Do I stay in the marraige for my son...
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Do I stay in the marraige for my son...
| Thu, 08-28-2003 - 9:53am |
I will be 50 when my son is 18! Do I stick it out until then? I don't know if I can handle 15 years in a loveless marraige. I need some advice that I can only get here. I don't want to ruin my sons life by divorcing his father. My husband loves that little guy more than life itself and so do I? Do I sacrifice my happiness to give him a home with 2 parents? If that will make his life better then I would. I just don't know what to do. Please give me your prespective. I know that deep down my husband loves me, he's just not "in-love" with me. We haven't been intimate for at least 6 months. Last night we had the perfect opportunity to be alone (even though I didn't want to ) and he didn't come to bed until way after I was asleep. And as far as my feelings the resentment is setting in. I haven't felt any love or attraction to him in a couple years. My A just started so I really can't base any decision on my OM. Thank you for ANY advice.

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What is that teaching your son, to grow up in a home with two parents that don't love each other...he will think that is what relationships are all about. As he gets older, he will pick up on the distance between you and H.
Children can be balanced and happy with parents living seperately. It may take some time for your son to adjust, but if you decide you do want to seperate/divorce, then you can both reassure your son you love him, never disrespect each other, and ensure that each parent has as much equal time as possible with your son.
But then, before you make any decisions, maybe you should be open and honest with H and tell him what you are feeling - and listen to what he is feeling - to see if you can work through it. If you two can't talk, seeing a couples/marriage counsellor may help.
Where do you want to be 6 months or a year from now (regardless of *anyone* else)? Do you want to stay as a family unit - if so, then work towards that. If you truly want to seperate/divorce, then work towards that. It isn't whether or not you are married to your son's father that makes you a good mom - it's ensuring you are guiding your child in the right direction, and always with love, that makes you a good mom.
Don't be a martyr for your son - this may sound a bit reckless, but you have to ensure your happiness first. Because if you ain't happy - ain't no one around you gonna be happy. (An aside - did you know *ain't* was added to the dictionary recently?!)
Yes, I'm seperated and divorcing, with children. I think it's been harder on me *anticipating* and *worrying* over how the children will cope, than how they actually have coped. They are doing well, sometimes upset, but they will have a good relationship with both parents, regardless that stbxH and I no longer have a relationship. They will be healthy with the love of both parents and I will be healthy not living my life for my children (don't know about stbxH lol!).
Wishing you peace and happiness,
Meow
Then my H found out about my EMA and confronted me. I told him the truth and why I was going out of the marriage to seek emotional support(My EMA was purely emotional). It was living hell to be in the same house with him for the next few weeks. No, he did not yell or call names or threaten to end our marriage. He was infact very distant and aloof like he always had been, but the air between was heavy with the force of things unsaid between us. When I was just a week away from moving out he confronted me. We faught, talked, yelled and screamed at each other. Finally, he made me stay with the promise to be a better husband and I promised him that I will devote myself to the marriage as well. This was definetly different man who refused to go to couples couselling because HE felt everything was OK with us. Any attempt on my part to talk about our problems was brushed away with a laugh/joke from him. I guess his changed his mind when he realized how close he had coming to loosing me.
Over the last month or so, we have been making some real progress in our marriage. Trying to find our old selves and re-kindle what we had before we started to grow apart. It has not been easy, years of no communication and pent up anger on both parts sometimes makes it difficult, but it has been getting better. Plus the children are happy that we are staying together too. I don't know how long this truce will last, but i am hoping it will for a lifetime.
I guess my point in relating in all this is that, even thogh we feel our M cannot get any better, I am living proof that it can. If you truly want to change and so does your husband, then you can make it happen. It like they say, "If you have the will, you have the way" The will or the choice to stay has to come from you, nobody here can help in deciding that for you. It takes LOADS of hard work and will power to see things through when rebuilding a M and the effort should come from both sides. Only you can decide where you are mentally and physically when it comes to staying or leaving.
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