Do you ever......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Do you ever......
6
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:10pm
have moments when you just want to stop the thing? I just wish I didn't have to see him everyday. Right now I'm feeling as though I should just end this "thing". Just never have that type of interaction w/him ever again. I have other responsibilities and now I feel as though I'm spending too much time and energy on MM(in both thought and deeds). I think of MM more than I should and I really hate that. I'm usually a person in control of my thought life, but now I feel totally out of control. I have so many other things that could occupy my thoughts, but instead he does. I wish I'd NEVER met him. I'm in my office w/the door locked because I'm trying to avoid him. That is so hard to do being that I have to pass his office to go ANYWHERE.

I'm still having moments when I fight it because I really don't want to get hurt. Right now I'm having one of those moments. Part of me wants to go over there and strike up a conversation, another part wants to go give him a big kiss, and still another part wants to just stay over here totally avoid him altogether(be a good girl) and hope that we can just have a cordial professional relationship.

I need to be working instead of using my brain power on him and this board. See what a man can do to a woman when she lets him. He has no clue what I'm doing or how I'm currently feeling. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but...I really don't like it. How do I get over it? Is it easy to end the thing at this stage I'm in? I mean can I just stop having any type of relationship w/him cold turkey and still work w/him?

I feel so crazy right now....

I'm just venting. I'm going back to work now. I'm glad this board is here. Really.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:20pm
Hisgoodgirl,

Today has been a quiet day for me, I have been able to do what I want which is research, and catch up on emails and posts on here. Today I was posting, and talking to a few women and thinking "wow, today i seem so sensible and yet the other day I was falling apart".

Its a definate rollercoaster ride and some days I wish I could just get off. I am fortunate in the fact that the relationship with MM is extremely positive and supportive and our friendship comes first. But where I sometimes find it difficult to handle, he doesn't. There are days when I just don't want to talk, I want to just be left alone. And he sometimes thinks that that response is reflecting on how I feel about him, when its not.

Then there are days when I will do whatever I can just too see him even if only for a brief moment.

You asked..........How do I get over it? Is it easy to end the thing at this stage I'm in? I mean can I just stop having any type of relationship w/him cold turkey and still work w/him?

You can get over it, and it will never be easy to end and only you can decide whether you want to or not.

I know there are days I ask myself that question, but once I calm down, I realize I am frustrated with the situation at times, but not MM or our relationship and I don't want it to end.

Don't know how much I helped, but just wanted to say HEY, welcome aboard the roller coaster!

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 3:37pm
Thanks Sweet

I like rollercoasters!! When they're at a theme park. At least there you know when it's going to stop and you can get off easily.

My relationship w/MM is positive and we're definitely friends first. I guess I'm having a hard time with the fact that yesterday he just HAD to have me near him and today I want to be near him but I don't want to be near him. I know that sounds stupid. I want to be near him, but I have other things I MUST get done and I'm angry at myself for allowing him to occupy my thoughts while I'm trying to avoid him so I can be productive. I hope you get that.

going back 2 work

l8r

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 4:08pm
I can totally relate MM and I had this discussion this past weekend. I bang myself up if not everything is done the way I prefer, and sometimes I find myself putting little things aside so that I can talk to him, or daydreaming at a meeting when I should stay focused. Perhaps you should talk to him. I was nervous about talking to MM about it, but then once I did he understood where I was coming from.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 4:21pm
Why should I talk to him? There's nothing he can do. He knows that I love and cherish time alone with just myself. He knows my locking of the door means I want to be left alone.

You're right. Maybe I should talk w/him about it. It might even help me.

Thanks Sweet.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 4:25pm
I hate rollercoasters. They make me throw up.

I can relate to your post. It's more difficult when you work together (I would think), although there is always convenient internet-related means of communicating with MM to distract you even when you don't.

You're going to have days like this, but you DO have control of when you want to get off. It might be a painful exit, but you do have control.

The rollercoaster ride is much less of an issue for me now that I'm 'on down the road' in terms of longevity in this A. Things have stabilized and we've been on a straight and even portion of the track for years now. It's a lot rockier in the beginning, too, when all the 'high flyin' hormones are out of control. When you get used to it a little more, things start to even out.

Let me know if you need me to prescribe an antiemetic for the ride... :) Kidding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 4:25pm
Oh absolutely I understand. I had a lot of conflict in the first few months, and I still do from time to time. I think I mentioned that under another thread earlier this week. In my case, it is mostly about wanting my life to be the open book it was before this A started - to be completely right before God. As much as I'd like to, even I am not talented enough to convince myself that this relationship is OK with God. OTOH... I can't completely convince myself that it's not.

I only told OM about this internal struggle recently, though. Not because I was afraid he'd get frightened or something like that - it was because staying or leaving the relationship is a decision *I* would have to make. Throwing the burden on him would be unfair. This is my own thing to deal with, and no one else can make the decision for me.

I also understand the feeling that agonizing over it takes up too much of your life. That part passed, for me, after a few months. I also learned to set clearer boundaries, for myself and him. It's the only way I can keep my sanity - just as I don't let my family take over my life at work, I can't let OM take over either my work *or* family life.