Does anyone else obsess?
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Does anyone else obsess?
| Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:40pm |
Does anyone else obsess when thier OP doesn't call right back (or calls late in the day?) I have left 2 vm's for MM today (I'm sure he's busy...) but, my mind starts to wonder and I keep waiting for my cell-phone to ring. I need words of encouragement! I start thinking his W found out, he wants to end it etc. Things have been fine - we talked for a long time yesterday..we typically talk everyday - I just hate it when he doesn't call right back!

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He sent another email this morning and yes, you'd be proud.... I did open it. He just made a funny remark/comment. Something he and I have joked about in the past. But again, that was it.
Very sad and hurt. I think reality is finally setting in...
MM and I emailed yesterday for awhile. Not sure what you have read of my posts, but I have cancer and told MM that one evening in an email about two weeks ago. Asked him to keep my illness quiet (we know a ton of the same people) and to also please not run a thousand miles away from me. I said I wanted nothing from him and was not meant to be burdesome to him- just therapeutic (SP?) to me. Anyhow, I told him that he was special and I simply enjoyed being with him. Also, told him he was wonderful and I hoped he heard that every day at home. Said he was the one thing at times that made sense to me. Also told him right after that to not freak out or get weird on me. Again, I'm not asking for anything. Told him I felt comfortable around him because he did not pressure me or place expectations on me, etc, etc. ANYHOW.... I sent this to him and it seems he did not run away. We have gotten together twice since then. Once for drinks and once for a nice lunch. I asked him via email on monday if he would have any available time this week. Turns out he does not. I am very sad- but I have been feeling crappy all week from my meds. So yesterday he sends a witty little one liner email. I respond back with a generic comment and his response back to me is "You feeling ok today?" When I told him in one simple word back "Nope", his response back to me hurt a little. He emailed back and asked said "do you want me to leave you alone?" This bothered me- he knows I want nothing from me (at least I elude to that) yet why would he ask this? No other friend would bail on me? Anyhow- I came right out and told him that I had been sick all week and his mission, if he chooses it, was/is to tell me something funny to make me laugh. His response- told me to give him a little time and he would think of something for me.
Anyhow, I left early because I got sick at work and told him I was leaving. Emailed him back and said to send it tomorrow (which is today) as I have another treatment today and his little 'funny' would be more appreciated. We do not discuss my health in person or in emails. Seems he either doesn't give a rip or maybe does not want to pry or maybe does not want to let on that he does care a little??? My girlfriend says he immature by the way he is handling this. I don't know what to make of her thought; after all he and I are both M and have lives to lead. It is not as if he can acknowledge me too much, I guess. What can he do- come to the hospital to see me? My H certainly would question that! So I tend to live in denial about her comment! Although she is probably right maybe....
I don't know anymore... is he pulling back because he wants out? Or because things have changed now that he knows I'm sick? etc? Why would he ask me that ( "do you want me to leave you alone?") Again,I feel hurt by that.
I think he might care? Or am I living fooling myself?
I am beating myself up on this. I am thinking he should be doing these things because this is what I WOULD DO if the shoe were on the other foot. I would make an effort to let him know that I care and albeit could not truly be there physically for him, I would think of him as that day approaches and especially on the day of surgery.
Remember, we have NOT had IC or even oral- just some hugging and kissing. So again, I would love to hear that he 'loves' me, but alas I think that is not the case. I believe we are two people who found enjoyment with each other; do not want to leave M's; yet are not sure what to do with each other?
Just like on tv, right NRY??? Ha HA
Love ya-
V
Ok, I just needed to write this to myself and see it in print.
Give him some time, maybe that's all he needs. But from your posts, I think he really cares for you.
In my case, I wonder sometimes if OM really cares for me or not and I also obsess over the fact that he doesn't call and when he does and it's a short call, I always tend to wonder if he just doesn't want to speak to me but I know he's busy because he works from sun up to sun down. After a long weekend of not talking, we seem to be on the phone longer and he tells me how much he misses me when I'm not with him and how it took long to have me but it was well worth the wait (13 years). When I'm with him he tells me he can't believe I'm his (half-way he says) because I'm married but he can't believe he has me in his arms, etc. etc.
I don't know what to think anymore. So I too obsess and I'm afraid that he will find a single woman that he can actually have a R with and marry. That scares me to death because I have all these feelings for him. And he is at an age where he probably needs to start thinking about marriage (34). We don't ever talk about us two having a future together because we've only been seeing each other for about 5 months although I do think of a future with him. Which I know I shouldn't.
Anyway, I feel you vles and we're all in the same boat. Many hugs your way.
And as much as I would like to believe what everyone has told me here so I can feel better, I really don't think MM and I are on the same page. I tend to think we have an "R" because I want it this way and that's why all this drives me so crazy. For him, I am a friend, someone to get weird with in emails and hang out with occassion. I don't think he thinks we have anything going on...(although we both know that neither spouse is aware of our meetings. And we meet in discreet places so he must think this is a touch more than a normal friendship, right?)
My MM is 34 as well. ( I am 40, but everyone is amazed when they find out- think I look much younger).Anyhow, he had a kid at age 20/21, got married three years later and had three more kids. So he has been with W for 10+ yrs. She is pretty, sweet and nice. The perfect wife and mom. So as you think your 34 yr old should be settling down soon, mine already has long ago and I could never see him changing his life. Not that I would ask that of him. ( although I'd be there in a heartbeat! Ha Ha) So, in all seriousness, I have thought about a future with him as well. I would love his children as I do mine. I know them and they are sweet. They have even played with my two kids. It would be quite a strange but wanted arrangement, that's for sure!!
I envy you, when you tell me how he tells you he misses you- girl, that is GOLD! And for you to be in his arms, with him and a part of him- well again, PLEASE know how I would give my eye tooth to have what you have. I know this does not ease your uncertainty with him... have you told him how you feel? Have you eluded to the fact that you have thought about a future with him? Maybe he thinks of one with you, but says to himself.."why is she married?" " why couldn't she be mine", etc...
Do you know his mind??? (I need to look in the mirror and ask myself that same thing about my MM).
Ok- 3:30 my time- he leaves work now and no email to me today to cheer me up. He doesn't care; I'm hurt, mad, hurt and yes, hurt. So, no offense, but please don't tell me he cares- I think we can both see this is not the case. A simple email takes all of 30 secs or less to send. I am in tears...
ohh ducks... I used to do that all the time... send email to MM one day... and not hear from him for two days... it would drive me insane wondering whether he still wanted to see me.
Fortunately for me... things have changed between us... we are in email contact every working day... and he keeps me up to date with his work status and will at least send me a quick email to say he's flat out and just doesn't have the time... and I'm just happy to know.
Also when he happens to take the day off work for whatever reason... he sends me a quick text message
Sweet
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