Do you/AP feel insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Do you/AP feel insecure?
34
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 9:34am

AP and i both feel insecure , at times.

My insecurity arises from his STBX though being 6 years older than me,she is gorgeous,slim and all! I would be in the fat category,like the majority of the americans( lol!) .The holidays were huge for me as i really dreaded that AP and his STBX W would come close together ( but they decided on D).those few days really took a toll on me.

My AP also has some inseurities .He believes that i wouldnt wait for him till his D is final.His D could linger on for a while as his kids are young and there would be a nice custoday battle.His STBX W works a full day but earns minimal to provide for 2 kids especially in this economy.When he brings this topic in, i again get insecure,sigh.What if he gives up and ends up staying M??

Anyone else having insecurities? Or anyone who feels secure in there R with AP?It would be nice to hear some encouraging stories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 11:39am

Hi LovingDoll -


Good question.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 11:46am
thank you for your kind words of advice..and yeah i do know that he cannot provide what i need and be who i need him to be and what i deserve.....it's funny because my DS...had nicknamed him over the summer "SUPERMAN" and my simple arsed AP actually starting going along with it..playing the persona..even telling my son one time that he's impenetrable...lol...my DS gave him a father's day gift and used superman wrapping paper..and the boy is 16.but he thought it would be cool.....but i just sighed because you are very right..it's a relief to hear it from you and others...but when you are on the receiving end of the comment, you feel like they are trying to push you away...kwim....thanks ...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 11:56am

Tyger -


Hi honey - so sorry you are hurting today.


Just wanted to let you know that this happened to me once too - BF was not at a point where he was ready to leave the M yet - and he finally told me (in tears) that yes - I should go and date others - because he didn't know if he could ever be who and what I needed.


I didn't need his permission of course - and I hated the fact that he said it - but when I thought it over, I realized that it wasn't him pushing me away - it was his guilt at seeing me in pain - and the love he had for me that made him try anything to make me feel better.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 12:05pm
thanks tgr...i feel horrible..my best bud told me if i didn't stop she was gonna give me one of her patients xanax's ...(of course she would never) but she threatened to slip it into my wine when we exercise tonite..i told her and my cousin to please forgive the wine in the sippy/straw cup while we're exercising because i need it...those fools are making me do tae bo tonite...i won't be able to concentrate on this relationship because i'll be too tipsy and hurting....lol lol lol lol..they are great pals....when you are the person receiving the comment you cannot see that the other person is trying to do something to take the pain away..it just feels like he is trying to push me away because i'm being a bother or i'm being a pest or pesky....of course if he wasn't married i wouldn't get sensitive and emotional about little things..because he'd be single...i wouldn't have to worry about it....i still contend that i DO NOT want him to leave her for me...not at all....i thought i was enjoying the relationship the best i knew how...i thought i was doing better and not

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 12:45pm

I'm so glad this came up. I mostly lurk here, and I get antsy when I think I've posted too much information, but really right now I'm kind of a mess. My AP lives on the other side of the country, and we haven't seen each other in over a month. He travels a lot on business, so normally we see each other more often, but with the holidays and all, it's been a long wait... And he's with HER.

But, yes, I'm also with my "him" - my H.

Last weekend during a dinner with friends I sneaked out and checked my e-mail and had a sweet message from AP, and later (too much to drink, I think), I just started crying.

AP is more the self-controlled type. I know he loves me, but he doesn't show his insecurity.

I tend to spaz out, I get all upset, even though I haven't left my H for him; I want him to leave his long-term relationship for me. I am extremely insecure and emotional with him, and even though he reassures me, I really worry that that's going to drive him away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 12:58pm
if he truly loves you it won't drive him away...it may

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 2:39pm

Thanks for the encouraging post,tgrbabe! I guess i should just scrap this 'looks' thing out of my mind and concentrate on what we have.To feel better about myself i will start caring about my body and get into shape.
For AP's insecurity about me sticking around,i guess time will stand by us.

I will read your response every day to keep myself in check,lol!

thanks!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 3:05pm

loving...to be honest..looks have nothing to do with anything unless you are dealing with a very shallow person..and i don't think so...not by what you post and say about him..he loves you for who you are on the inside.....i tend to even get insecure about my looks..but it's little things like , does my hair look nice today..don't you like my outfit..he says he doesn't say anything because he thinks i know i'm pretty or "got it going on"...well not true..sometimes i don't...you have a great heart and i'm certain he thinks you are beautiful outside and in....so don't worry about that..plus the average sized woman is not a 4..she's a 16....i wish i had the rack of a person sized 14 or 16...tbh..i am a 32b...ugh...and don't intend to get implants...no way...at all...


your ap sounds like he has a sound mind and good head on his shoulders....as far as his insecurity about you sticking around...well, just try to reassure him that you are in it for the long haul..


as far as me...right now i'm very confused and cannot get past what my "whateva you wanna call him" has said to me yesterday..it's hard to muster through...so i'm back at the place where...i have to clear my head and he and i can be buddies for now..who knows about the long run.......i don't want him to hurt me anymore and i don't want to be overly sensitive about every little thing he does or doesn't do...i don't want to pester him or get on his nerves....and i do NOT want to HURT him or push him to a point where he has to make a decision and then deal with hurt and pain from that...we've gone through enough as it is...


i hope you feel better from the responses you got...i feel better from tgr and ox's responses to my overly sensitive nature right now...


(did i mention i'm on the rag right now too)...since i hit 34 my hormones have been driving me friggin nuts at times....but i wouldn't be able to explain to him the fact that adds to my overly sensitive nature..he would only see that as an excuse and we know it's not...it does affect the way you handle things...

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 3:34pm

I'm glad you're feeling better tyger.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-12-2009 - 3:44pm
ok...that made me cry..but probably because i'm on that "derned rog raught nah" they way my mom would say it...but i do beat myself up after i get emotional..and this wasn't a spaz out..that i did..it was just telling him that i thought at times he could be insensitive, inconsiderate and rude..and that he shouldn't treat me that way since i'm already not on the list or priorities....i'm at the bottom...he got mad at that too and said "you don't know what my priorities are" "you don't know how i feel about who comes first and last and in between" "you don't know how hard this is for me too" he always says i think it's easy for him it seems like it is easy for him until i get emotional..then he wants to realize that i am hurting..and he always says i make him feel bad about himself...and then he gets frustrated with himself...i guess because it brings it to light to him that he'll never be able to be what i need and deserve out of a partner..unless he and his wife's relationship somehow dissolves....and i don't need it on my shoulders that it's because of me....i'm gonna give it time obxbell...i do know the last time we reconnected and we've done this over and over and over again...he said he thought he almost lost me for good...still cant get over what he said to me...and he very well might have lost a good lover for good because of it...i do understand that you guys looking in can say..he's trying to ease his guilt and my pain by telling me he thinks i should date other people..but i can't see it that way..guess cause i'm caught up emotionally...to me..the biggest fear was "HIM" ending it with me..not me ending it...funny right...well, i just think that him saying "he thinks i should date other people" is his way of trying to push me away from him...well, it kind of worked.....i don't know....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss