Do I have a right to not feel guilty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Do I have a right to not feel guilty?
4
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 1:53pm
I was married for seven years. He cheated on me a couple of times and we separated, but talked about reconciling. Early into the separation, he met a woman and she got pregnant a month after they met. Because of the pregnancy, he asked her to marry him after our divorce was final. However, the entire time he's been with her he's also been with me. I love him a great deal and they're not married yet. Do I have a right to not feel guilty about the fact that he still loves me and wants me and that I still have those feelings for him even though he's engaged considering that she broke up our marriage and kind of trapped him with her pregnancy? By the way, he has told me that he wants us to have a long-term affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:31am
You shouldn't feel guilty because he was YOUR husband FIRST. As far as I'm concerned she's the other woman. However, I must say that she did not break up your marriage. You and your xH broke up your marriage. She was just a factor that facilitated the break up.

I find it troubling that he wants to have a long term affair with you. What I see is him taking away your wifely benefits and giving them to someone else and in the process asking you to play second fiddle to this someone else. If he really wants you, he'd remarry you and still continue to be a father to this new child. It just doesn't sound right. Think about it.

Think about what YOU really want. What you're willing to sacrifice and not sacrifice for what you want both long term and short term.

Good Luck.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 9:39am
What an unusual situation. I don't think the issue is of whether you should feel guilty or not as much as whether or not you want to continue in this R. His infidelity is definitely an issue. You said he cheated on you "a couple of times." Was this a couple of times with a couple of different women or was it the same woman? Why does he feel the need to have more than one woman at a time? These are all things you should ask yourself. Maybe he does truly love you -- probably -- however, even if the two of you did end up together down the line, could you really trust him after all this? I know we all have the same issues with our MMs, but it seems like this man is more your PAST than your FUTURE, if you know what I mean. Could it be that you are having trouble letting go of what is safe and familiar?
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 10:36am
You shouldn't feel guilty if this is your decision. But please, make sure you are NOT in love with him as a husband and that is going to end badly. Make sure you realize HE decided to cheat and get her pregnant.... can't pin all the blame on her. Make sure you realize this guy is TRULY having his cake and eating it too. Even more so than most MM in my opinion. But, if you have looked at all the angles, and have made your decision with an honest and open heart, then proceed and have fun, and leave the guilt behind.

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 1:35pm
Okay...he cheated on me with a couple of different women. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and a sexual addiction (thus the not being happy with one woman thing.) I honestly think the reason that we ended up separating is that we had some financial problems and he wanted me to work full-time while I wanted to go to college (which I'm doing right now.) I also think that the reason he moved her in with him was that he was having problems making his rent and he thought she'd be a benefit financially (the woman is not nearly as pretty as me, and that's honestly not jealousy talking....that's what everyone says who has seen both of us and she's not as smart or as sweet...she's got a very bad temper so I don't know what he could have seen in her except dollar signs.) Anyway, after he moved her in, he got her pregnant (and yes, I was angry with him about this.) However, the entire time he's been with her he's also been with me (he even had me stay with him one night while she was in the hospital with complications due to the pregnancy.) He has said he'll never stop loving me, he talks about their child differently from the way he talked about our children (he always called our children "my son" or "my daughter" or "my little girl" or "my little boy" if he was talking about them with other people....when he talks to me about the new baby, he'll say something like he's busy holding "a baby" right now....I know it's a subtle difference, but I notice it.) Also, he'll call me at times like 10:30 at night and make up some very lame excuse (but I know the truth is that he wanted to make sure that I wasn't out with anyone....if I do have a date, he always wants to know everything about the guy which to me says he's jealous and that he still loves me.) Also, we've been divorced for several months now so I would have thought that if he really wanted to marry her so badly he would have done so by now (and especially that he would have done so before the baby was born.) He told me the other day that he'd like to spend more time with me and see me more often and that he misses me.

One more thing, I know someone said it sounds like he took away my wifely privileges, but in a way it feels like he took away some of the things that I really didn't like having to do/deal with as a wife and I kept a lot of my wifely privileges. (In other words, I can see benefits in this to me....although I don't like having to share him with her.)


Edited 10/22/2003 1:55:45 PM ET by rosesarered23225