Does anyone else know about your A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Does anyone else know about your A?
13
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:37pm
Just curious to know if you've told anyone else about your affair. If so, who and how much have you told them?

In my case, there's only one other person who knows.......and it's a person I had an affair with a few years ago! Lol. Quite odd now that I think about it.

A former neighbor of mine & I had a 7 month affair. It ended on friendly terms so, even today (he's since moved but is still in the area) we're really good friends. Being that we were involved in an A and became very good friends (I was married, he's in a LTR), I felt I could confide in him. We're still mildy attracted to one another, but agreed awhile ago that we're not going to cross that line again. We talk to one another about everything under the sun, including the problems with our respective relationships, people we're attracted to, blah, blah, blah.

When I first began my A with my current MM I kept it to myself and casually mentioned (to the ex-OM) that I'd been seeing someone. Of course, he wanted to know who/what/when/where/how. I eventually gave him an overview, but brought him up to speed on most of it a few weeks later. He doesn't know my MM's name, occupation, where we met, etc... but he knows the basics.

Anyone else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:19pm
When my A was in its beginning stages I started telling all my friends and family about this great guy I met, except he is married I told them. At the time I didn't think my MM would be married for much longer because he expressed to me that he wanted out of his M. Naivity on my part had me thinking in my own mind that this meant mere months rather than the now years it has been. So I had also shared with these people that he was going to be getting a D soon.

I received such strong words from everyone to stay out of his life until he actually was divorced that when it didn't happen I stopped talking about him and led on that we have just remained very casual friends that send out an email once every couple of months to catch up with each other. No one knows I ever became intimately involved with him and I don't want anyone to know. I can't handle the judgement or the disappointment of those close to me. They wouldn't understand the love we share for each other, they would only see the wrong we are doing of the betrayal to his M. It is one of the hardest things for me to deal with about the A because I hate living a lie and betraying my own family and friends by living this secret life.

It's kind of silly but I worry about something happening to me and I envision my family going through my personal possessions in my apartment and finding all of our letters, cards, pictures, etc. to each other and realizing I had been having an A for years and had been lying to them all along. The thought of that just makes me shudder.

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:45am
Not a soul! I mean MM dated before we were M so people know we know each other and sometimes keep in touch but in no way does anyone know the extent of it. Way too much at risk! That is why I am so thankful for you all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:36am
No one knows of the A except for the people on this board. MM hasn't told anyone either. We both agreed it's not worth the risk to let anyone know. It would be so much easier if I had someone to talk face to face to about this, but I can't take the chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 8:48am
There is one person out there who knows that the feelings between me and XMM went way beyond friendship. I didn't tell this person but she's a smart cookie and she figured it out. Come to find out she has been in the same situation so she doesn't judge me and she's been very supportive. Even so, I don't talk about it much. Thank goodness for this board - it is the only place I feel completely understood.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:13pm
My two best friends know. The one is in the same situation as me and the other is the one that will never, ever judge me but helps me see things for what they are. However only this board REALLY knows how deep I feel for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:33pm
I told two guy friends that I work with. I just needed someone to talk to one day and told one of my guy friends about it. I didn't tell who he was until my mm got fired from the job we work in. he understands how I feel and is supportive. He's single and has cheated on his girlfriend a couple of times.

and the other guy friend is very special. he's not judgemental of me and gives me good advice and also good advice on the sex too!!! Actually he LOVES to hear about our sex!! I told him sometimes I didn't feel comfortable talking about it since it is an ema, but he said don't worry about it. He's just a sex fiend!!!! I know my two guy friends will never tell anyone since we work in a rumor mill!! plus they are good people like all of you!!!!!

Gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:56pm

Noone knows on his side, but on my side my sister's and my Aunt know. He knows they know and he's OK


When he comes around and my sister's are with me. We just act normally. We don't show public affection. Never! Even though they know, but I'm glad they know because they will help in the situation if needed, :).


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:33pm
In my case, I have two friends that know quite a bit about MM, and then I have three others who know vaguely what is going on - although they usually don't ask or if they do, just in passing to see if the A continues...

The two that know - one is a divorced friend, so she gets most of the details since she's not judgmental at all about the situation. The other knows "enough" but doesn't want any real details since she herself has suffered from her husband's infidelity.... she doesn't "approve" but still is a good friend so is concerned about what goes on in my life.

Everyone's main concern is that I don't get hurt.

No one in my family or current work environment know about my A, although when MM calls me here (I work in a cube) and I say good-bye to him, I still say "good bye baby" so I'm sure they all wonder since I don't have a picture, don't talk about a man in my life, or whatnot - so I'm sure there are some wonderments.... ha ha! LOL!

So - that's my story....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:47pm
Bring,

I guess the only advice I have to give you about not letting on to your family is that you need to do what makes you happy and not worry about their reactions. Yes, sometimes its difficult because you'd like to share something funny he said or something you did or experienced together, but sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone.... I would hope that if something did happen to you and your family went through your things and found out about it, they would be more .... upset with themselves for not letting you be who you are - this person makes you happy. It's too bad you can't share a little bit of that with your family. I am in the same boat, but luckily have some friends to share it with. Just my two cents.... Good luck and have a good weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:01pm
I'm sure there are a few people who suspect something is going on, but we've told no one. I know how you all feel. He is someone that makes me really happy and I can never share the way he makes me feel with anyone or something he's done for me. I've received flowers a few times inside I was so giggly but I had to say I bought them for myself to brighten my desk...

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