Do you think your spouse knows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Do you think your spouse knows?
8
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 1:49pm

Do any of you in a ltr/A think your spouse knows something and won't confront you?


I ask because I have friends who are very close and can't believe that this A can be going on for as long as it has and my H not know or have some suspicion there is something going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 1:56pm
I straight out told my H. However, after I cool down I regret ever saying it.. So I told him it was a lie.
“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 2:03pm
I am S but sometimes I wonder if AP's W suspects something is going on with him.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 3:10pm

I think my H knows on some deep subconscious level. Not so much about this A because it affects almost nothing and it's in a time period that I don't have to account for. Although my present A has been going on for 10 years, it affects my life and my time a lot less than previous A's.

I've had two previous A's; both consumed me a lot more. The first one, on days we got together, I would leave my house as soon as possible in the morning, be with him until an hour or so before my H got home from work, and saw him 2 or 3 times a week like that. On days I did not see him I talked with him on the phone for hours. I risked WAY MORE, even spending whole days on the weekend with him on the pretense of "shopping" or something. I stopped being home all the time in the daytime - and strangely, my H stopped calling me from work like he had done previously. Almost as if he didn't want to really know about those days I was gone all day. I would sometimes take off in the evening too.
Sometimes I would prepare by buying a few bags from the drugstore earlier in the day so I could walk in with them later if I wanted to leave in the evening. I'd have to say he HAD to know something on some level.

I don't think the length of time an A has been going on is the thing that makes it more or less "noticeable". My first A was 1 1/2 years, this one is 10 years. But how intense it is, how many "odd" behaviors you display, how many risks you take, those sorts of things are more telling. With this affair, I'm almost always where I say I will be, I see my OM maybe 3 times a month for a few hours, we never talk on the phone, I never see him on weekends or evenings, etc. We communicate by e-mail, maybe one per day, no marathon e-mailings or IMings, etc.

But I do think that often the spouse unconsciously suspects. If it hit his conscious mind, I think he would have to delve more.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 9:39pm
I often wonder this too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 3:16am

My H did not know how unhappy I was until I insisted we start MC in February. He didn't know because we were completely disconnected. I entered MC because I was thinking of leaving and wanted to be able to say I tried everything.

Lo and behold he woke up and put me first in his life. He listens, hugs, talks, connects every day. I would never have entered MC until I had an A and now my M is better than ever. He will never know how close he came to losing me.

My AP's W did suspect from the very beginning - so many subtle changes in his behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 9:01am
My H should be having a clue,cant say for sure.like another poster said,signs are there,if only he was paying attention.Since he is bed-ridden,he cant really stop me( i really think its bad for him but i have my needs).
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 2:56pm

I think you hit it where I am.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 9:44pm
I think he knows something is up, but there has been no evidence. Only one time was I really not where I was supposed to be that he knew about, and I managed to fudge it. And it's not like I see AP on a regular basis - he's long distance - and I have a life full of responsibilities, so it's not like I have a lot of time that can be unaccounted for. And I have been discreet to the verge of paranoia. Even though H and I aren't living together anymore, I still want to keep this secret ideally until after we divorce, or at least until we have a signed settlement agreement in place. I don't want him to think that we split up over the A, because truly that's not why I left. The A woke me up to the fact that my marriage was doomed. Even if the A ends, I still don't want the marriage. Still, I do know that it's not a matter of if you're caught, but when, so I may not beat the clock on this and H might find out, but at least I don't live there anymore.

MASAlterego


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