Discovery - freaking out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Discovery - freaking out.
23
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 2:47pm
My Saturday began with a call from my AP to quickly go change the passwords in his e-mail account, that she was going through his computer. A friend later talked to him and said she is accusing, says she found something incriminating (I can't imagine what it would be). She is locked out of the account right now, and will remain so until he tells me otherwise. I don't know what's going on, haven't spoken to him, am really worried, scared, etc. He was planning on leaving in the spring anyway, so I suppose this might just hurry things up, unless he talks his way out of it. I'm sitting here trying to assess what problems this could cause for me if she finds my name, which is on some of his software, because I own the site license. I'm worried about him. And I am completely flipped out that something, don't know what, is happening right now that is going to affect my life and I have no idea what the heck is going on, where he is taking us, what decisions he is making under extreme duress, in addition to what he is already dealing with. This is awful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:46pm
just wanted to say that i'm sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 5:06pm
My paranoid mind has put me in this frame of mind a few times but we've never been through a D-day yet, thank God.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 7:09pm

(((openmyeyes)))


Take a deep breath. Having just experienced something similar a few weeks back I know right where you are right now. If you guys have talked about this and the "when" not "if" d day happened have faith that he is sticking to the script.


My AP did everything he could to deflect it from me and we managed to come out of it a little banged up, but still intact. If he can keep a cool head and not get "tricked" into admitting anything hopefully you guys will be realtively unscathed.


I know how horrifying it is to be sitting so far away from the situation wondering and waiting...it sucks! Please take care of yourself. Remember to eat and drink water...try to keep somewhat busy and keep posting if you have to. I am thinking about you and I hope that it is a false alarm.


mom-

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 7:25pm
Here's the thing: We are about 36 hours from that initial phone call and no information. I am not sure at what point I need to start worrying about protecting myself, when it is time to admit that my faith in him was misplaced, or at the very least, and this is more likely, that he is in a weakened mental state and cannot take care of "us." He and I have been making pretty concrete plans for our future, talking about buying property, building a house, etc. He just started treatment for PTSD last week and really is weakened right now. As of the last time we had calm time together, Friday, he was feeling OK, if worn and scared about his treatment. We were united as a couple to ensure he got through treatment, we had plans for how he could get in contact with me in the middle of the night if he had bad dreams, we were solid. Now I am faced with a situation where my partner and our relationship is under attack, and I am having a hard time sitting here and doing nothing. I am ready to take up arms (metaphorically of course) to protect his sanity and our future. If I believe in our relationship and in him, if I am truly his partner and he mine, then I am absolutely called to defend him if the need arises. Anything else would be abandonment when he most needs support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:22am
I am totally sympathetic to your situation and I can't even imagine what you are feeling right now...but the bottom line is that you have no choice but to wait and hear further from your AP what is going on. Even though you are the one helping him get through PTSD, SHE is his wife. It is up to him now, even in his fragile state, to handle whatever fury is going on in their household...and he needs to be the one to take himself out of the situation and walk out. There's no sense in waiting until the spring if she knows now. Not the way he wanted to leave her I'm sure but in the end its the same result. I'm confused about you owning the site and all that jazz but you just have to hope this results in as little damage possible for him and for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:02pm

Hi,


I have been through 2 Discovery days with my AP, his W found out both times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:30pm

Day three and still no info. I'm worried sick about him, mostly, at this point. He must have been able to talk his way out of it, or I would have heard something from him by now, I suspect. He hasn't been answering calls from our mutual friend, though, which is kind of troubling.

Here's something that I am a bit puzzled by, though. He swears to me that he will be leaving the marriage in the spring. He is staying that long out of financial obligation, he says. Too many details for an anonymous message board, but it is legit. To some degree, I don't even understand why even try to smooth things over at this point. Why not just walk, since we are only four months away from that anyway? We live in a no-fault state, though I suppose she could drag the divorce out if she were really mad. Aside from the obvious "he has no intention of leaving her" answer, which I really do not believe is the case, why stay? If you have the "opportunity" of a near D-day, why not just say, "You know what, I am not having an affair, but I am tired of being accused all of the time, tired of having my every move watched and questioned. I am tired of not being able to do things with my friends and not being able to even call people in your presence. I'm done."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:41pm

"You know what, I am not having an affair, but I am tired of being accused all of the time, tired of having my every move watched and questioned. I am tired of not being able to do things with my friends and not being able to even call people in your presence. I'm done."

Why shouldn't she say this to him? Because the fact remains that he IS having an affair. That she SHOULD be monitoring his movements if she wants to stay married to him. And though you said you didn't want to hear it, there is still a very real chance that he doesn't truly want to leave the marriage. I know you think you're different. Everyone on here does. Most aren't. For your sake, I hope he's telling the truth and you will get what you desire. But there have been way too many people on this board that have been to the rodeo way too many times for me to place any stock in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 3:07pm

I agree that, in the end, I could end up the fool in all this. No way to really know for sure other than to let it play out.

Here's the thing that I don't get, though:

She has caught him cheating (with someone else) twice before. She doesn't trust him, and she shouldn't, because he has cheated throughout their entire marriage and now is planning a future with a woman he has been seeing for almost a third of the time they have been married. She is paranoid, controlling, verbally abusive and obviously quite miserable. Who wouldn't be? Whether the controlling aspect of her personality came before or after she caught him cheating the first time, I don't know. I suspect a little of both, but the one fact--misery--remains.

He has been seeking whatever it is that makes him happy from outside of his marriage since before they were married. He is not allowed to do things with friends. He cannot call friends in her presence. He is obviously miserable.

Two people miserable together. Here's a solution: end it.

I just don't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 5:15pm

Who knows why these people do what they do. I mean, one could say the same about you, right? "Why does she stay in a relationship with that married man?" I think people stay until they just can't do it anymore, however long that takes. She probably loves him. The man that I had an affair with had about as bad a marriage and home situation as I have ever seen. His wife treated him like a piece of sh*t on the bottom of a shoe. Not only that, she contributed very little to the family life. Did no housework, didn't take care of their five kids, ran around with other men, drank like a fish, stayed out all hours of the night. The list could go on and on. But he's still married to her (thank God for me). And this was a few years ago.

No, I don't know why people remain in negative, unhealthy relationships. But they do. Hopefully, this will not be the case.

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