Do you think I love AP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Do you think I love AP?
14
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 3:07pm

I was discussing what love is on another post, and it made me realize that I have no idea at all if I love my AP.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 3:48pm

Strictly speaking from a dictionary def:


Love - a powerful emotion felt for another person manifesting itself in deep affection, devotion or sexual desire.


We can love all sorts of people in lives for a host of different reasons. And I know you're asking given MY view of love, do you love him? Even with everything I know, I still say, I don't know :) Given the above def...I'd give it a def maybe LOL!


The bigger question: Whatever it is you feel, what do you do with it? I read something pretty interesting this week about how we'll go through life having feelings or being attracted to another . . . perfectly normal. The key is in what we decide to do w/ those emotions. The "proper" or "moral" (and please, everyone know that I get that it's relative based on a variety of factors) thing is to "not nurture" those feelings if we are committed to another

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 3:54pm

I can't comment on if you love someone or not. So I'll explain my thoughts.

I do not love my AP. I like my AP, I have a crush on my AP, I lust for AP. I crave AP. I love my H. My H is a good man (for the most part), we are just having a hell of a hard time that is not getting any better. But, that isn't my fault. He knows our issues, he chooses not to make an effort to fix these issues, no matter how much I try and put forth.

AP is simply a distraction from my everyday life. He provides me an out to a life that I am not currently happy in. I don't ever want to be with him. Our life situations are completely different and we could never mesh our lives together. We both know this. While I feel for him, I am not in love with him, nor will I be absolutely devastated when (I say when, because the reality of the situation is, it WILL) it ends. I am good at not letting emotions overcome me. I am able to keep my feelings for AP at bay, not allow myself to get that wrapped up in him. When things are good, their great. But when they get "slow" (as in contact) then I just don't deal - I shut it all out. I can shut down that it does not hurt me. Does it drive me absolutely nuts, yes, but it doesn't hurt.

I can separate my feelings for two people. I assume I could love two people at one time if I allowed myself to feel that way, but I won't. I love my H dearly, he is a provider, a good man, and a great life companion. Things work for us in a sense that everyday life is good if we don't get into the deep stuff or ask much of each other. We live very independent lives, he does his own thing, I do mine. I can't really explain mine and H's relationship. His actions drive me nuts, but I don't see a life without him the near future. But I also don't ever foresee a life with AP, nor do I want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 3:42am

It might be worth reading Scott Pecks 'the Road less Travelled' and in particular the chapter on being in love. He maintains that everyone falls out of love in time if put with the person they desire. The question then arises as to whether there is something deeper left behind.


He says that one can only be 'in love' if there is a sexual element. So there really is no getting away from it. Being 'in love' invariably involves lust, whichdoes not sound quite so romantic i know.


True love I have heard defined as an act of giving aimed at the spiritual development of the other.


What would be the most loving thing to do for your AP , on that definition?


Is the A bringing him closer to God/ Higher Power?


Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 5:03am
for me: i love the time i get to spend with AP, i love the way he makes me feel when we are together. i love hearing his voice. do i want to tell him i love him? no, not really b/c we don't actually get to be real with each other regulalry enough to say something so meaningful. do i lust him? oh yes! do i want him? definitely!! i tell him i miss him, i tell him i want him. honestly, i do not have
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:06am
Lust and love are definately two different things. I have really learned that in my A. But I started out my A loving AP. I think the two can co-exist to some extent. I love AP as a friend (brotherly love), but the sexual aspect of our R has been more about lust. AP has been my distraction, and like Marie, I compartmentalize AP into just that. A distraction. I love H, and have no intention of leaving our M for AP. Too many qualities about AP that I could not live with in a committed R. My A will have an expiration date. Though I can't say it won't hurt at all, I will not be devastated. This is only because I have not invested more of myself into the A. I savor the moments it brings me and then leave it at that. No texts or emails or calls from AP does not leave me an emotional wreck.
I guess the love level depends on what we invest into the A and how much we expect from it. But
since A-land is a land of lies and distraction, what could we possibly expect from it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 12:54pm
Excellent post hiskimber
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 3:34pm
Thank you, sir :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 8:28am

There's a huge discussion on "All Sides" about love, what it is, and if it's even possible to have true love for an affair partner.

If defined as an "emotion" or "feeling", like Kimber's dictionary definition, then most of us in an A do love our APs. If you have to have "desire" along with the emotion for it to be considered "in love" rather than just "love", then again most of us are "in love" with our APs. But robspierre touched on something no one else has. There is a "grander", broader definition of love - love as a VERB, or as an ACTION rather than a feeling. Love wanting to lead the object of love to a higher place. Firstly, putting the loved ones welfare above one's own, in a godly sense. Think about it. If you think of love in this sense, then we can't love our APs, because we are not elevating them in a spiritual sense, but pulling them down. We are helping them to go beyond their moral boundaries in some cases, tempting them to put their own desires above their family's welfare. If they are single, we are keeping them from living a full life by tying them to us. If they are married, we are helping them to deceive their families, taking time from their children (even if the time is only time spent thinking about us when they should be concentrating on their children).

It's sort of like - you are with a good friend who you love, who has always shown honesty. You say - hey, let's see if we can get away with stealing some make-up from Target! She's hesitant, but maybe you make it sound really fun and you start to do it yourself and there IS something she'd really like and she goes ahead and sneaks it in her purse... The point isn't even that neither of you get caught (although you COULD have), the point is - do you really love and care about your friend? Wouldn't you want to bring out the BEST in the people you love?

And there's that. When we truly love in a noble, spiritual sense, and "love" as an action, not a feeling, don't we want to bring out the very best they can be? Inspire them and help them to love and honor themselves, and know that their association with US has caused them to be better than they would have been otherwise - not worse?

Not all of us define "love" in this grander, noble sense, so we would not agree that we don't love our APs. I don't think it has to do with religion either - rather, it has to do with spirituality. There's a huge difference.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 1:05pm

Wow, Lexi...you hit on something I've spent a HUGE amount of time lately thinking about.


I LOVE AP, but I know our relationship is really not in his best interest, and like you said, elevating him to a higher place. I'm SO CONFLICTED

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 08-23-2010 - 9:52pm
Kimber! You know I don't want you to be a mess! Yikes, I guess I like to present some thought provoking posts just to get us thinking. Get us all to have whatever realizations we need to either continue an affair or end it. I see the logic and the beauty of love as an "action", and I get as conflicted as you are in thinking about it, and wishing, in a way, that I could start my entire life over. Well, maybe from the age of 18 or so. :-)

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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