does anyone else feel unfilfilled
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| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:50pm |
I have an unusual post, I think. I have barely started an affair. Talk to him 1-2 times per week online, got along from first time, have a connection. Have messed around a little. Am married, but haven't loved him for years due to his killing my feelings with his verbal and emotional abuse. Left him for a month in January, but he "became an angel" and begged for me to move back. So, I did. Now I am sorry. Things starting to go back to the way they were - negative all the time.
Here's my question: When I listen to those love songs on the radio, I get so depressed. Neither relationship is fulfilling. I feel like I have so much to give, but no decent person to give it to. I don't want to fall in love with my affair, because I don't know how he feels. Won't talk about it, so I assume it's just foolin' around for him. I just want to feel like the lyrics in all the songs. But seems like I'm stuck between forever...
I guess I just wanted to post to get it out, or see if anyone relates...
Renee

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Are you in aposition to start over, on your own?
Real love - or what "hollywood" society has portrayed what love should be. How can anyone live up to those standards. Real life just isn't like that. Oh, maybe it can be, but from what I've read on these posts, conversations with friends, acquaintances - that only happens in the movies, as they say.
However, if your H verbally and emotionally abuses you, I say leave. That type of abuse can be just as, if not more, harmful than physical abuse (remember, I said CAN BE).
Either way, you don't sound happy. Maybe it's time to wipe your hands clean, find yourself, and let the love of your life search you out.
"If you build it, they will come"
Red
Maybe that is what i need. sigh. as far as being in a position to be on my own, i guess the answer is i could. He took over finances when I moved back in, so I'd have to move in with mom and dad 1 1/2 hours away in next county to get back on my feet. The problem that causes is possible custody and transportation--old vehicle. But if I really felt I came to that point (which feels like it's coming!), I could do it.
Renee
Well, it's not that I expect perfection, but I just want someone to cherish me, you know? Don't I know that type of abuse can take a toll, I just had the worst panic attack on Friday. :( How DO you find yourself, though? Obviously, the first step is a separation. But, how do resist the OM when he's so.....irresistable? BTW, OM is not married, that's a plus! Thanks for the reply, Red. I hope I'm not a drag on this board.
Renee
P.S. Sorry I didn't answer sooner, but H came home, and I had to quit.
If anyone is a drag on this board lately, that would be me!
How do you find yourself? How do you resist OM? As soon as I know those answers, I'll fill you in.
In the meantime, post here - there are many wonderful, supportive people that will offer their own experiences and give you hugs as often as required. I really don't know what I would do without them right now.
((((HUGS))))
Red
Listen Sweetheart, your story and mine are identical.
Hot
I agree with the people who said you should go... verbal and emotional abuse only undermines any progress you might make for yourself. Most people use the tools they know and understand to keep people down and in line, and most of the time they work. Step 1, break that hold by finding an exit.
Step 2... there is a Buddhist idea that if you want to find love, seek it first within yourself. You cannot go out and "find" love. You must be love. To find what you seek, be what you seek. If you want people to smile at you more, smile at more people. If you want people to talk to you more, talk to more people. If you want more money, give more money away (yes, I know it sounds questionable, but it works.)
I can tell you absolutely that two years ago I decided to recognize my overall unhappiness. When I did I then decided to follow my natural inclinations to give attention to people, to be kind to people, to listen when people talked to me and to share whatever I had with whomever needed it. My life in the last two years has seen phenomenal changes, and they aren't done. I stopped thinking about what I wanted and started trying to be what I wanted, and it has made an amazing difference in my peace, my happiness, and my love life. No, it didn't solve every problem, in fact it created some new ones. But now I'm dealing with those, they are getting better, and in time it will all wash out just how it's supposed to.
Good Luck, Renee. You deserve to be happy, so consider taking whatever first steps feel right.
rain
I've had some time to think about your situation. And I find your handle somewhat telling. Xanadu is a reference from the Coleridge poem Kubla Khan, and it refers to an idyllic, exotic place that never quite existed.
I agree with all the folks who feel that you can find happiness if you open yourself up to it. If your parents are supportive (and they may not be, if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, we all tend to repeat patterns in our lives) then by all means take the kids and go stay with them for a while. Sort your head out. Go back to school. Do something for yourself. I don't know how old you are, or if you work for a living, but turn off the radio! Those song will kill you! They are like Xanadu, they're stories and fairytales and not real.
Create a good world for yourself and your kids, and then live in it. One that fits you, your needs, and your desired future. You are the only one who can make you happy; you have to see to your own self-fulfillment. You can't expect someone else to do that for you.
You might consider a short course of behavioral therapy, with someone who comes highly recommended. Even 6-8 sessions can really help you gain perspectiove and make a game plan.
Hang in there, you can do it!
Sky
Renee
Thanks for your reply. I don't know how you can stand the v abuse, mine's trying like you said, but he still has tricky little ways of controlling me. I hate it. It seems to be a recurrent theme that I need time off from both of "the guys," I am considering it seriously. Maybe this summer when I am off work from the school I work at. The custody issue is, can I take my boys over county borders without a court order if I move out, and will I get custody, especially if I am having an affair and it is discovered and comes out in court? By the way, what exactly does MM stand for, Married Man, or ? Thanks for your supportive reply.
Renee
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