Do they ever leave or is it just an act?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Do they ever leave or is it just an act?
25
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:47pm
Just an update since I am not on here that often I am sure that none of you know my situation. My MM and I have been together for about 3 months. 3 wonderful months. We both own our own businesses and have the luxury of being together during the day. It works perfectly. We meet at least 4-5 times a week for coffee or lunch or both and then once a week or so we will grab an afternoon in a local hotel. I love him dearly. He has shown me such unconditional love that I have never received before from my H, friends, or parents. I have always given my love unconditionally but never knew what it was like to receive it this way. MM and I both have had horrible marriages for a long time way before the A ever started. He has 2 teenage children and has always promised to stay until they were grown. I have a small son. (I made the choice about a month ago to introduce my son b/c he is to small to talk to my MM. The bond was so sweet. They played and chased each other around the playground. And my son didn't want to let MM go. Normally my son has nothing to do w/ his dad.)I have been miserable with my H since the day I told I him I was pregnant. We both want to leave our M and be together. We swear we aren't leaving for each other but in reality we probably are. We have two huge factors working against us though. I am 25 and he is more than twice my age. Altough, he has never made me feel like a trophy. We both have a strong faith in God (although you couldn't tell it by our current situation. Thank goodness for God's grace.) but we are of two different donminations. Is it possible to me so different yet so compatible? Is anyone else in a similiar situation? We have never put restrictions on our relationship like dont call me at this time or e-mail me then. I have always been or I feel like I've always been more than an A to him. (Does this make sense?) Our A has always been when you need me, call me, e-mail me, reach out to me, I'll be here. And I can say I have called MM many times after dinner to talk and he has always left his house to comfort me when I am having a rough night or my H is being a jerk again. MM has taken me to his office many times (he works alone) and is always telling me come by whenever you can. No need to call. Everything is fine here. He travels a lot on business and is always talking to me on the phone while he is away. So I know business travel is legit and not some cop out to spend time at home. I actually went w/ him last week when he went out of town. It was great 48 hours together. Total bliss. A touch of how sweet reality would be. He has been talking a lot about leaving but do they ever leave. Is it likely this is just something he is saying? We are so in tune with one another. I am leaving my M regardless, I am just unsure of where to go w/ MM b/c even when I leave he will still be a MM. What should I do? How do you know if saying that I am leaving is a line? I feel like he is going to leave but the part of my brain that I should think with says maybe he isn't. Help me! I need advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:31pm
I don't know about your MM, BUT, if MM's didn't leave their wives for the OW, why there is so much stats thrown around here to prove that these marriages don't last. Something to think about, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:41pm
I am beginning to think that marriages period don't work. I am not so much worried about marriage to my MM. Speaking of stats I would like to know how often a MM says he is leaving his wife and actually does it. I am not so sure that I will be getting married again period but I do want companionship. thanks for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:48pm
I don't think statistics will tell you much in this area. The question is will your MM leave his M and only he knows that. I can't tell you whether or not to believe him because I don't know him. And even if he is telling you the truth today, things could change tomorrow. If you need to know more about his M and his situation at home, ask him. You have a right to know. But either way, if you leave your M, take some time to yourself to get back on your feet. I'm approaching the end of my M and while companionship will be something I need, I want to stand on my own at least for a while first. I especially wouldn't recommend moving in together. You don't want to jump from one relationship to the next without a period of mourning in between. Good luck with everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:35pm
I can't give you an answer on do they ever leave the M but I can give you my opinion on something else you mentioned in your posting. You say you have been involved in this A for 3 wonderful months, and that you are 25 and he is more than twice your age. I lived with my husband for a year and a half before we got married, all the while ignoring everyone who mentioned anything about our age difference. I was 29 he was 42 and we thought we could conquer the world. The only thing I would say to you or anyone in a situation with a large age difference (it doesn't matter if the man or woman is older) is take some time (and maybe 3 months is not enough?)for yourself. Take some time to enjoy yourself and get to know yourself and what you are willing to do and to sacrafice for someone else. Take some time and try to imagine what the future could hold...I am NOT trying to be negative, but I have been in your situation and been married to my H for 12 years, the last 5+ I have been taking care of him like a nurse and mother. We have no type of husband/wife relationship. He has medical problems and is sometimes in a wheelchair. He has no desire to get better because up until the first of this year I was always there, taking care of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE while no one was taking care of me. I have been involved in my A for 8 months and I have not once felt guilty. I just got so tired of having to do everything I needed to do something just for me for once. I am not saying that my situation is everyone else's situation, but with him being more than twice your age you have to realize that his health could and probably will fail before yours. Do you want to spend the rest of your life giving up things you want to do because he can't do them with you or you feel guilty doing things you want while he sits home. When I got married at 29 I was not thinking 10-15 years down the road, as it was it only took about 6 years and I was the major care giver and bread winner. I have spent the last 6 years of my life doing everything for someone else and nothing for me....it is a hard place to be in and I would hate for anyone to go into it without some serious thoughts. With you being only 29 and in this relationship for only 3 months, I just think you both need to take some time and not rush in to anything.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:49pm
Tired Cookie ---- I didn't mention stats to say that you marriage won't work with him, you might very well not want marriage. I mentioned it only because you asked if married people ever leave that why I replied that there are stats that show how such a person leaves his M to go into another and it fails. Hope I med sense now. Good luck with your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 5:27pm
What you are saying is downright scary, Juliet. These stats - just how accurate are they?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 6:18pm

now what's the saying??? there are three types of lies... lies, damned lies and statistics! *lol*


If you scan further down... there is a post that I put up some time again called affairs and statistics... I found it one day while doing a little research.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:44am
Right. I couldn't imagine moving in together at first. I am looking forward to being by myself for a while. It will be nice to have his company but not something I need 24/7. His marriage is horrible. He and his wife speak only if it is about the children. He is only home when his girls are home. Which being teenagers, they are home hardly at all. He tried talking to his W the other day about their situation to get a better idea where they were headed. She started having a huge mad fight on how he doesn't understand her. He said that after 3 days of fighting and talking they went back to ignoring each other. He says he is finished with the M and continues to stay right now b/c he has children. But now that they are grown it's easier to leave his W. According to him, until he and I became involved he hadn't had sex in almost 2 years. And the last time they did he was drunk. I can't even imagine! Thanks for the support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:52am
Scary?? Why indeed Mr.Boston??? I wasn't saying anything anything here to upset you!! You'll be fine, I can tell. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:54am
Oh my gosh! I have so much to think about that had only slightly occured to me. I never considered that if he left he might not want to be with me or might not end up with me. Ouch! That hurts! I only want him loving me. I have considered over and over again the age differnce and medical care he will require. He and I have actually talked about that. I, however, bring my own medical issues into the picture. NOW! And I bring a son w/ medical issues into the picture. Thank you guys so much for the input. I will keep everyone posted!

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