I was wondering if you ever felt guilty about your affair. I've been married for 12 yrs. and just started an affair with OM about a month or so ago. (well, the physical aspect of it). I think we've been going back and forth for a couple of years. I never would have started this affair if he didn't make it so easy. The thing is, I don't feel guilty in the least about it. Most of the time my H is still up when I come home from being with OM. We talk just like usual and he has no clue. I even have this feeling that I deserve this A. I have never enjoyed sex the way I do with OM. He also likes to cuddle. We also have a lot in common and come from basically the same types of backgrounds. He knows what it's like to grow up in a single parent home and all that goes with that. I don't think my H understands what I've gone through. He knows everything that's happened to me, but he more or less thinks it is in the past, get over it. It's not that easy.
Don't get me wrong. My H and I are good friends. And to tell you the truth, if we could stay that way, raise the kids and not be intimate, that would be great. When we got engaged, I was always hoping someone would talk me out of it. Say he wasn't the one. I guess I should have listened to my gut and not married him. We haven't been miserable, but something just is not there for me. That is why I am with OM. He is all those other things my H is not, plus he actually turns me on. Even in the early stages of dating with my H, I never had that physical reaction I have with OM. I guess I am wondering if I should be feeling guilty. I believe if my H found out and confronted me, I would only feel guilty for hurting him, but not for what I've done. Does this make sense? or am I just a looney?
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Like you, I feel I deserve this A. And while I can feel guilt at the drop of a hat about most things. I feel zero guilt about this A. Then again, I don't lie to my kids about where I am or take time away from them to see my MM. No guilt about having an A while married either, since the way I look at it, if he did his job as a husband, or showed me even the smallest measure of kindness during our marriage, I wouldn't be with another MM.
Besides growing up in a single parent home, everything you wrote was me. Only I was dumb enough after actually breaking off the engagement for a year, I went back to him! You would think there must have been something there then. Well there was..... when I was 21!! The only thing about it was I, like you, never had that sexual spark for my H. I don't know why, he isn't a bad looking man. Has a pretty nice body too (when he is slim) but I just have never had the butterflies in my stomach like I do with MM.
Now at 43 I am and have been for the last ten years at least a different person. I want a partner, not another son. I long, after 20+ years of taking care of everyone, for someone to take care of me! Someone else to be the one who looks after our finances, including doing something about our future finances. My H has had wonderful opportunities to build up his 401K's at the various co.'s he has worked for (he like to co. hop) but instead cashed them in over my protests. He has talked a big talk since we were dating about how he wants his own business, yet when given the prime chance, ran scared. I have paid the monthly bills - always, I have done the taxes - always, I have bought and negotiated the sale and purchase or our homes - always. I have also had to give 100% in this marriage because he didn't care to bond with me or really anyone else... so I am emotionally exhausted as well. I told him one night last December about all this (same day mm ended our r for what turned out to be only a 6 week split) and he has made himself the focus of the attention. He on one hand is trying but is an emotional wreck that he now expects me to hold his hand. It has become an emotional roller coaster with him, like I need that with an EMA!
MM is fearless when it comes to business. He works 15 hrs a day trying to build a future . HE does the taxes...HE pays the bills, HE buys the houses... OH and I forgot, H also informed he has kept me from advancing carreer wise because he didn't want me to find someone better and leave him.... MM would never hold me down. MM is a breath of fresh air so NO I don't feel at all guilty!
And believe it or not up until I found MM I was not "miserable" either...I just wasnt happy...sad thing was I didn't really even realize it
dd
Especially the "I would only feel guilty for hurting him, but not for what I've done." In my case it would be a her, but same concept.
Actually, I feel guilty about "not feeling guilty.."
It's sad actually, but very true...
Cassy
Actually, I don't think its ok to not feel guilty...like many of you, my EMA is a situation I never thought I would have been in.. but I am.. Believe me, when MM and I started I was acting like a child..but once I gave into my feelings, I cried once and that was it.. I feel more guilt about me not feeling guilty.
My MM feels the guilt though. More than I do.. he is married for over 23 years and I am married for 10. He has kids, which is a big part of it and I don't have any.. so I think having kids makes it a little worse..
Cassy
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