Does anyone know how I feel?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Does anyone know how I feel?
3
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 7:53pm
I met my love interest at work. We both had started the same day in the same section. We were friends first. I had just gotten engaged at the time, and he had been married for a little over a year and they had a son already. Their son was the reason they decided to get married. We had this connection from pretty much day one. When we started up, we promised to never ask anything of each other that we wouldn't be able to give. We remained with our respective mates, although, my fiance and I had almost broken up. Five months after we started up together, I got pregnant. When I was in my eighth month, we ended our relationship, and I ended up marrying my fiance. When I came back we ended up hooking back up. Now we've been together ever since.

The hardest thing, is that we fell in love with one another. For a while, we were talking about getting together. My husband and I don't have the greatest marriage and the truth is, we make each other miserable. We've talked about divorcing, but he's afraid that I'll never let him see the baby. She's three and he's the only father she's ever known. He's a great father to her.

My lover's wife ended up getting pregnant in January. It's weird considering that he said she was on birth control, and they have only done things like twice a month. I know she planned it, but that's their problem. It's been killing me, and I know it shouldn't. I love him to much to ruin his life. I know that if he did decide to divorce her, she would take him for everything. I don't want that to happen to him. I've already known several couples that did the same thing. They ended up divorcing their spouses, and getting together, and then breaking up because they ended up resenting each other. I would rather to be with him this way, then end up having him hate me and not have hima at all.

Am I crazy for loving him? I know that we would have a happy marriage together, but I don't want to have him hate me because of his situation with his wife. What would anyone here do? Would they be content having a relationship with the man secretly, and remain married to someone they don't love? Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:08am
Hi katavila and welcome to the board,

I have often wondered what it would be like to be in a real relationship with MM... would it work... or would be just drive each other insane. I know that there are things about him that would bother me and I'm just as sure there are things about me that would bother him. Would we be able to keep it all together or would it just go the way of our marriages and be doomed from the start???

All questions that I doubt will ever be answered... both MM and I will never leave our spouses for another person... if we leave... it's under our terms and our terms only... and I know for myself... I've a long way to go on that one yet... I'm not ready to give up on my marriage.

So... for now I accept what we have and make the very best of it. While it may just be an EMA... for me... it doesn't make what we have any less special... just that we have to make many allowances to keep what we do have.

Am I crazy??? maybe so... but to be honest... I'm content and life is good. I have my marriage that I do work on and I have my family together... at the same time... I have MM that fills the voids that I don't get from DH and that keeps me happy... and while I'm happy... those around me are too.

I do what I do to make my life complete... but at the same time... I take the risks and accept any consequenses that may come from them.

No one can know how you feel and why you do what you do to make you happy... unless they've walked in your shoes... and hon... that ain't ever going to happen. You must take life by the reins and do what you need to do... and if you can live with yourself... then that's all that really matters.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 10:57am
The key for both of you is that you leave your marriages because you WANT to leave your marriages, not because you want to be together. If you leave your marriage for him and he ends up not leaving, think how you'd feel. So you have to ask yourself if you want to stay with your H or risk being alone. It doesn't sound like you're happy in the M, but we all know that getting out isn't as easy as just leaving. The mistake many of those involved in an A make is in leaving for each other, then OF COURSE you resent each other. For the rest of your life, your R has this stigma of being something you both broke up your families for. That's a lot to live up to, especially if he loses custody of his child/children. Then you have to be "worth" having given up seeing his child/children for, and what woman is worth that much 24 hours a day? Not any, probably. I say all this, even as I'm grappling with my feelings for a man who has a child, so I know how "easier said than done" all this is. I guess you have to figure it all out in your own time. You'll eventually come to a decision about what's right for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:24pm
Sweet,

I loved what you wrote, that is all so very true. So so true. Jdreamer