does anyone else feel unfilfilled
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| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:50pm |
I have an unusual post, I think. I have barely started an affair. Talk to him 1-2 times per week online, got along from first time, have a connection. Have messed around a little. Am married, but haven't loved him for years due to his killing my feelings with his verbal and emotional abuse. Left him for a month in January, but he "became an angel" and begged for me to move back. So, I did. Now I am sorry. Things starting to go back to the way they were - negative all the time.
Here's my question: When I listen to those love songs on the radio, I get so depressed. Neither relationship is fulfilling. I feel like I have so much to give, but no decent person to give it to. I don't want to fall in love with my affair, because I don't know how he feels. Won't talk about it, so I assume it's just foolin' around for him. I just want to feel like the lyrics in all the songs. But seems like I'm stuck between forever...
I guess I just wanted to post to get it out, or see if anyone relates...
Renee

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Your message makes a lot of sense. I went right from Mom and Dad's when I got married at 22 to a wife, and pregnant 3 months later. I don't think I ever found myself. I met H while still in High School even. Come to think of it, it makes a lot of sense, because one of the things I am feeling is like I never "sowed my wild oats," not that I want to be a party animal, but I feel like I didn't get too much choice of my life's paths and now I want to be able to make choices to control my own life. H didn't want me to go back to work :( but oh, well. I did anyway. That's part of the conflict. Anyway, best of luck with finding what you need in life and working out those kinks! ;-)
Renee
Thanks to yet another person for another awesome post. I feel like you all know me already. My handle comes from the movie "Xanadu," around 1980, but I guess there's probably some truth to my idealized vision of what life and romance could be. When you are depressed and have anxiety problems like I do, I guess sometimes you want to "escape" in your mind, even if you can't in real life. Anyway, to give you a little more info about me, it will be 15 years for our Anniv this year, and I am 36. My boys are 13 and 11. I do work, against H wishes for the most part. I have low self-esteem and I just want to be happy. My train of thought lately has been, 36 isn't too old, if I wait these marriage problems out, will I be sorry years later? I have been seeing a counselor. Stopped for a while when I moved out on H for a month, but started back up when H's cr*p did. Not sure what behavioral therapy is, but she did give me some good ideas to deal with my anxiety when it gets bad. She can only help so much with the "plan," as I keep waivering back and forth about what I want to do. But I am listening to all the advice on here, and I really do appreciate your replies. You are intuitive!
Renee
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