Do they ever leave or is it just an act?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Do they ever leave or is it just an act?
25
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:47pm
Just an update since I am not on here that often I am sure that none of you know my situation. My MM and I have been together for about 3 months. 3 wonderful months. We both own our own businesses and have the luxury of being together during the day. It works perfectly. We meet at least 4-5 times a week for coffee or lunch or both and then once a week or so we will grab an afternoon in a local hotel. I love him dearly. He has shown me such unconditional love that I have never received before from my H, friends, or parents. I have always given my love unconditionally but never knew what it was like to receive it this way. MM and I both have had horrible marriages for a long time way before the A ever started. He has 2 teenage children and has always promised to stay until they were grown. I have a small son. (I made the choice about a month ago to introduce my son b/c he is to small to talk to my MM. The bond was so sweet. They played and chased each other around the playground. And my son didn't want to let MM go. Normally my son has nothing to do w/ his dad.)I have been miserable with my H since the day I told I him I was pregnant. We both want to leave our M and be together. We swear we aren't leaving for each other but in reality we probably are. We have two huge factors working against us though. I am 25 and he is more than twice my age. Altough, he has never made me feel like a trophy. We both have a strong faith in God (although you couldn't tell it by our current situation. Thank goodness for God's grace.) but we are of two different donminations. Is it possible to me so different yet so compatible? Is anyone else in a similiar situation? We have never put restrictions on our relationship like dont call me at this time or e-mail me then. I have always been or I feel like I've always been more than an A to him. (Does this make sense?) Our A has always been when you need me, call me, e-mail me, reach out to me, I'll be here. And I can say I have called MM many times after dinner to talk and he has always left his house to comfort me when I am having a rough night or my H is being a jerk again. MM has taken me to his office many times (he works alone) and is always telling me come by whenever you can. No need to call. Everything is fine here. He travels a lot on business and is always talking to me on the phone while he is away. So I know business travel is legit and not some cop out to spend time at home. I actually went w/ him last week when he went out of town. It was great 48 hours together. Total bliss. A touch of how sweet reality would be. He has been talking a lot about leaving but do they ever leave. Is it likely this is just something he is saying? We are so in tune with one another. I am leaving my M regardless, I am just unsure of where to go w/ MM b/c even when I leave he will still be a MM. What should I do? How do you know if saying that I am leaving is a line? I feel like he is going to leave but the part of my brain that I should think with says maybe he isn't. Help me! I need advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:09am
Thanks, hon.

But just take a look at this:

Over 75% of those who do divorce and marry their lover divorce again

Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an affair are sorry later

Scares the daylight out of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:24am
What if your desire to get divorced happened way before the affair? And what about like going from your H home to your own home. Then dating the person you are having a A. Do the statistics still count? It is so scary! Makes me want to vomit. I want to beat the odds that's why I am asking all these questions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:30am
Hey Boston,

I think those who regret it are ones who never gave their marriage a real try once more to see if can be improved. They just jump into conclusion that everything and anything should be wrong with their marriage and end up in a divorce. Sometimes being in an affair clouds their judgement. If you have given it a lot of thought and time to the marriage, I mean and still see there is something that can't be fixed it that time you give up on it. If it doesn't meet your important needs which includes emotional needs its time to quit. You try out all avenues and still can't get it going you'll know its time to quit. I know somebody who gave me this advice and he was in an affair before. And he married his OW too, and lived "happily ever after" so as to speak..

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:35am
Juliet

You have just given me so much hope! The situation you described is me! My emotional needs are not being met in my M. I have been unhappily married for 2 years and in my A for 3 months. I am not considering divorce b/c of the OM. It makes it easier to leave but I am not leaving for him. I want to be live alone for a bit. Enjoy my son, smell the roses, etc. Thanks for your input

TiredCookie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:22am
Still I should have never read those stats. I was totally unprepared for this.

Just to think of a possibility of her having regrets and resenting me sometime down the road...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:26am
.


Edited 4/27/2004 10:30 am ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:37am
No, I most certainly did not. Thanks, Juliet. What you say makes perfect sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:38am
Hi everyone, I don't like to think of myself as a statistic. Although I am D one time, on H #2 now. And if things don't improve, he may be history too. If I left H, I would probably want MM even more than I do now, and that would hurt too much, because he's never made any mention of leaving his W.

I think everyone should take themselves as the person they are and forget about those statistics. You know yourself and the other person you are involved with. Will you make it together? Only you know.

If I am truly honest with myself, I knew almost from the start about the problems that H #2 and I would have. And that there was a chance it wouldn't work between us.

If there ever is a #3, I'm going to try and make sure we are really compatable and on the same page, before I make another life changing decision.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:52am
Yeah, that's what I thought. Helping her when she is going through divorce is different, from actually asking her to leave outright because she loves you. Its helping someone who probably doesn't have a lot of people in this country to help - emotionally or otherwise. There is a difference in that, although many might not agree to what I say. Good Luck with your situation. Its like "we all need somebody to lean on" song. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 1:34pm
Stats are scary for anything but on the positive side there are 20% that stay happily married. My father had an A and they have been married for almost 20 years and still act like teenagers. My grandmother had an A and they were married for 40 years so I guess my family gets things right the second time round. I think stats are just what you make of them..every situation and every A is different, My MM and I have discussed in depth for about 3 years what we want out of our relationship with each other, what is wrong with our current M and the faults that we played in them as well as our H/W and learning from those mistakes. We are slowly getting to the point of leaving our H/W not for each other, but for how we deserve to feel and how we deserve to be happy. We both are very candid about if we can't be together than we at least know what to look for and how we're suppose to feel in the next R. My personal belief is when/if you leave your M, then take some time , grieve the past R then get yourself grounded get some inner peace and learn what you need and deserve by yourself, then if the other person is available and willing to take one day go for it. Best of luck to you.