Doctor Update
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| Wed, 04-07-2004 - 6:49pm |
For those of you that care to know, I have, so far, been diagnosed with "Significant Depression". My "breakup" is not the cause of this diagnosis, but that and the consequential results in my M, have intensified the symptoms.
My doctor has immediately started me on mediciation and also had me go for some bloodwork in order to rule out a chemical deficiency or thyroid problem.
In talking to the doctor, between bouts of tears, I am beginning to realize that my depression has been on-going for much longer than my A was. In fact, my depression is probably the cause of the A.
I'm not saying that I didn't want the A, or that I don't love xMM, because that is probably the only thing that I'm sure of at this moment. I've had feelings for MM for a very long time, way before anything became emotional or physical between us.
However, the A gave me the lift or high, that I so deperately needed, and for a short-period of time significantly reduced my symptoms. That is until, I began having anxiety attacks whenever I didn't hear from MM (I'm not talking days, I'm talking hours). I would always envision the worst. He must have had an accident, lying face down in a ditch, etc. I do the same thing with my H. It's not that I don't think they don't want to see me, it's that I think they are either severely injured or even dead (what a horrible thought). This may seem sick (I guess I am), but I have even planned my H's funeral in my head in certain circumstances when I figured he should be "home by now" and wasn't. He is a transport driver, so it's not unusal for him to be delayed. I have also had thoughts of going to MM's funeral, and pretending I was nothing more than an acquaintance to his W and family.
Anyway, I'm beginning to realize that I will be working through this "illness" for a while I assume, that all of my babble around here the past few days must have been horrible for the rest of you to read and I really feel an apology is in order.
I have to say that you people have been a great sounding board, I love the fact that you took the time to read and respond. It really means so much to me.
I think I should probably transfer to the "Mental Illness Support Board", if one even exists.
I am sure that I will lurk around here, to keep updated on all of your highs and lows, and maybe occassionally offer words of support.
You have all become such wonderful "stranger friends", and I will be thinking of you often. And please don't take this the wrong way but I feel the need to point out some honourable mentions: Virgogirl, GB2, Dusty, Juliet, Rain, Omahamm and Boston - Thank you so much!
Take care and love always
Red

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So sorry to hear you're down today. But, I think you made some positive changes today. The medication, for one. Just so you know, anti-depressants take 2-3 weeks to work. Or, at least, mine did when I started one (9 years ago, yikes!). That's good you got the tests, and most of all, good that you can see that you have probably been depressed for a long time, and that your affair actually was keeping it at bay. So, in a way, a good "side-effect" of the break-up is: you will finally take care of this life-sucking "illness." I think you're on to a great start. And, by the way, I get panic attacks too. So, if there really is a mental illness support board, point the way--I need it too! LOL
Renee
Good for you! I'm really proud of you for going, and while we'll miss your presence in the consistent way you've contributed, it's great that you're going to take new steps to finding some happiness. I haven't looked, but I'm sure there's a right board to help deal with those depression issues here.
I doubt seriously there's an apology in order to any of us. This is a support board, the important word there being "support." For my part, I'm glad you shared with us and it hasn't been horrible at all; if you're here talking it means you're not out somewhere potentially being self destructive, a serious possibility from depression.
There are so many people out there dealing with similar issues. My OW does, and it's really opened my eyes to how hard it is. Good luck with getting control of it, remember that you're not alone in that boat either, and I hope you'll chime in here once in a while.
Take care, much love,
rain
I have to say that I see so many similarities in our situations. I know I've been battling depression off and on for a while now. I'm not ready to pursue meds... yet. But what you said about your relationship with XMM giving you a "lift" or "high" that helped to mask your depression really struck a chord with me. I can also relate to your tendency to fear the worst.
Please keep in touch - let us know how things are going! Good luck with everything - you are definitely taking steps in the right direction.
((((((HUGS)))))))
GB2
I think maybe I am a little depressed too over my home life. Well of course, its never easy living with an alcoholic (H). After hearing your post here, maybe I will consider seeing a Dr. or something. Take care honey, and make sure you keep in touch to let us know how you are doing!!
Dusty
Thank you for your response.
Yes, I think maybe you should see a Dr. I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest, just by admitting that I have a problem, and he recognized it immediately.
I'm starting to understand, that I've probably had depression for most of my adult life. I'm certain I'm going to learn many things, since my Dr is going to be monitoring me on a weekly basis.
I started my meds this morning - felt a little buzzed for a bit, but seems okay now. It could take up to a month before I notice a difference in mood though.
Let me know if you decide to go. My Dr was really wonderful and understanding, and I'm sure yours would be as well.
Oh, just a note - you know when they have you sitting in the room waiting. Well, I'm thinking, how am I going to start this in telling him - he comes in, asks how are you, i'm okay - then he moves toward me as though going to check my throat or something - I say, I'm not physically ill, I'm mentally ill. That kind of got the ball rolling and when I thought of it later, it sounds kind of funny! LOL
Take care
Red
We love you
Kitty
I have been contemplating going to the doctor myself. My H has actually said he would go for counseling, which I never thought he would do. I know I'm depressed and can so relate to you. Dusty's post also hits close to home. Today I had lunch with a female friend that I hadn't seen in a while, and almost broke down in the middle of the restaurant discussing some of my problems. I felt like a complete idiot.
Like you, I too have had thoughts of my H or MM dying, and envisioned their funeral. Then I envision my own funeral and wonder what both men would do....talk about crazy!!
All I can say is that I am and always will be here for you if you need to talk. I'm glad to know that you are going for therapy as it is a step in the right direction.
For me, I've decided to end my A. That's a whole other story, one that I just don't feel up to posting about right now. Just know that in our own way, we all love and support you.
Virgogirl
I feel for you. As someone who has suffered through severe depression, I know how debilitating it can be. Although I never was suicidal or imagining anyone else dying, I did suffer a great deal. I couldn't get out of bed. I cried constantly. I quit my job and I quit school. Luckily, I too got help. I got on medication and although it did have some side effects (sexual problems, deadening of emotions), it also got me back on track and living my life again. Just make sure you keep going. When I tried to take myself off of medication, I hit rock bottom hard. I wish you the best of luck. Don't even worry about your R's right now. Focus on you and what you need to get well.
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