Do you talk about the DW or DH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Do you talk about the DW or DH?
16
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 5:50pm

Hello everyone...

I've been lurking for awhile, but I need some advice, as I'm finding it difficult to compartmentalize this whole A thing sometimes. My A partner and I try to be open and honest about everything, communication is VERY important to me, as it's the main ingredient missing in my marriage, and he feels the same....Well, this means we talk about EVERYTHING....and well, sometimes I can't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous and sad! I love my AP, and he feels the same, but how are you supposed to LOVE sharing this person?

He's in a situation right now where his W desperately wants to have another baby. He definitely does NOT, and has clearly conveyed this to her. She went behind his back and got a prescription for IVF drugs, told him after the fact, and has been trying to get him to sleep with her, which he will not do, mainly because he knows that she's only asking, or initiating, because she wants to have a child. Most of their marital problems involve her lack of interest in him sexually, so for her to start now is making him feel that she's only viewing him clinically, etc. Anyway, the whole point of this post is how I've been feeling about listening and sharing all of this with him, it's very, very hard for me. I'd LOVE nothing more than for him to NEVER have sex with her again, and to hear that she's been asking for it is a little upsetting to me. Knowing that they have been having all of these heart to heart talks about adding to their family is hard for me. Knowing that they've been discussing their M and how bringing another child into the mix wouldn't be good unless they work on "them" is hard to hear. Knowing that they are discussing working on "them" is very hard, even though I love him and want him to be happy, I'd really rather I be the one to make him happy! We've discussed "us" to great length, and I know that he will not leave his W due to their daughter (she's 5), and I can't leave my M due to children and financial ties, etc....and it's taken me a year and a half of the ups and downs of the roller-coaster to finally have it sink in that "we" can never be. So I'm working on trying to accept that fact, and take what I can have of him, but it's SO hard to do when I'd love nothing else than to have more.....

So, basically, I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation, in love with a man that they have to share, and how you deal with being a supportive and caring AP when at times it tears you apart? I've talked about this with him in the past, and he gets very upset that he "upsets" me or makes me feel uncomfortable for being honest and open with me. Sometimes he tells me that maybe he's too open and shouldn't tell me everything if it's going to hurt me, but I don't want him hiding anything from me either...ugh, there's just no happy medium here. Sometimes I get angry at him for feeling that way, but he's right. He's either open and completely honest with me, as I've asked him to be. Or, he hides things from me that he knows will hurt me......

Any suggestions??? Comments?

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:51pm

I thought it was bad that my AP told me some nice things about his W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 3:08am

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 6:15am
Thank you both...lannmann, Jan 3rd or March 1st???
I know he's just being open and I know I have asked for it, its just not easy for me. I've tried to leave a few times now because I know its not ever really going anywhere, but I keep going back for more! I guess i was looking for a "magic" answer, one where someone was able to get over the emotional hurts and be happy in an affair, but the longer I go on the more i realise that I'm just capable of that.

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 6:16am
Should say "not" capable ...

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 7:54am
Your affair, will go through cycles. You will find peace with it and feel like your settling in, then some longing will push you to look for more. Even though you know there is no where for your relationship to go, it is hard not to wish for it. I can imagine how much some of the things your AP tells you hurts. You are fulfilling his needs, you are giving him an emotional home. Keep the honesty going and deal with each thing as comes. Perspective is hard to find when emotions are involved. You have no choice but to share him, the best you can do is be there for him. But don't loose track of yourself and your needs. I don't think closing the honesty door will make things better, I think it would leave you feeling in the dark. Good luck, big hugs.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 3:18pm

Personally, I don't think that loving your AP means that you should share EVERYTHING. In a formal R, you normally would, and even then, not everybody shares their deepest thoughts/desires in order not to hurt their partner. For example, not many people would admit feeling attracted to someone else, right ?

I'm in the same situation, i.e. I'd love to be with my AP in real life.

My AP knows that I want NOTHING to know about his W. Maybe some neutral thing, but absolutely nothing about their feelings. I mean he told me that he loved her, that's all I needed to know. I don't need everyday details. It's obvious that they have sex, I don't need him to talk to me about it. Up until now, he's been long distance with her, but she just arrived to be with him, so for sure there will be more things, but I know that anything that makes me jealous will have to be avoided. Otherwise, I would break-up, because I know that I won't be able to stand it.

I tried being supportive with him, going shopping with him to buy things for his appartment, right before the W arrived. I was bleeding inside !

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 4:28pm

Sireanita makes a good point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 2:52pm
Bk27426, oh I really can￱'t ￱believe you meant what u said above. You wish he never has sex with his wife & that the thought of ￱them having a kid upsets you ? So you wish ￱ap's wife as she is married to him remain childless ? Also you said you will be happy if her M never ￱improves? just want to ask ￱What exactly has sh￱e done to you￱ that￱ ￱caused you to feel that wäy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2011
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 2:11pm

We do talk about the other person to each other. At times it isn't easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2012
Sun, 04-08-2012 - 10:58pm

My ap has become my best friend. We talk about everything and yes sometimes the details eat me up inside. I have to admit though my ap and his w just separated and I tried to help him win her back.She left for another man but she still hasn't found out, and hopefully wont about us. Nothing worked she filed for a d. I know it seems weird to help him but A I don't think we would be together anyway and B if he is not with her but finds someone new where does that leave me?.

I wish I could tell you how to not get upset but I'm afraid that's just part of the open communication. :(

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