Did I screw things up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Did I screw things up?
3
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 10:29pm
I feel like I screwed things up. I started to cry last night while mm was here. I just couldn't seem to hold back my tears. Why the tears? Tears about when he's going to leave. Then he started to cry & of course then I feel like a jerk for upsetting him. He asked me why I would feel bad about that? He said that I have every right to feel the way I do & he doesn't know why I don't bring it up everyday. He said I have every right to say those things to him. He said he just needs to do it, because for one that's what he really wants to do(we've talked about if that is really, really what he wants)& second him putting it off is just hurting me, her, & him. I told him that I feel we just have this same talk every couple of weeks & then he goes home & we don't bring it up again for another couple of weeks. I said I don't want to keep having these talks. He said that I was right, that he leaves here and blocks it all out as much as he can. So he left and I guess rode around for sometime on his motorcycle to think. When I saw him at work today, things seemed different. He seemed upset, mad, I'm not sure exactly. I said something about it while we were working and he said he was just pissed off. That he's always pissed off. I told him that he doesn't seem that way most of the time. I asked why & he said because I can be. I said well I could to, but then life would suck. And he responded that, "well life does suck." I swear I was going to burst into tears right then and there. And I just walked away & started working again. Later during our break, we were alone and he looked at me and winked and I just looked at him and didn't react. He said what no smile for me? I just sat there, not knowing what to say & fighting back my tears. He thought I was mad at him, which I'm not. We talked and he said you're uset because I said life sucks? I said yeah, kinda. He said I don't mean you. Just that I didn't want to get put into this department is one thing, I wish I'd met you before I got married, and just alot of other stuff. Then someone came in. He came by after work and just sat here like a lump. We barely spoke. He kissed me and told me that he loves me & went home just a little bit ago. I asked him last night if he still wanted to go through with leaving. He said yes definately, he would & wants to. He said he doesn't really know what his problem is. I told him he just doesn't know how to start that talk, I understand. Anyhow, things just seemed odd today & I'm so scared they won't go back to normal. I'm hoping that this is just because he know's what he's going to do & is just upset about that. I told him if he doesn't think he can do this, just tell me. He tells me I'm crazy if I think that he'd let me go. I know that he loves me & I hate to see him this way. When I've brought up the subject of us cooling it, he gets upset and sometimes starts to almost cry. He said he doesn't want that at all. He knows that he doesn't want to be there anymore, he's just nervous about leaving. Anyhow, has anyone ever gone through this? How did you handle things? What happened?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 12:37am
Sorry I can't give you any insight into the matter because I am in the same situation. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. You didn't screw things up - you were just being honest. Are you single or married? I am single, so I have too much time to think about what is going on. MM lives in another state so I have only seen him twice in the past months. He has tapered off on the phone calls, in fact I talked to him for a whole nine minutes on Monday and for 4 minutes today. If/when he calls tomorrow, I am going to ask him what the hell is going on.

What were your expections when you got into this A? Do/did you really expect that he would leave his W? My MM has told me that he is going to get a divorce but it seems that when the opportunity comes up, he has 2nd thoughts. What is your situtation? Why is he nervous about leaving? What is keeping him fron leaving?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 7:20am
I'm getting a divorce, it will be final soon infact. In the beginning both of us said that we weren't leaving. I said this because I had just recently gotten m, him, because he has a d who he's crazy about. But as the r grew, our feelings changed. Our r gave me the courage to leave a mentally abusive relationship. I left knowing that mm & I would maybe be together, but even if we didn't get together, that I was better off without my h. Mm hasn't been inlove with w for a long time. They have not one single thing in commen. He just stuck with her, because it was easier. He didn't expect things between us to go to this point. He's never cheated on her before, he's had the chance, but never done anything. Infact he was trying to behave more then I was, just didn't work. Anyhow, he said he would leave & I believe with all of my heart that he means that. BUT! That doesn't mean he will. I don't think that he real knows what he's going to have to deal with when he goes to leave. The tears from his w, his daughter, I have tried to tell him what could happen. Not to scare him, but just so he doesn't walk into it & have no idea what he's in for. I've seen it happen to one of my friends. The mm was head over heals for her, she left and his w found out about everything, he tried to leave, but she begged and cried & he crumbled in the end. I hope that doen't happen in my case, because it will just about kill me. But I know that it could & might happen, so I'm prepared as much as I can I guess. I have a hard time keeping my thoughts to my self, so mm & I don't really have any secrets. Anyhow, thanks for listening, I should see him later today, so I'll let you know if his behavior changes back or not. I hope you get to have a one on one with your mm soon. I would most definately say something too. Goodluck! Jdreamer
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:07am
No one person can screw up a relationship or anything. It always takes two to tango. That's why perhaps he don't bring it up that "you screwed up" too often. I posted yesterday about why it so hard to do be in a situation just like you and not be in conflicted in your emotions. Sometimes its so hard to get through the day, when you have so much you have to accomplish by the end of the day. I know the feeling of being trapped and nervous so well. I can feel that all the time, especially when you have to act to husband like nothing else has happened. It so hard to keep it all straight, I know I am not built for it. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about my future. I keep faith that something will work for us in the end. I don't know what is going to happen but I try to think that here is some hope for us after all things said and done...