Disappearing Act?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
Disappearing Act?
7
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:07am

So I don't even know what to make of this, maybe some of ya'll have dealt with the same thing and can give some advice..

So here's some background info: He's married, I'm the OW. Affair has been going on for almost 2 years now, started out great but things have been major rough lately. He mostly moved out of his house with family except weekends and lives on his own now near his work which is away from me also.

So here's the current situation: Things with us have been really hard lately. He's over the stress of both his own family and me and has been wanting to just be on his own a ton from anyone. We have been trying to work things out and he was planning on coming to visit me this weekend so we can talk about working it out more. I know he loves me very much the stress is just making it very hard on both of us. He travels a ton for his job whereas I'm still a student, and recently he's been spending weeks at a time in Europe for work and really isn't over here much at all. Normally we have great communication and contact, but for some reason he has just done a disappearing act!!! He's been gone for well over a full day without warning and I don't know what to do, this is really strange for him. He's on a work trip to Europe right now, and his work e-mail says he's on "vacation" and returns any e-mails and says to call his cell. His cell, which is his work cell and his only one, is dead, or off, or I don't know what. Last we spoke was over a day ago where he was at a random Paris bar with coworkers at 2 am, then cell goes out and nothing, no word, no replies to his extra e-mail account, nothing. Am I overreacting? I can't figure out if this is just some great disappearing act or if something legit happened to him that night in Europe.. Has anyone else dealt with this? Or what does it look like to you? I've been worrying constantly about him since this happened and obviously I would have no way to know if anything had happened to him since I'm the OW...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
In reply to: kca11
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:37am

Hmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
In reply to: kca11
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:49am
He uses both, we usually try to video chat or at least talk over AIM or Yahoo when he's in Europe to cut down international costs on his phone since his work pays for it. That's another reason I'm so puzzled over his work e-mail sending auto replies saying he's on "vacation".. I've e-mailed him before when he's had a lack of cell service in England and he's never not been able to get e-mails over there. It's just so strange to me why his only phone which is essential for work is out and his e-mail isn't working. At the least he usually can get them on his phone even without his laptop.. It's a constant worry for me every time he travels and he knows it, usually if his phone goes out he e-mails me to let me know he's ok which is why at this point I'm starting to worry.. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
In reply to: kca11
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 6:59am

The "vacation" message has me puzzled, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: kca11
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:21am

I dunno... the "vacation" e-mail has to be set up by him. It seems to me that he set it up so that people who normally hear from him won't worry if they don't. I'd be more worried if he didn't set up that automatic reply. From what you said about his wanting to be on his own, that just might be what he's doing right now - saying to himself, I'm tired of texting/e-mailing/talking, I just want to be alone (Greta Garbo voice LOL). He may have done what my H used to do when he traveled to Europe for his job - he would plan a few extra days and take some vacation time to be in the area and NOT have to work. It's very inconsiderate of him not to tell you ahead of time that he wanted a couple or a few days of truly being "on his own", but maybe he didn't want to argue about it and decided to face the consequences later.

I would just sit tight and wait for him to get in touch, although I might send ONE e-mail that sounds frantically worried so he'll realize how this could really upset you! Men don't always realize how we can worry. Please keep us updated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2010
In reply to: kca11
Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:36am
Have you heard from him yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
In reply to: kca11
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 12:43pm

So I finally heard from him after about 2 days, he swears that his phone's battery had been going bad to the point that it wouldn't turn on at all so he got a new one while he was over in Europe.. Things still got worse though, he had a bit of a meltdown after we finally got back in touch. :( Basically he told me he's sick of the stress, sick of constantly worrying about calling, sick of the constant communication, and he's 'done, broken, and over it'... He says he still loves me and he'll come see me "for fun" but even though he loves me he can't deal with the stress and said there is no relationship and no more plans to deal with the stress of divorce at this point. He also stated that he has no plans to ever be with anyone else and if I decide to leave him he's just going to be alone, he doesn't have any plans to move back into his home with family either since he just renewed his lease where he lives away from all of us.. So depressing :(

At this point all I can think is this whole disappearing act was to think about all of this while he was on his work trip, especially since he is starting to make a habit out of just turning his phone off for the day if he decides he doesn't want to deal with it. I don't know what to do at this point...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
In reply to: kca11
Mon, 07-05-2010 - 3:39pm
I'd cut my losses kca. I'm sorry to hear it but it's pretty much what I thought the whole "vacation message" meant. I don't know how he can say he "loves" you, but he'll only see you "for fun" and there's no relationship. I'm not even sure that there is no one else - he might be telling the truth there but he might not. If it were me, I'd walk away, change all my numbers and forget about him. He wants to be alone, let him be alone, and just end it and start your own healing. He seems to want to be single, so let him be single! I know it's hard and I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, you must be heart broken. (((hugs))) sweetie.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've