Do I stay in the marraige for my son...
Find a Conversation
Do I stay in the marraige for my son...
| Thu, 08-28-2003 - 9:53am |
I will be 50 when my son is 18! Do I stick it out until then? I don't know if I can handle 15 years in a loveless marraige. I need some advice that I can only get here. I don't want to ruin my sons life by divorcing his father. My husband loves that little guy more than life itself and so do I? Do I sacrifice my happiness to give him a home with 2 parents? If that will make his life better then I would. I just don't know what to do. Please give me your prespective. I know that deep down my husband loves me, he's just not "in-love" with me. We haven't been intimate for at least 6 months. Last night we had the perfect opportunity to be alone (even though I didn't want to ) and he didn't come to bed until way after I was asleep. And as far as my feelings the resentment is setting in. I haven't felt any love or attraction to him in a couple years. My A just started so I really can't base any decision on my OM. Thank you for ANY advice.

Pages
My exh and I divorced in 2001. We separated in 2000 and I was in an apartment with our ds and he had him on weekends. It was very, very, very hard. He too loves our son with everything he has. We were together 10 years and our little guy was 4.
We both moved on our lives with new relationships. I actually moved in with a man and became engaged (he was rushing things and I was looking for the family again.) My ex and I had sexual chemistry issues. As much as we are friends and functioning as a family, there is little passion. We really don't fight much we just weren't doing the "in love" thing.
When I was with the other man (after 1st marriage) we had all the passion I could dream to want. He hugged me, kissed me constantly, we sat and talked, had unbelievable sex. I had no idea I would be able to feel that way (during sex). With my exh, I never experienced that in 10 years.
But, there's always a but. My fiance was not my sons father. He had children (older) and was a father at one time, but not to my son. My son cried for his father more times than I care to remember. I, too missed him when there was a family dinner, or a program on tv, or a special event. This caused me to be depressed at times and even angry. I would cry a lot and start to find things wrong with my fiance because he would say something wrong to my son, or not be sensitive. I pictured going to school functions with my fiance and then seeing my ex. Going to open house at school with both men.
Finally, one day, my fiance had had it with me. He was done with my emotional roller-coaster. Perhaps it was because things were moving too fast. I knew they were, he knew it too, but the passion and love feelings kept us going forward and strong. He told me off in a huge way. I could not even defend myself to his words. He kept it up all day. I mean all day. I was broken down. Later, I picked up my son and he was sleeping at my exh house. It was about 7:00 on a Sunday and he did not want to come with me. As I stood there with my ex and tried to lift him he was fussing and crying, my ex and I were teary-eyed wondering what damage we are doing to our son. I am with someone else and he was dating other women and our son was the pawn.
So, that night at home my fiance was still being a jerk. He actually made some smart-ass comments to my son (not mean) just wrong. I took my son to bed to read a story and we fell asleep. He awoke with a nightmare and started crying for his dad. I cried too and I just realized what I needed to do. My fiance was asleep on the couch (he was doing that alot lately) knowing things were not going well.
I called my ex and let my son talk to him (it was about 12:00 a.m.). He asked how I was and I started to cry. I told him what happened and he said, "come home." He didn't want us to stay another day. So, the next day, I left. I went to work, and went back the weekend later to retrieve all of our belongings. A friend of my exh and him and I moved us out.
Here we are 5 months later, back together. Is it perfect? Hell no. Are we happy? sure. Is our son better off? Definitely. Can we make it work? I think so. Will I ever have the passion for him? Maybe. Do I miss my fiance and the life I was starting? Yes. Do I think of him? All the time.
But, the bottom line for me is I owe my son a family. We brought him into the world and he deserves everthing we can give him.
My ex and I are both working towards the future. He too has made changes that are positive and we are determined to make it. I have absolutely no intentions to leave again. I may be lonely, I miss the man I was engaged too, but, I have to trust my instincts. Something told me to go back. Here I will stay.
Exhaust all efforts before you split because then you can live with that decision.
You never know what your husband is capable of giving unless he is faced with this loss. I learned that.
Good luck to you.
you have to do what makes you happy...how can you make your son happy if your not. kids know. I got married young at 18 at 20 i had my son at 22 i could not take it anymore. it was the hardest decision of my life...my son would see us arguing as much as we did not want to...he was a great father until our divorce he was too into what i was doing and seeing. eventually after a year our divorce was finalized...he disappeared from our lifes...it was the hardest thing ever. so many times i wanted to go back...i felt bad for my son. but i was miserable crying day and night when i was with my ex. eventually i started dating and in a way it was a mistake but a good one...i met another guy who just took me and my son and has just fell in love with my son. y i say its a mistake becuase i was new at dating i had my date pick me up of course my son would be at home with my parents and within time we did things with my boy and joey got attached eventually started calling him daddy and wanting to stay with him. it was hard. i gave in and moved in with him 5 years later i left him. my son just turned eight. i was so unhappy with him as well...and he knew that...i was there for my son. i talked to him and asked him what would happen to my son if i left him. he understood and is my sons father basically. the living close by has helped he got a lease in an apt for 6months to see how things worked...i have never been happier with my life.
my son spends time with him and with me...occassionaly he will ask me y cant dadddy and get back together it hurts me and tears me up inside...and he says he has two homes...im like sweety things happen for a reason...you have two homes and you are very welcomed to be wherever you want whenever you want. see our agreement is where my son is happy most of the time. at first it was hard for me to accept my son preferred him...but as long as he is happy. now my ex is renting a house close by not even 2minutes away and it has worked out good. my son is happy he has friends here and there and he really spends equall time with both of us.
everyone sees me and cant believe how much i have changed...i used to depend on people now im independent and on my own...i have never been happier. my son is happy...i try to make the best of it with him when i can.
i feel bad at times becuase i always wanted a perfect marriage but sometimes it just does not work out. i know if i do my best with my son he will understand in the long run as long as he is loved and not neglected at all.
but one thing...you really have to have a good relationship with ur ex...at first my ex and i fought but i told him we have to be best friends in front of my son.
and now i date actually seeing a MM thats y i am on this board!! but one thing i learned do not bring any men around my son...i would not want to confuse him or give him a wrong idea about me. if i find that one person i want to settle down with then eventuall slowly bring him around my son...but for now no....and thats an agreement my ex and i have.
hope this helped a little....there is hope. and remember you need to be happy with urself before making anyone else happy.
-hugs - sandy
((hugs)) Let us know what you decide to do...but I would think long and hard before deciding anything.
I have been in this situation from all angles. I watched my own Mom turn into a better, happier person when she finally divorced my dad. They did not argue. They existed together under one roof. It was hard to understand at first when they divorced, as we had never seen them arguing. I was only 10. But, I saw it later. I saw how amazingly happy she became. How she was there for us all so much more emotionally. She came alive.
I've seen it for myself. I have 2 young children who adored their dad. Me? I was miserable. I was existing in a marraige trying to make it for the kids. Knowing full well, that if they had never been born I would never be with this man. I have been divorced for 6 months now. And everything is better. I am a much better Mom now. And he is a much better Dad too.
Divorcing your husband will NOT deprive your son of 2 parents. He still has 2 parents that love him insanely. Maybe they won't live under the same roof, but if things are handled well custody situations now are much better. Every other weekend dads are a thing of the past. If both of your goals is still to make your sons life the best, it can be done.
Life is empty without love. I for one do not believe in the "I love them but am not *in love* with them" baloney. You can care about people. But if you are not in love, you are not in love. JMHO.
Do what is best for you and you will be doing what is best for your son in the end. Where are your H's feelings on the matter? Just curious if he knows you are contemplating this at all?
Oh, and welcome to the board!
CFH
I haven't read everyone's reply yet... just thought I'd put a few feelings and thoughts forward about how I feel.
For me... in a sense I do stay for my children... but my marriage, although with quite a few problems isn't as bad as some... and we still get along well and after so many years seem to have finally learnt to communicate... therefore staying for my childrens sake doesn't seem like too much of an effort for me to make.
However... I was a child to a mother that only ever stayed for her childrens sake... wondering whether my mother would ever be happy... I never felt that she had to stay for me and I wonder if it has not had it's efforts on our relationship. I don't turn to my mother like most daughters do and I have sworn that my relationship to my duaghter AND my son... will be different and better.
My mother did leave... after 39 years of marriage... and I felt that she left at the worst time possible... my father was 64 and was and still is pretty much out of the dating game. I felt that she did him a great injustice by staying so long. Sure! he is happy and content knowing that he has his children and has his friends... but I doubt that he will ever experience a relationship ever again.
You need to take a step back and take a good look at your life... look at your options... if you stay for this child and you are never happy... you may unintentionally blame him for making you stay. You need to do what is best for you... I feel that if you are albe to part amically... your son can still enjoy the best of both parents and more.
My brother is married to a woman and they have a 12 yo daughter... she also has a daughter to a previous relationship... they are all still friends... in fact the father of this girl looks after my niece (my brothers child) and I think it's fantastic.
There is always good and bad to every side of the story... but in the end... you must do what will make you happy... all else will follow.
I wish you all the best
luv and hugs
Sweet
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
One of the things that stood out to me in the other replies is that the kids always know. Deep down they can sense the tension and void. To make matters worse they often think it is their fault that Mommy & Daddy don't get along.
There is something else though. Small children learn how to be in relationships with others based on what they see at home. I imagine that you and your husband don't hug and kiss each other anymore. You might not eat dinner together as a family. Do you do things as a family? (zoo, movies....)
What if he grew up to think that is how marriage is? If you are not in a happy, positive partnership, what example are you setting for him?
While this board is helpful, you need to talk to a professional that can give you proper guidance. Preferably a therapist that specializes children of divorce.
Divorce STINKS but so does an unhappy marriage.
Good luck
Pages