Did i get sucked in by words.....
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| Fri, 10-31-2003 - 4:48am |
Anyway back to my EMA. We met after i posted a profile on a site called lavalife which i came across by accident. I did it mostly out of curiosity. Never really thought it'd go anywhere. That i'd just have a look to see. When i met my MM i think it was just the companionship that i'd been missing after losing my best friend & sister 5 yrs ago at just 36 that i suddenly got back. Away from the pressures of family life & responsibilities. We started seeing each other & things moved along pretty quickly but never quite going 'all the way'. MM insisted that he wouldn't make love to me until i told him myself that i wanted him to. Not in an email or even a text msg. You have to tell me yourself was what he said. In the 1st 8 weeks we saw each other about 8 times. Once a week would've evened it out nicely but it was more like 5 times in the 1st 2 weeks & 3 times over the next 6. We then started talking about spending a night together when i had to go away for a business seminar but something went wrong when DH found out about MM. MM & I agreed we should back off but somehow it didn't seem to happend straight away & we talked quite a bit after i convinced DH that he was just a friend & someone i could talk to. DH has no idea how we really met. Because MM lived local to me i was able to make out like i'd met him one day when we were both having a coffee by ourselves on xmas eve. Which wasn't totally untrue ... just a twisted version cause we were having coffee after arranging to meet that day. I told DH i had only seen him one other time apart from when we met but that i'd spoken to him on the phone many times. I also told him that i wasn't going to stop talking to him cause that would be admitting i'd done something wrong which i hadn't. About a week after all this came out MM & i were arranging to meet when something said in a text msg was taken the wrong way & suddenly he wouldn't talk to me. I forced him to talk a cpl of days later by calling his phone until he answered. We had to cut the call short when his W came home & he said we'd talk later but he never did call. Over the next week i tried to get him to talk to me & even put my point across in an email but he still ignored me. I decided to leave it for a while & then about 4 weeks later i tried again & was surprised when this time he answered my text. A few texts exchanged but suddenly he stopped again. Again i waited a while & tried again. This time he said he's call & after 3 months of not talking he called one day but DH was there so i couldn't talk to him. DH insisted that if we were really just good friends he was ok with me talking to him. MM msg'd a week later asking me to call if i could & if i wanted to. By this stage i realised i was ready to move on & sent a text saying that i'd tried for so long to talk maybe we should just move on but i'd think about it & let him know. He said ok but also mentioned that he & his W were selling up & moving away soon. I had decided that any chance of 'just bumping into each other one day' was suddenly gone & agreed to talk to him again & arranged a time for him to call. That time came & went & i didn't hear from him so i msg'd him a while later & after a little more toing & froing of msgs we eventually talked 4 months after the last time i'd seen him. I managed to clear the air on some things that had been takent he wrong way & he said that we'd both been taken the wrong way very badly & that he wanted to see me again. I asked him what about when you move away & he said that we could enjoy some time together before he went & then see each other when we could after he goes. We saw each other the next day & things moved very quickly again, just like before which scared me a bit but it felt so comfortable at the same time. We saw each other on many occasions after that. Sometimes once a week, sometimes more & sometimes not for a couple of weeks at a time. Eventually his house went up for sale & i was fine with that & then suddenly in a very short time it was sold & the purchasers wanted a quick settlement. I freaked out a bit when he told me this & then said things wouldn't work once he was gone (he's moving 5 hours away) & that we shouldn't see each other anymore. He asked if i wanted to end just like that to which i replied... no just like i didn't want it to end the way it did last time. I tried to stick to my decision as i also felt i needed to be of support to my DH as his father was dying. But i couldn't even last a day so i msg'd him the next day & said i wanted to talk. It was during this phone call i said i wanted to keep seeing him & enjoy what time we had left & then see what could be organised later. I also told him in this phone call what he'd been waiting to hear.. that i wanted to make love before he left. We decided then that we would spend the day together the day before he left as he would be here one extra day w/out his W. I also said i wanted to see him as much as possible before he left but all he could manage was 2 times for about an hour each time. First time within a cpl of days of this phone call & the 2nd time about 3 weeks later cause he got tied up in packing up the house. The time 3 weeks later was on Sun 19th Oct & was the last time i saw him. 4 days before we planned to spend the day together. He told me then that his W may not be leaving a day early after all. We only spent an hour together but we made love. Not quite the way i planned it... on a picnic blanket hidden in the bushes whilst getting attacked by mosquitos. He orgasmed, i didn't. He wanted to talk about it afterwards & started saying how nice it was. When we said goodbye it was a lot quicker than we would normally take & even tho we talked for a little while which we were usually busy doing other things to do we never talked about what if he couldn't make it thurs. Which was our planned day. He said he would call me before then but he didn't. On the thurs morn i still hadn't heard so i sent a msg saying '???'. A reply came fairly quickly saying 'No. sorry. not alone.xxx' to which i sent one back saying 'that's fine but i thought you would've let me know before now'. And then i just waited for a phone call. I couldn't call him he was with his W but he knew my husband was away for the day with work which was why we were going to be able to spend the day together. By the afternoon i hadn't heard anything.. not even a msg to say goodbye i'll call when i can. So i sent him a msg saying... 'so that's it? What do i think now? I thought you would've let me know if today wasn't going to happen' but still now reply. In desperance i called his home but it was disconnected. I called his mobile but he had no service. You see their home sold quicker than they expected so he's staying with his parents about 2.5 hrs away where there is no mobile phone service until they buy where they want to relocate to. So now i can't msg & get msgs back or even call cause he has no service where he is. But i sent another msg that night anyway hoping eventually he'll get it if he goes somewhere where he does get service. So its been nearly 2 weeks since i saw him or talked to him & a week yesterday since i was supposed to see him & nothing. No phone call to say goodbye i'll call you when i can. No msg. Not even an email. I don't know if he has internet access where he is. I sent a couple of emails anyway just in case. And even sent more text msgs just in case becasue he suggested that it would be ok to do cause he'll get them eventually. That was when we first talked about how quickly the sale had come thru. He also told me during this call that he was surprised himself at how he was feeling over the whole thing. Indicating that he had more feeling than he thought he would. I sent an email telling him i missed him if that was ok to say & that i wanted to talk to him soon. I also sent the same thing in a txt msg. Then i sent another txt msg about 2 days later saying ' did i tel you that i miss you? And if i did is it ok to say it again?' But today i was feeling so upset that i couldn't help myself so i sent a txt msg saying 'if its time for me to move on then i'm ok with that but i need you to say so. if this was just about a chance for a quick f**k before you left then tell me that too. i want to believe there was more to it than that but if i got it wrong then at least tell me. I've been on this emotional rollercoaster long enough. xxx' I know he may not get it but i had to say my piece.
So now i have to ask. Have i been used? Did i fall for a bunch of words? It seems like a lot of trouble he went to for a quick 5 min f**k. Should i just accept that i was the fool & get on with my life. Or is he just waiting for the right time to eventually call.
Sorry for the long post.
Kaz

You may very well hear from him again. Especially if you don't text message or call or email him again. If you don't, you'll probably hear from him again, because his ego will get him to wondering why you have 'forgotten' about him.
I liked Lilah's post a lot. I thought she worded it wonderfully. But the bottom line is that this guy doesn't feel the same way as you do. The sooner you move on, the better for you. Because you deserve better.
Friends forever he said... no matter what. Friends don't go away without saying goodbye. He also promised that he'd talk to me next time instead of taking me the wrong way. And made me promise that if the guilt got too much that i'd talk to him. So if this is just about a fresh start that's all he had to say. I asked him when he first talked about moving away if i was setting myself up to be hurt again & he said no. So you can see why i feel like i've been sucked in by words. Against your advice i did send him a couple more texts but i also accepted as i was sending the last one that its time to move on & see what happens. So thank you both for your words of encouragement & now i'm going to look into that other support board you suggested. I know i deserve better & more importantly my wonderful husband deserves better than for me to be distracted with thoughts of someone else.
Thanks again
K
Did i react too quickly about him not letting me know that 'our day' together wasn't going to happen and then subsequently not calling before he left. He was with his wife after all. It's just that that never stopped him at least messaging me in the past. When i sent that first couple of messages telling him how hurt i was with his lack of contact could he have seen that as an overreaction cause he was planning on calling as soon as he could. I reacted the way i did because i knew once he got to his parents place that he wouldn't have as much phone service as we were used to. That i couldn't just msg & say call me when you are alone cause i am. Apart from the initial msg that said i was hurt when he didn't call before he left the next couple were just little ones saying that i missed him. But when nothing came back should i have just waited cause maybe he didn't get them. When i didn't & i said things about his intentions could he have thought that i was looking for more from him than i was? He accused me in the past of getting too serious. I corrected him & told him i wasn't looking for anything serious... that this was just about rebelling against the pressures & responsibilities of living such a hectic lifestyle. Just time out to enjoy each others company. Could he have suddenly felt pressured. The problem is i didn't hear a thing from him since we took that next step & crossed the line so to speak. At least not until i asked him if we were still going to meet that day. And when we couldn't i expected him to call & he didn't. Just a quick call to say sorry plans didn't work out but i'll call you when i can. I'm pretty sure he has at least gotten some of my messages. I tried calling & leaving a voice mail message for him on saturday but instead of it going to his message bank the phone rang. So he's been in an area with service at least once since he left but still nothing back. Not even a message to say sorry but i've changed my mind. It took me by surprise when it rang & i didn't want to put him in an uncomfortable position if he was with his wife so i hung the call up. If he does think that i was getting too serious then he should've talked to me cause that's what he promised after the last time. And if its just that he's dealing with guilt then what about me... i'm dealing with it too & he made me promise to talk to him about it if i felt like that so shouldn't he reciprocate.
Anyway.... as i said i'm not going to message him anymore but i just to thinking and needed to vent.
as it is you pretty much waited around messaging him to see what the hell was going on,
they toy with us and they get weird, at least mine does all the time... it makes me insane... don''t let it do the same to you.... F**k him, don't do this to yourself, focus on your H and family, do something nice for yourself , go shopping , go drinking even,
just don't and I repeat DON'T do this to yourself...
but i hoped it was just the surroundings & lack of time & was looking forward to our day together to see if that made a difference. Anyway just trying to lighten my mood a bit & look at the funny side of what you said when you said f**k him. I sent him a goodbye msg last week telling him he knew where to find me if he changed his mind about talking & letting him know that i needed to focus on more important things for a while but that he was still important to me. That was a week ago & i've wanted to try calling him or even msging some other thoughts since then but have managed to restrain myself. Tomorrow its 3 weeks since he moved away & another 4 days on top of those 3 weeks since i saw him & today is 1 week since i msg'd him goodbye and still nothing back from him. Most days i wake up strong & then go to msg him anyway but my strength comes back & i refuse to let him get to me even though deep down he does. But at least he doesn't know that.