Disappearing Act

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Disappearing Act
5
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 6:05pm

Why is it that when these guys get scared they just disappear? I can't stand it. I thought I was really getting somewhere w/AP & having him open up some. He admitted that he was staying away b/c W was not attentive to him whereas I am (emotionally---this is not PA). We exchanged some very nice emails 2 weekend ago & then he stopped emailing. I do know he's scared but can't he at least say he's got to back off? I know, I know, you'll say actions speak louder than words but I'm not looking for that crap. I don't want the reality check.

Just tell me if you've got through this too where he just disappears at the drop of a hat & when he reappears it's like he was never gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 6:29pm

Yes, when I was involved in an affair, he would do those things. Just disappear, no word, no nothing. And, yes, when he reappeared, he would act like it was no big deal. Actually, he would act like I should feel sorry for him. But this guy was/still is a professional "victim". Everything is always somebody else's fault, and he's the poor long-suffering one. Ugh. But in hindsight, I can see that it all just goes with the territory. They do it because they can. And there's nothing you can do about it because your place as an AP is really no place at all on their list of accountability.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 6:34pm

>>>"where he just disappears at the drop of a hat & when he reappears it's like he was never gone."<<<

Why would you put up with someone like that? That's so disrespectful and inconsiderate. Don't you think you deserved for him to let you know what's going on instead of just letting you hang like that?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 3:03pm
i agree with you...however some AP's feel like they have to put up with anything for being in the Affair...I'll be darned if i would...my AP/Xap/AP/BF/xBF never disappears even if we aren't together or talking like we aren't now....again..yes i know...his azz wont leave me alone...but, he did once tell me he aint going nowhere and he'll always be around for me...hmmmmmmmm..he's insensitive at times..but wouldn't disappear..and i know where he's at 99% of the time...what i don't like is that i don't get to see his sensitive side unless we break up, then he calls my DS and asks him if he needs anything like money or whathaveyou...they talk and see each other on a regular but, even if there's a long continuum of that..he will still contact my DS and like just talk to him, not about us but like round about things..like how he's feeling if everything's okay at home..blah blah blah..my son told me this time right away..because he thinks that XAP/XBF/AP/BF/X-friend..or whatever regrets what he said to me this time...whew i tell you this journey is an up and down thing but, noone has to put up with someone being downright inconsiderate, rude, insenstive and nasty....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 5:36pm

Just thought I would remind you that lots of men do disappearing acts, particularly in the first few months.

Jilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Sat, 12-06-2008 - 3:50am

I think as women, we grow as we learn and when we know better we do better - or at least hopefully we do :). I agree with the last poster, there are definitely things about A's that are unlike anything else. But, in other ways, the relationship part is similar. Men do tend to pull away, especially at the beginning. They are all into you, excited by the newness, the fun, things are going well, then there is a little pause. It is like a defense mechanism for them, or a refocusing on themselves, a recentering of their life back to sports, their guy friends and a bunch of underwear on the floor (and I DO love guys for ALL of those things :) ). The old, insecure me used to absolutely panic at that point, convincing myself that he is having second thoughts, met someone else, replaying every conversation in my head, never letting the phone out of my site in case he makes contact, etc.etc.....Now, I let it be. I don't contact him. I do other things...go to the gym, start a good book, hang with friends, work some overtime, shop, get my hair done....in other words...go on with life. And here's the key to knowing you've REALLY put your big girl panties on....you ENJOY those things while you are doing them. He'll be back in a couple of days and probably dig you for not invading his personal time. Don't make this more stressful than it has to be. Guys are guys are guys....and they like space. We like to smother. Let's meet somewhere in the middle.

That being said.....an absence to the point of rudeness or inconsideration is unacceptable.