Does this bother anyone else?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Does this bother anyone else?
7
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 2:04pm
Sometimes my MM talks about his wife---sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. I want him to be able to share everything with me, but I hate when he says 'wife'....I prefer he just call her by her name. Does this bother anyone else? Am I expecting too much not to want to hear comments about her or is it part of the territory? I am 33 and have never been in an EMA until 1 1/2 years ago....seems when I hear stories about things they do--like going to Target to buy stuff---I get upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 3:08pm

My MM from the beginning has never really mentioned her (W). Our conversations are just about us. If

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 4:52pm

Hi livin,


MM and I talk about our spouses all the time... and I'm not bothered by it... they are there and they are there for good! and we both accept that... and in many ways it's been good for our relationship... but that is us... and not everyone can handle this.


While I have always called DH by his first name... or by a nickname that MM has given him... MM usually refers to his wife as 'his wife' I do know her name... but he rarely uses it when talking to me.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:20am
It doesn't upset me to hear about OM's dates or girlfriends. I figure we have to share something between us other than fluids - heh. In fact I love to hear him talk about his family and his friends. I almost knwo everything that there is to know about him. He never hides anything from me. I appreciate that in a man - to be able to share everything without reservations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:13pm
I rather my MM be honest and tell me the truth, sad to say my MM lies about his life with W, I think it has to be a lie, he claims, they never go to resturants, they have a 3 and 4 year old, they claim he is not welcome at her family's house, so all holidays birthdays and get together's she goes alone because they are all at her families house (funny thing is, he calls alot on holidays or he is working so over the years he has proven he is not with her on Holidays) he claims when she is home, he is in the L/R watching T.V and she is in the bedroom, he claims she never cooks for him, only has sex maybe once a month (he claims the hispanic women are cold, have sex to have the babies then only once in a while to keep the man happy) He blames so much on the hispanic women are different than the American. He claims she is Never home when he gets home, and funny thing there is he calls me almost everynight from his house and she is not there, we talk about what is on T.V and he wants me to put it on the same channel so I know he is watching T.V at his house. But my theory is HOW CAN SOMEONE STAY married in that situation, I dont believe him because it seems so unreal, but now since I am typing it, his actions make it seem real. WOW, how can people live like that? No wonder why he is having an A
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 7:27pm
Yes, I can honestly say it bothers me when he refers to her as "wife". He doesnt do it often because he knows it bothers me though. We've talked about it. I think thats very important in these A's. It also bothers me when they have to do certain things together. He would actually choose to NOT go because he knew it would upset me, depending on what it was. If it involved the kids, of course I don't mind at all, but if it was something like "couple" stuff, no way. I'd get upset, but then I'm single, I don't have a husband at home with me to keep my mind off of what hes doing with her. MM and I have "boundaries" which I think are very important, but with those boundaries I know we have GREAT COMMUNICATION also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 9:16pm
Well, here's my response, which no doubt differs from most....

No, it never bothers me now. And I do hear about it (and encourage it, and ask for it). And I tell him the same.

I think it depends entirely on what the foundation of your affair is built on.

It used to bother me a lot (in the first couple years of our A). Then, it bothered me somewhat. Now, I get a fleeting feeling of jealousy, but mostly I know that our A depends on his marriage being secure (and my marriage being secure!) -- but more than that, I want him to be happy in his marriage. My relationship with him is entirely separate from 'them', and I understand fully the differences between myself and her. She has a hold on him that I can never have, and as such, she has something that I never will -- on the other hand, I have a relationship, emotional and sexual, that she's in no way capable of sharing with him. Both are very much needed and valued by him.

Now that I'm not 'threatened' by her, so to speak, we can talk in detail and intimately about our day-to-day marriage lives, and how to make them better. We give each other continual advice, and I'm glad when he has a good period of time with her, as he is when I have the same with DH. He loves her, and he loves me, and we fulfill very different (yet very important) roles in his life. And I would have it no other way.

I want him to stay with her. I know that he needs me too. And this, folks, is essentially the 'only' way that an A can truly work long-term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 1:08am
It used to bother me A LOT... I asked my MM not to mention her

and keep it separate from what we've got.

I noticed that since he knows it bothers me he thinks twice

before mentioning her but he still does!

Perhaps if I was married myself it wouldn't bother me that much.

I really don't think it's necessary for me to know

how much his mother adores her or how she tries to become a vegetarian...IS IT???

Accepting tht she's there, she's part of his life and will be helps me a little

bit but yes, to answer your question, it bothers me.