Does he want to end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Does he want to end it?
2
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 4:35pm
Two nights ago, I met MM in NYC while he was on business. We went to a show, and as we were sitting there, he became visibly uncomfortable. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he sometimes feels guilty about our relationship (what he's doing to his W, kids, and me). I tried to comfort him the best I could, got him a couple cosmos and by the end of the night, he couldn't get enough of me. Later that night, as we were being intimiate, he told me for the 3rd time that he is in love with me. This time was more emotional than the previous two...even in the darkness, it seemed as though he was weeping. I said it back to him, and he wanted to hear it again and again as we were making love. It was very nice, yet left me feeling scared and depressed.

The next morning, we were intimate again before he had a 9am meeting and he couldn't finish, and said things were 'just bothering' him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said sure...It was work, us, etc. but went on and on about work. So I just chalked it up to the stressful 2 days of meetings.

He was supposed to be out of the meeting by 1pm, but it went on to 3:30 and our departure was at 5pm. Didn't give us a lot of quality time together, but hey, he had business first and foremost. We got to the train and found it to be delayed INDEFINITELY. I was very excited when he turned and said, Do you want to stay another night? Absloutely! I said. He had to call home, and when he did so, he spoke to W in another language. He has made calls to W in front of me before, but NEVER once has he spoken to her in a foreign language! When he got off, he said, Let's try to catch a bus, I really should be home...

Ladies, I am at wits end. He knew I was upset and he has jerked me around numerous times over the past week and a half, always very apologetic and (hopefully) sincere. So i overlook it, yet I haven't told him how it annoys me that he can't make up his mind, I have a life to answer to as well (not married, but still). I bite my tongue when he pisses me off and try to show him that I am brushing it off and realizing that it comes w/ the territory. This stuff has only been happening very recently. I asked him on the bus ride home if he wanted to end it b/c he has been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. He shut me down right away, exclaiming, I don't ever want this to end, you have been so good for me!

I still have my doubts and suspicions, what does everyone think? Does it seem as though I should break it off for BOTH our sakes? I mean I have guilt as well, but I am most concerned about the broken heart I may end up with (he's NOT leaving his W, its a livable marriage). However, at this point, I can't help but think that this is destroying him NOW and if I walk away....???

On the other hand, if this is all just a fluke, how do I get my message across to him that he needs to make definitive decisions in a more timely manner, as my life is affected too... I don't want to pressure him, as I know the limitations we have; but I need him understand that my time has become increasingly precious since we first started dating.

Any thoughts/ideas on either of my dilemmas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 9:34am
I think only you can answer that question, but I don't see why you should end it "for his sake." Guilt is a part of this, and he knew that going in. It's not as if you're just now sleeping together for the first time (I assume?). But if YOU feel that you can't handle the ups and downs he's putting you through, by all means end it. It's as they always say on here -- when the bads outweigh the goods, it's time to go. Sounds like you had a great time together and you're happy despite the guilt he's feeling. Seems to me that the more in love with you he falls, the more conflicted he feels. I know if I were involved with a single man, it would be very tough because I'd feel that I were the one holding things back. At least now, with both myself and OM in marriages, I know that even if I were to leave he might not, so the burden isn't all on me. Of course, the guilt is compounded because I know not only am I hurting my family but his as well, but at least we're both going home at night to spouses and we're not having to spend our weekends wondering what the other is doing...we're too busy for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 09-20-2003 - 5:48pm
Thank you lilah - The good definitely outweighs the bad parts in my situation, so far. It's been alomst 4 months that we've been together... and in a way he is holding me back from other prospects, as I am not as willing to pursue other men.This is a definite life experience that I may regret someday, who knows... On the other hand, I could try to live it as "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." I know it will end someday, and the question is the huge elephant between us: WHEN and HOW?

I also thought that maybe as his love for me is growing is feelings are more complex. He is on vacation with his wife right now, it does not bother me terribly, as I am busy. But the otehr night, he text messaged me: "I'm going to pretend you're in my arms while we sleep tonight." The first time we made love he told me one of the reasons he was scared was b/c "what if he didn't want his wife anymore." This makes me nervous.

I sometimes like to think of myself as their secret marriage counselor, giving him suggestions on how to get her "in the mood" and communicate with her. I only hear his side, so I tend to take hers. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping he'll one day say that he wants to fix what's broken in his marriage and he won't need me anymore. That would make it easier for me.

I can deal w/ the guilt, b/c I don't know his wife. Yet, I am having difficulty when it comes to forfeiting my needs and wants in a relationship, and then feeling guilty when I think I am being selfish. I knew from the beginning that we had limitations, but now it's beginning to take its toll. I just need to figure out if this will get worse over time, if it will become second nature to deal with, or if I need to end it soon to spare my own feelings.