Do I have a reason for my insecurity?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Do I have a reason for my insecurity?
2
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 3:22pm

My finance and i are together now after a long affair. We were both married. I ended my marriage 6 weeks in to the affair. It took him 2 painful years to end his.

So, i should be happy now, right? The problem is i don't trust him. I remember all the lies he told his x-wife, so sometimes i wonder if he is lying to me as well.

For instance, on the 4th of July, he kept talking about the need to go to his office to check his voice mail and his email. When i pointed out the obvious, that he would easily do that from home, he said, "You're right. I guess i don't need to go." But then, when i went to the grocery store, he went anyway. He later told me he didn't want me to know because he knew it would create a fight (he was right. It did start a fight). In my view, he went there for a reason: either to call someone or look at porn, which he does often.

Our two children are away. It's not often that we get a real night to ourselves in the house. I came home early and in a good mood. He was grumpy and negative. Of course this hurt, as i saw the afternoon/evening as a special opportunity--like a holiday. We went to the gym and out of no where, he takes off his ipod and comes over to me and asks if i know a woman that recently attended a meeting of his. I said: Oh, you mean that pretty Asian woman? And his reply: "She's not pretty, she's striking." I still have no idea why he brought this up--but i tried to adjust my attitude. We went home and i made dinner and he was basically distant and not very communicative. I think he actually started reading the paper at dinner

I have told him my fears. I have been honest with him. He has been unfaithful many times in his life. He told me that when he found me he quit looking--that that was the gift i gave him. He now feels totally satisfied.

Last year, i saw an email he wrote to another pretty girl--about 30 years his junior. Again, i felt it was overly intimate. I said something and told him i was uncomfortable with his taking her to lunch--which was their plan. He did it anyway.

I don't know. once you are in an affair--even when it works out--the issue of trust is huge. Do i feel like he is having an affair? I don't know. But it makes me sick that i even think about it at all.

I am 45 and he is a good looking 60 year old.

I don't know if i am just insecure or if he gives me a reason to be.

What are your thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 3:49pm
I think he's the BIG reason why you are. He's too illusive in my book. I also don't get mentioning some striking woman to you unless it's to make you 'cuckoo". I don't know if I can be with someone I'm not 110% sure I can trust. You might want to rethink going forward with all this red flags flapping in your face. Seems to me you're his exit A and is now looking forward to enjoying his bachelorhood.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 4:00pm

thanks for your reply. he tends to "tease" me about other women. It's really not fun. And it was very misplaced yesterday.

I am trying to get neutral right now--trying not to care one way or another and get my own power back. It's all small stuff but it adds up.