? Does the apple fall far from the tree

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
? Does the apple fall far from the tree
4
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:18pm
NRY's post regarding "would you tell your children about your A" triggered a thought. Many of the posters included information about a parent's A. It really got me wondering about the question of how our parent's actions affect our own. I know for me, growing up I thought my parents' marriage was perfect and I thought neither one would EVER have an A. To me that would have been incomprehensible. Well, fast forward many years. About 10 years ago my folks divorced. To make a very long, complicated story short, we found out my Dad had had some A's in the very first years of marriage...I found out I have a 1/2 sibling I never knew about. I guess Mom knew about this back then and they moved and made things work. Well, in the last few years of their marriage he had some more A's, got found out, mom divorced him and he is now married to his OW (she is younger than me!).

Many times I wonder if my view of A's changed, albeit subconsciously, after I found out about Dad. This was very traumatic for me, even though I was grown, married and a mother myself. I worked w/ MM for 6 years and never once felt an attraction for him, or him for me as far as I know. We WERE great friends and enjoyed working together. I know w/out a doubt that had I been approached then my answer would have been a resounding NO!!! Now, obviously, my answer is different. I have thought many times that "I am just like my Dad,' and the saying about the 'apple not falling far from the tree' is more true than we like to think. I also wonder if my change in thinking, ie: that an A is the absolute worst sin ever to actually being involved in one myself, was possible because my Dad did it?

So, do any of you think that having a parent who had/is having an affair somehow causes us to view having an affair ourselves in a different light? Maybe we justify it and say it is ok for ourselves partly in part because of that (consciously or subconsciously)? Or are we predisposed, much like children of alcoholics to be alcoholics themsleves, to have an A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:45pm
Neither of my parents ever had an affair. They have been happily married for 50+ years. I do know that one of my brothers and one of my sisters have. That makes 3 of us that I know of, including me. My dad once mentioned that his father was quite a playboy. So, go figure, it seems in my family it skipped a generation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:59pm
Hi Billie....I can't believe my "apple" comment gave you the idea for this thread.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:35pm
I think in a way we probably do justify what we're doing because our own parents did it, and if they did it... than it can't be THAT bad right?! (If I am doing that, it was subconscious originally.)

Doesn't that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 1:14am
I agree that there could be some justification on our parts if our parents were guilty of EMAs as well. I also read somewhere that people involved in EMA's usually had one or both parents who were also involved in affairs, and they believe that it's a hereditary thing. I know my father had an affair with a woman before I was born, and had lived with her for 2 years before breaking it off and going back to my mother. Rumor has it that my mother also had a couple of affairs. Both parents are now deceased so I can't really ask them (I don't know that I'd have the guts to do so anyway). I do know that they also had a stormy marriage, just like myself. I truly thought that I would never do it, that I would be in love with my H forever. Boy, never say never huh?!

Virgogirl