Do you feel guilty about the BS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Do you feel guilty about the BS?
24
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 1:40am

Just a question I was pondering today - do you all feel guilty about the potential pain you could cause your AP's spouse?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 2:35am
what does BS stand for? i feel incredibly guilty about pursing this type of situation given i was married in the catholic church, i pray to god, am active in a christian lifestyle and have to send my husband off every day to work as if we are perfect. that alone eats me up inside to a level i can not even explain. i wish i were more sociopathic sometimes! honestly, i do not have the emotional energy to worry about my APs spouse. if he is discovered then he screwed up, and we are DOne - i will not be a part of that. and besides, who knows how the AP spouse will react, maybe she will be relieved? maybe she is lesbian? maybe she is having/had her own A in the past? maybe she is so satisfied at her lifestyle that she couldn't give a rat's batooty about it anyway. her issues and potential reaction
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 9:08am

I do not feel guilty for AP's wife. I didn't make AP's decisions for him, they are all his. I didn't chase, seduce or stalk him. We met pretty much on equal ground. I do not have a responsibility to her, if she ever discovered the A, well then that's my AP's issue to handle. I will not be talking to her, I wouldn't be able to help her anyway.

Now of course I would not want her to find out, I realize that she is human. I do not wish her any ill will or harm. What little I know about her, I probably would like her.

Of course I would feel bad if my husband found out, I already feel that I'm solely responsible for his financial, emotional, and mental well being. I had a thought the other day, I dont think I could leave H if I wanted to, he would be completely lost, I dont think he could stand on his own two feet. His parents are deceased and he does not talk to his sibling....so his family is my family. I cant take that away from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 9:20am

I am sorry that my relationship with AP has caused BS pain, but I do not feel guilty at all. There were serious issues in the marriage, and AP and BS are responsible for those problems, not I.

From everything AP has said, I believe she took him for granted and let the marriage suffer from benign neglect. All of her family commented to him that they felt sorry for him, for the way she treated him. She couldn't possibly be that clueless and think that her husband would put up with that forever and ever. He was making moves toward leaving her. I'm sorry that she found out about us before that happened.

He should have done a whole lot better job communicating with her, that is for certain. But there are two people in a relationship and if you are in-tune with each other, you know when something is wrong even if your partner does not express it. And you don't let that go. You work at it until you can get the line of communication going. In his case, when he finally began to express himself, she didn't take it seriously and blew it off. It was only when d-Day happened that suddenly these issues were important, and, in her opinion, those issues are fabricated and put in his head by me. So she still has her head in the sand.

So no, I don't feel guilty. I didn't do anything to her. He did it to her. We are not friends, and I never made her any promises.

EDITED To ADD: I have read the BS board. I feel sorry for the BS pain. I think we all have suffered through this. However, I do see a trend with most BS that the OW was the problem, and I haven't seen a whole lot of introspection on what they did to contribute to the conditions of the marriage to create an A. They would rather direct their tongue lashing at the AP. The other thing that seems to be a universal thought is that we are all in a fantasy world and that our relationship was never real. Do they really believe that? Witnesses of my A at work would beg to disagree about that.




Edited 7/31/2010 9:25 am ET by goddess_artemis
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 10:14am

I feel guilty about both my W and her H, that goes without saying, and I know she is the same way, though we don't talk about this too often.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 3:05pm
I feel guilty.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Sat, 07-31-2010 - 3:54pm
I do not feel any guilt over BS (betrayed spouse), that is AP job to feel guilt about having this A. I do not know her, although from what he tells me she has a good life. He works like a dog to keep their high end lifestyle while she enjoys the fruits of his labor, while staying at home. Their kids are grown-up. Good for her, but I do not feel sorry for her. My guilt is over my relationship with H, and betrayal of that relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2010
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 10:48am

No...I've never really felt guilty. And I'm not a cold hearted person!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 11:39am

Artemis, I agree with what you said.

MASAlterego


www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 11:59am
So you are with your AP? What happened after your dday? I'm 2 weeks into it, with already a on/off break in NC. I don't expect it to last, but I will enforce NC for awhile till AP gets his head together a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 10:20pm

Artemis,


AP's then-W tried to beat him into submission after D-day.

MASAlterego


www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com

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