Discovery - freaking out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Discovery - freaking out.
23
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 2:47pm
My Saturday began with a call from my AP to quickly go change the passwords in his e-mail account, that she was going through his computer. A friend later talked to him and said she is accusing, says she found something incriminating (I can't imagine what it would be). She is locked out of the account right now, and will remain so until he tells me otherwise. I don't know what's going on, haven't spoken to him, am really worried, scared, etc. He was planning on leaving in the spring anyway, so I suppose this might just hurry things up, unless he talks his way out of it. I'm sitting here trying to assess what problems this could cause for me if she finds my name, which is on some of his software, because I own the site license. I'm worried about him. And I am completely flipped out that something, don't know what, is happening right now that is going to affect my life and I have no idea what the heck is going on, where he is taking us, what decisions he is making under extreme duress, in addition to what he is already dealing with. This is awful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 5:24pm

Hi Open -


Honey - I know you are probably totally freaking out here - and I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 7:53pm

She has caught him cheating (with someone else) twice before. She doesn't trust him, and she shouldn't, because he has cheated throughout their entire marriage and now is planning a future with a woman he has been seeing for almost a third of the time they have been married.


Ahh my question is WHY do you want to be with a serial cheater? This guys sounds like a piece of work to me. You must think you can change him. You must think his love for you is different. I dont mean to be mean. But i am tired of us women ending up hurt by these guys. I got hurt. Now i feel like a fool. But i am getting stronger day by day. You need to think about the possibility you may have to walk away from this madiness. Some poster might sound mean. By telling you what you dont want to hear. Really they care about you. Will be here for you. Its just the truth hurt sometimes.

I
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 1:20pm
Oh my god, it is way worse than I could have imagined. He confessed, sort of, and is protecting my identity. She threatened to kill herself if he left her. He is saying we need a time out. I feel like I am going to throw up. I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 1:55pm

Open,

I always enjoyed reading your advice and support.

Although this is a rocky situation you are in - there is nothing that you can do. =(
Unfortunately, all we can do is wait it out to see how it plays out.

I agree with tellithowitis 110%. I am in a similar situation where my AP is planning on leaving but yet he still covers up so that "she" doesn't find out. The problem is that deep down, I think that I know, and so do you, that they're not leaving. If he had affairs before you, then what makes it different this time?

And about his wife monitoring his movements - she is entitled to do that. Heck, I would monitor every single breathe he takes if he cheated on me before. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't have gotten himself in this mess.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 4:19pm

Well, here we are a week out. This is more miserable than I could have every planned for, though I am still irritated with him for not having a plan in place. He is still living at home. She still does not know who I am. She wants him to send me an e-mail "breaking up" with me. When he told me about that, he said to ignore the e-mail, that he didn't mean anything in it. I asked him to just not send it, that it was disrespectful to me and him and our relationship, as well as to her, to fake break up. He is maintaining. He did not give her an accurate picture of our R, but rather painted it as something that had only been going on since the fall. He is in survival mode, I suspect, with his PTSD treatment and all of this happening at once. He has asked me for some space to figure things out, says that I will probably not like the answer he gives me if I push him for a decision right this moment. I am, of course, shocked by this because I believed he had already made his decision. He told our mutual friend that he hopes I can give him the space and that he wishes he could have some time away from his wife as well, though that is not possible, because he has to live in the same house with her. We still talk from time to time, but not frequently. I miss him terribly. I am really scared and confused. I have started seeing a therapist, in hopes of at least keeping myself on an even keel. Both the circumstances now and the fact that he is going through PTSD treatment warrant it.

I'm mostly just tired of all the lying. What I really want him to do is just tell the truth about everything. Stop trying to cobble together a poorly executed story to get him through to the next day. Just tell the truth. It would be so much simpler.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 7:54pm

>>>"I'm mostly just tired of all the lying. What I really want him to do is just tell the truth about everything. Stop trying to cobble together a poorly executed story to get him through to the next day. Just tell the truth. It would be so much simpler."<<<

Sorry to say this, but if he would have wanted to come clean and get out of his M this would have been the perfect time to do that. But, it's not what he wants. He's actions speaks loud but you're not willing to hear it. I know I've said this before. He likes having a W and you on the side. Now he's working really hard (even to the point of pushing you out) just so he can still have his W. Makes me think you may be the disposable one in this equation.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 8:01pm

I'm a lurker coming out to talk.

Sparkle

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sat, 01-24-2009 - 10:27pm

Hi Openmyeyes,


So, from what I know about you, you really want a realtionship with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:12am
This just gets crazier and crazier. So I was on my account tonight and the wife sends me a chat from his account. I was sure I took myself out of his chat window, but who knows, he is less computer savvy than me and might have accidentally changed settings or tried to chat me and didn't put me back on invisible. My e-mail account does not have my name on it, so I am not outed completely. But chatting with her was lame. I didn't ignore it, that would have been strange. She didn't ask any direct questions and I didn't answer any questions. It was this odd dance that probably read a lot like a couple of strangers in a chat room making obscure innuendos to nothing. But it was disconcerting. And I don't know what to do if she starts asking direct questions. I really do not want to lie about this. I am not interested in this false story and I don't really even know the details. What the heck am I supposed to do with this. And furthermore, I really wish he would just make her stop. Call her bluff. Threaten to leave if she doesn't stop. I don't know. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with this sort of thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 2:10am

Openmyeyes,


Just wanted to offer a quick supportive note after that last one in case you read before bed.