Dilemma!! Need advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2011
Dilemma!! Need advise
12
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 6:21pm
I rarely post so I don't think anybody knows my story. I am a MW in an affair with a MM for over 2 years. We always talked about our future but never had any concrete plans. He had a couple of Ddays on his side during these 2 years but his marriage was already in trouble and we continued. And he was about to seperate. Recently I had a Dday and my husband is devastated, H still doesn't know everything I only told him about EA. H wants to rebuild, I don't think my heart is in this marriage. I wasn't very happy during our 15 years of marriage. Although H loved me there was an abuse which I havn't been able to get over. H has promised to get help and is very remorseful for pushing me away and desperately wants to work on the marriage. My AP meanwhile seperated and is moving a few hours away for a job opportunity. He wants me to go with him. I have 2 kids and I have a job. I am so lost and confused. How does he expect me to move to a different state with 2 kids and quit my job? How can I take such a big risk? Shall i just focus on my marriage and give my H another chance?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 7:57pm

Why does he expect you to move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 8:42am
Running from one relationship to another would not be teaching your kids good things. You spent years in an unhappy marriage, moved into an affair as a bandaide, now is the time to find yourself, Dream. Ask your H for a six month separation, no dating on either part see if you miss the life you had, let AP move, find out if you can find your own happiness. Sometimes stepping back and taking a good look will show you, where you should be headed. Good luck! Hugs!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2011
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 9:30am
Thank you Trying & Sunny, I really appreciate your help! I asked for a seperation but my H is just not listening, he just doesn't want to be away from me. I feel so bad for him and I end up staying. But my heart aches and pines for my AP, I know I need to think about my life keeping AP out of the picture , it is just so hard :( I am trying to figure out my husband not wanting to let go, is it a good thing or a bad thing? If i stay just because H loves me, will I again end up in the same situation some time in future? I look at my H as a security and stability for my kids, so do I sacrifies my happiness and compromise again for another 15 years? I wish my H hated me so my decision would have been easier :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 2:46pm
I don't see why it would be a hard decison when you dont love your H and your heart pines for AP ? Your H would be devastated ? So what ? Are u responsible for his life ? Not at all , u r responsible for u only .Not telling your H the complete truth about your affair & asking for sepration in stead of D , is most ridiculous advice that u can get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 6:09pm

When I was trying to work on my relationship with my ex (also was very unhappy and there was emotional abuse on his side), the therapist asked me to imagine that I'm old and looking back at my life, would I think that working on the relationship with this man would have been worth it. And inside me I knew that the answer was no. Even if he stopped the emotional abuse and became "better", I wouldn't have been happy with him.

When we separated, I of course missed certain aspects of our life together, it was hard being a single mom, but once I was over it, I felt liberated and happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2011
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 11:18pm

Sunny gave you some good advice. Let xAp go....too much risk right now with two kids and a whole new life. That's not something to rush into.

Formerly heartacheafter7years
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2012
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 4:13am

Has your AP ever met your kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 8:06am
JustAnotherDude wrote:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2011
Mon, 04-16-2012 - 6:07pm
Thanks sireanita, angie & Dude for your insights.
My H is showing really extreme behaviour, from begging, pleading, crying for me to stay to turning the kids against me. He is also having panic attacks, he can't sleep and diesn't let me sleep either. It is exhausting :( i hope the time will heal him and then i can move on. But right now he is clinging on to me for his life. What i can't believe is this was the guy who was so insensitive to my needs, made fun of me and physically abused me not to the point of giving me bruises but punching and shoving!!
As for the Ap, yes he has kids and also he has been with my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Wed, 04-18-2012 - 10:52am
sireanita wrote:
JustAnotherDude wrote:

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