Do You Think He Has Feelings For Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Do You Think He Has Feelings For Me?
5
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 3:40pm
Okay, here it goes....

I don't really know how he feels for me. My OM, which is unattached unlike me (have serious b/f) He is hot and cold with me. We have a great time together and then its like he pushes me away for a few days until he finally calls or text messages me or I see him at work.

My gut feeling tells me that he does care for me in some way. I saw him on Saturday when he had some friends over (co-workers of both of us) and I thought we had a good time. I text messaged him on MOnday, and just said good morning. I never received a response. So yesterday, I text messaged him, that I was thinking about him. Which is way beyond what I normally would do. We have not had any kind of talk about the way we feel for each other. Say, I thought it was pretty daring on my part. This has been going on for a little over a month. I didn't get any response. Now, I have to see him tonight at work, and I feel really weird about it.

Please let me know what you guys think of this situation. No sugarcoating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 3:57pm
It's hard to say what someone's feelings for you are just from reading a short description of a few days' behavior on a message board. You're the one who's there, who sees him day to day, who sees the gleam in his eye when he looks at you. He may have a perfectly good reason for not responding. Maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's having an attack of the guilts. Or maybe he's just being a "guy." I've mentioned this before, but the theory behind the whole "Men Are From Mars" phenomenon is that men "rubber band" when they're falling in love. They get a certain amount of closeness for you and it freaks them out, so they have to go away to assert their independence. That may mean spending time with friends or "going into their caves," where they just hole up and don't talk to anyone outside of what they have to do for a few days or however long. The theory is that, like a rubber band, each time they go away and come back to you again, they are stronger and eventually they're full-out in love. That doesn't mean they don't ever have to go away again. It's supposedly a natural instinct for them to assert their independence from you by spending time away from you. Supposedly they need an opportunity to "miss you" and if you don't allow it every so often, they'll feel suffocated. I always tend to give MM his space when he gets like this, but I've found that drives him crazy because he loves attention. The second I stop paying attention he's calling and wanting to know why I'm giving him the cold shoulder. But if I do the opposite and chase after him, he doesn't like that either, so I've gotten to where I have no idea what to do! I may have massacred the whole "Men Are From Mars" explanation -- it's been a while since I've read it -- but that was what I gathered from it. And the book does say not all men are like this. It depends how much female influence they had in their younger lives and other things factor into it too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 4:05pm
I think you've hit the nail on the head Lilah! Thank you so much! The rubberband theory makes a lot of sense. In fact, last week he started acting kinda like this, and so I just ignored it, went on with what I was doing...and when I saw him on Saturday night at work we flirted and had fun, but in no way did I ask him if he wanted to do something or hang out. I got off work first...then a few hours later I got a text message from him.

I know that I am dreading seeing him tonight...but if it is indeed the rubberband theory that my OM is going through then I guess I just have to play it cool....and act like nothing happened!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 4:25pm
Well, I'll further it then and say that the Dr. who wrote the book says the best thing to do during that time is to occupy yourself and let him have his time. If you try to stop him from going away from you and collecting himself, it will only delay the process. He'll come back faster and stronger. Just let him have his space. Try looking your absolute best and ignoring him. Be distantly polite. Let him wonder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 4:43pm
Lilah, You Rock! I was dreading seeing him, but now I am kinda excited. Hopefully he doesn't get called off tonight, then it would be no fun. My best friend works there too, and can keep an eye on him. She says that he is always staring at me every chance he gets, but we'll see about that tonight!

I guess it is really true that guys like it when women play hard to get....either way I will find out what his intentions are tonight. I will be distantly polite...and not flirty! Two can play this game!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 4:14pm
So how did it go? I'm anxious to hear. About five weeks ago, there was a day MM gave me a really hard day. It was the closest I've ever come to crying in front of him. He didn't call when he was supposed to and when he did, I asked why he'd been avoiding me and he said he couldn't talk because ears were all around, but he'd find a private phone and call me right back. He never did. Something like three hours went by without a word. I was so tied in knots... Finally he did call and was saying he couldn't come to see me because there were rumors about us and we should "cool it" for a while. He was so distant that day. I was really hurting. So I knew the next morning (Saturday) I'd see him at the gym and I resolved to fix my hair really nice, wear my sexiest outfit, and ignore the heck out of him. I could tell even when I was there that it was working. I'd risk a glance every now and then and he was severely irritated. The next Monday morning he called the second he got to work and was really hurt and angry about me having given him the "cold shoulder" at the gym. Now, that's not to say that it stopped him from needing his time off. He still needed that, but he wasn't as easily able to avoid me as he would have been. I know a lot of people don't advocate games, but I think I do it more to protect myself than to manipulate him. It helps me feel more in control. It sure beats sitting around making myself sick over why he's treating me this way.