get the chance to contact me over the weekend) and it really gets to me....even to the point of anxiety. Does it solve anything??? Nope....just drives me crazy. MM is the best in that he is always willing to listen when I talk (repeatedly) of my insecurities and he says I have this big ball of stress that just bounces from one area to the next. If I don't have something tangible to stress about, I will internalize about myself.

I'm really glad you are seeing a therapist to help you work through your insecurities. I have givin some serious thought to going to therapy myself. I wish you the best. So, take a deap breath, and remember you can only deal with one day at a time.

Annika (who, ironically, has read "Secret Lovers"....I picked that book up within the first month of getting myself involved with MM).

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 6:01pm
first step...take a deep breath

you dont even know if the situation is anythign to worry about yet. although the nature of an A is to be highly suspicious and overly cautious(especially if the W/H doesnt know). but thats no reason to think the worst for lack of a phone call. most of us know we come second place in the relationship and as you said...there could be a hundred completely innocent reasons he hasnt called yet.

try to relax, papmer yourself a bit and think positive until you have concrete reason not to.

hugs your way and lots of luck.

laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 10:47pm
HI mis

No you did nothing wrong.

By the way your therapist sounds like a real quack.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 11:05pm
Your high school spelling/grammar teacher must have been a real quack.