Do these things ever work out??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Do these things ever work out??
6
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:37pm
I was just wondering... do these things ever work out in our favor??? Do they ever leave?? If anyone knows of a situation where the MM left his W for the girlfriend please let me know. I just want to know if it has always been the sterotyped "he still hasn't left yet" kind of thing. I would like to know if it ever has worked that way. Thank you very much and I appreciate your help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:57pm
I only know of 1 situation where this ever worked out and that was my grandmom and her MM. My grandparents were friends with another couple and my married grandmom and the MM from the other couple had an affair for YEARS. The 2 couples and families were great friends. They went on family vacations and their kids played together. Finally my grandmom's marriage ended and then after that the MM's marriage ended too. Then my grandma married her MM and they lived happily ever after until my grandma passed away. I don't know if I should put that on here b/c I don't want to get your hopes up or anything. A lot of family and friends were hurt in the wake of their actions but in the end they did find happines even though it was a long rocky road to get there. There are photos of my dad as a kid with the kids from my step-grandad and seeing both families together in those pictures and knowing what was really going on is just weird. I probably should not be on this board b/c I ended my A but I just wanted to give you a glimer of hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 4:00pm
Yep, my MM left his first wife for the woman he's married to now. Yeah, I know, he's in a pattern, which is why I'm starting to think I'll just have him as my Boy Toy for a while but not leave H for him. They were together for several years before he finally couldn't take it anymore and just told everyone he was having an A. Stupid move, I think. It would be smarter to just leave your M and be discreet in the EMA for a while, but I guess after a while you just get so darn tired of all the lies. They have a phenomenal marriage, but he's just a horn-dog and seems to enjoy the process of falling in love. That's my take on it anyway. It does happen a lot, actually. If you don't believe it, go to the Betrayed Spouses Support board and read through all the posts from bitter wives whose husbands have left them for other women. They call OWs not-so-nice names, so be warned. I winced a couple of times reading through it, and it all sounds so yucky, so Jerry Springer-like. Think how many men you know who are on their second and third marriages. Do you think all of them met their second wives AFTER they split from their first wives? Granted, a lot did, but there are a lot of instances where a H just "conveniently" marries a woman he's known for years a year or two after his divorce is final. That doesn't guarantee it's going to happen to you. I think eventually my MM will probably be ready to leave, but I'm not sure I will, so I guess that puts me in an odd position compared to a lot of OW. The other day, my friend was talking about a single woman she knew who used to seduced married men into leaving their Ws, but once they'd left, she lost interest. I said, "How would a woman get a man to do that? If he's getting sex from her for free, why would he give up everything to be with her?" My friend and her friend both just laughed and said it's REAL easy to get a man to leave because for a man, it's all about SEX. Good sex will make them give up a whole lot. I don't think that's always the case, but that was their take on it anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 7:32pm
I don't agree, Lilah. I think most men will NOT give up their wife for a mistress with whom they have good sex. I think most women would not either, when push comes to shove. Good sex never really lasts long term, but the security and safety of "the devil you know" is far less likely to fade....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 3:14pm
Yoga - I am intrigued by that last line in your reply...What do you mean by that?

I'd like to throw in my 2 cents here... In my case, I am a single 23 yr old girl dating a Jewish MM 12 yrs my senior. I do not want anyone to be offended by what I'm about to say, but my mom always told me not to get involved w/ a Jewish man (she never said married, b/c thats just common sense) b/c they will only marry Jewish women b/c that's what their mothers want them to do. She continued by saying Jewish men have their sexual liasons w/ Christian women b/c they don't respect them.

Now, I've never been shown an ounce of disrespect by MM, but I've stepped back a few times and looked at the big picture, it IS total and utter disrepect...to me (for not sparing my feelings when he WILL someday be all done w/ me), to his wife for obvious reasons, and to his children. I'm not trying to preach, as I am still involved w/ him, but I still feel contempt toward him for all this.

But in the longrun, I will heed my mother's warnign about this guy...I know he won't leave his wife, a) she's loyal b) she's the mother of his children, and a good one at that and c) there's nothing wrong in the marriage, its just like any other 10-yr old marriage, and he can tell me till he's blue in the face that he loves me, but I know better......

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:20pm
How can you call that "dating"???? Sweetie, you are 23 years old - if you think that sleeping with a married guy = dating, you have a LOT to learn, but thankfully, you have plenty of time in which to learn it. You should get off this sinking ship as soon as possible and go out and find a single guy to DATE - someone who will walk hand in hand with you on the street, someone who is reachable ALL the time by phone, etc., someone who does not lie to be with you. THAT is dating. What you are doing is accepting the dregs, the handouts. You are 23 and single. You have the world at your feet!!! Go get it!!

As for the Jewish thing, I think your mom isi a bit short-sighted. Being JEWISH is not the problem, being MARRIED is. HELLO?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:32pm
My moms mother was actually a widow, and met my moms father who was married at the time. Apparently they had an affair, and he divorced his wife for my grandmother. They stayed married until my grandfather passed away when my mom was eight. My mother just found this all out from a half sister she discovered only two years past. Now my mom and her new sister are really close, although the sisters mom is still very bitter.