Do I Return To Him?
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Do I Return To Him?
| Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:37pm |
I have a bit of a problem.This goes back a 11 years ago when we first meet.We got involed i later learned he was married.I talked to him then briefly about it we had then datedfor almost a year.he wanted to cool things for a while.
Last week i ran into him for the first time in 11 years he came to me and said hello i did'nt even see him any how he gaveme his number.After two long days i called he said he thought i would'nt.Last night we went out and we talked until 4 am . I was in love with this man deeply 11 years ago and i realized last night i still am.
Do i go forward with what i feel and have an affair with him again or do i move on?
I am leery in some ways it was a mutal friend who told me he was married 11 years ago,that was what i was so
angry about that he should have told me.Last night he said your right i should have told you then.He wants me back in his life.
So i return or do i walk away one more time?
Any advice pro or con would help.
Thanks
Last week i ran into him for the first time in 11 years he came to me and said hello i did'nt even see him any how he gaveme his number.After two long days i called he said he thought i would'nt.Last night we went out and we talked until 4 am . I was in love with this man deeply 11 years ago and i realized last night i still am.
Do i go forward with what i feel and have an affair with him again or do i move on?
I am leery in some ways it was a mutal friend who told me he was married 11 years ago,that was what i was so
angry about that he should have told me.Last night he said your right i should have told you then.He wants me back in his life.
So i return or do i walk away one more time?
Any advice pro or con would help.
Thanks

You don't say whether YOU'RE married, but I'm guessing not, since you were upset about finding out that he was. And I hate to say it, but really, only you can say for sure what to do at this point. I'll be glad to share how I decided, though. I very calculatingly drew up a pros and cons list (then burned it before H found it, lol!).
Here are the ones I have:
PROS: (1) Generally speaking, EMAs provide lots and lots of positive feedback, positive selfesteem, and flattery. I felt like the sexiest, most desirable woman in the world when OM was pursuing me. He still gets me to feel that way, because he is so good about telling me how much he likes my legs, hips, *other things* ; that aspect of my marriage went by the wayside 10 years and two children ago. He compliments some things about me that I think my exh also liked, but *never* said. (From my own experience and from what I can tell on this board, lovers in an affair say that stuff a LOT, if for no other reason than by its very nature, there had better be some pretty damn good perks - on both sides, ladies, don't forget to sincerely compliment your man, too! - to choose to continue living this way.) But now, I decided to believe him and now I think that way about myself most of the time. (2) For some, the thrill of the illicit or of being caught is a heady thing. Not an especial turn on for me, but I know some here who like it. (3) Companionship without the headache of a fulltime relationship. Again, not necessarily what I would choose *now*, but it worked for me when I was married and now that I am so involved with him, I'm happy to take what I can get and spend the rest of my time with my kids or with selfish pursuits without fear of him feeling rejected. (4) And a partner to the last pro: I'm learning how to love without losing myself. (5) I've learned how not to take someone forgranted. I never forget that if I don't treat him well, he can always go back home to his g/f or, if she's not doing right by him (which I personally don't think she is, but I'm jaded), he can always find someone else who would. (6) The sex in affairs in general is usually very good, because that's usually a driving force for a lot of A's, so if you're looking to get better than what you've got at home, you're not likely to settle on something less than wonderful.
CON: A lot of people can get hurt, including most likely you. A lot of lifestyle changes may come from this - divorce, etc. And, this can be a crappy way to live. I just lived through him being on vacation to a romantic town with his g/f. I lived in fear every single day that he would wise up, dump me, and take his heart back to her 100%. She's going to be home recovering from surgery for two weeks, and while I am, oddly, concerned for her and would hope that he would take good care of her, still, it's killing me that she has that long of a time to make him see what he's got at home. When I wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night from yet another nightmare - which happens more frequently than I like - he's not there to hold me, nor can I call him to have him calm me. I had a nightmare not long ago that I was attacked and hospitalized, but, in my dream, I couldn't tell him for days because he was home caring for the g/f after her surgery and she might answer the phone. When I woke from that dream, I wasn't able to just reach over and have him hold me until I calmed down. There are lots of times of necessary NC (No Contact) just because of schedules, and that's hard. Others here have had forced NC because of suspicions at home. They've lasted weeks and months. That would kill me.
****Then, of course, there's that underlying thought. That melody that runs as an undercurrent to *everything* you say, think, and do in this relationship - he lives with and loves another woman. No matter what logic tells you about why it is as it is, and no matter if you're able to play the game by the rules 99% of the time, occassionally the thought surfaces and about kills everything good inside of you: he lives with, sleeps with, and *LOVES* another woman. So much so that he won't give her up for you. Again, never mind what the reality of the situation is or even that you may not want that. The knowledge that you aren't 'worth' him offering to chuck it all for a life with you is demoralizing. (Never mind that you might not be able to do it. You want him to want you that much, anyway.)****
As you can see, the rollercoaster of emotions and doubt seem to be more intense than with 'normal' relationships.
In spite of the cons, though, this A of mine has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I am nowhere near the point of exhaustion with it and see it continuuing for the foreseeable future. Good luck with your decision and know that we're here for you.
Lucky
Edited 5/16/2004 4:54 pm ET ET by luckyme814
And also i have run into him before and never said a word to him,i figured if he ever wanted to talk he would come to me and i was right.
My self esteem is just fine thanks.Thanks for your in put i can tell your on the con side of getting involed with him.
F
Just a reminder.