Dissatisfied and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Dissatisfied and Confused
4
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 1:00pm
Hello!

Well, I must say that I was very surprised to find this forum. I never expected to find a place where women were speaking so frankly about these types of issues. But, I'm glad for the anonymity (sp?) that allows us to do so.

I am a 28 year old married woman w/3 kids. My husband and I have been married for 8 years in May. To put it mildly, right now I am feeling very dissatisfied and sexually frustrated.

Let me start by saying that before I met my husband, I had been very sexually active. I also already had my first child (he was about 8mos or so). My son's father was a very accomplished lover (age 25 to my age 18) and he was quite frankly the best lover that I have ever had. He was the type of man where nothing was off limits. Each time we made love was literally like something out of a porn movie. I have only had sex w/one other man who came close (NOT my husband).

So, to make a long story short, my husband was never on the level of what I liked sexually. However, when we first married, I was able to get him to get him to experiment somewhat. Partly because he was a big drinker and living a "worldly" (meaning "sinful" --this will make sense in a minute) lifestyle. Now, fastforwarding to 2004, my husband has been "reclaimed" (meaning returned to his preacher's kid roots) and is now faithfully attending church and is also now a Minister of the Gospel (laymen's terms = "preacher").

Being "saved" or "born again" has not been the cause of our marriage problems, per se, but it has made some things that I was ignoring become ever more pronounced. Sex had never been what I would call stellar, but because I loved him so much it was at least safisfactory. Also, as I said before, when he drank I could get him to do some things. Now, everything has become so tame. There's no excitement, no spark. Sex is a silent act done basically in the dark. After talking, he has made a valiant effort to spice it up, but not to the raunchy level that I want. It just not in him to take it there, it never was.

Here's the problem: lately, I have been fantasizing about other men. I mean fantasizing to the point of formulating plans to put the fantasies into action. I am reasonably attractive, and men have always constantly hit on me, especially at work. However, I have always turned them down never even considering their attention. I turn them down so vicously sometimes that I have a rep for doing so. But now, there is a new guy and I can honestly say I am now looking temptation squarely in the eye. I have never felt this way about a man since I've been married. I dream about this man and I find any excuse to be where I know he is. Even to the point of coming to work early because he is due there 30 mins before me. To the point that I make sure I ride by the job when I know he's getting ready to get off so I can see him going to his car and just "run into" him. And the scary part is I know he's interested in me as well. I can just look at this man and tell that if we had sex it would be totally off the hook. These feeling scare me and excite me as well.

I don't know what I can do to stifle these feelings. I know that having any kind of contact w/this man would be wrong. I have so much respect for my husband and the thought of disrespecting him and hurting him sickens me. I know for sure that I don't want to leave my marriage.

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:43pm
I have one word for you:

COUNSELLING

Find a good marriage counsellor. See him/her by yourself a few times until you've explained everything you're struggling with. Then have him/her meet with you and hubby...guiding and facilitating the discussion around areas of concern. You may find your dh has issues of his own and hopefully you can resolve them, too. If dh isn't receptive to counselling - and he may not be - use these words: "I love you, but I am struggling in our marriage. I want to overcome these obstacles and return to having a strong and happy marriage." Decide for yourself what his consequence would be for not joining you: 'We need to do this or it's over'; 'We need to do this or you're telling me it's time we lived separate lives within this marriage', whatever.

Good luck, honey, I hope things improve at home.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:09pm
Welcome to the forum.. we're glad you found us. Let me say that not only are you and your husband not on the same wavelength physically, now you are on different wavelengths spiritually. He's gone through a life-changing experience that obviously has deep roots for him. If you were to go through with the A, and he were to find out, it would wipe him out. You need to be prepared for that... I know what I'm talking about. However, because he has been reborn doesn't mean your sex life has to suffer. Trust me, God made our physical bodies, He knows every hair on our head, and he gave us the desires we have. By your own admission you and H were never overly compatible, but you were settling. You haven't been all that specific, but I think most any man would glad to learn the things that you need, provided there is no physical pain involved and he doesn't feel demeaned. Please please... before contemplating anything as drastic as an A, follow Lucky's prompting and get some serious counselling. If the marriage is going to fail, let that happen before you launch into a relationship with someone else. That would be so hard on H. I don't always defend H, and I truly don't mean to tell you that his happiness is more important than yours. I'm just cautioning you to look very closely at everything involved. Good luck to you, honey. Let us know if we can help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:35pm

hi vabeloved and i agree with the ladies here.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 5:49pm
Hello ladies,

Yes, I do certainly agree w/counseling. I have suggested it to H but he wants to go to our pastor. He won't even consider going to a secular counselor, eventho' we could go for free through a program at my job.

I really feel extremely uncomfortable telling my personal and very private business to someone who knows us that well. I wouldn't feel free to be as candid as I would be w/someone who didn't know us personally. So we are at an impasse on this as well.

However, on the bright side, finding this forum kinda let me know that other women do have these types of feelings. It helps to at least have an outlet and not have it bottled up inside anymore. That means alot to me.

I'll keep you guys posted.