Does he want to end it?
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| Thu, 09-18-2003 - 4:35pm |
The next morning, we were intimate again before he had a 9am meeting and he couldn't finish, and said things were 'just bothering' him. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said sure...It was work, us, etc. but went on and on about work. So I just chalked it up to the stressful 2 days of meetings.
He was supposed to be out of the meeting by 1pm, but it went on to 3:30 and our departure was at 5pm. Didn't give us a lot of quality time together, but hey, he had business first and foremost. We got to the train and found it to be delayed INDEFINITELY. I was very excited when he turned and said, Do you want to stay another night? Absloutely! I said. He had to call home, and when he did so, he spoke to W in another language. He has made calls to W in front of me before, but NEVER once has he spoken to her in a foreign language! When he got off, he said, Let's try to catch a bus, I really should be home...
Ladies, I am at wits end. He knew I was upset and he has jerked me around numerous times over the past week and a half, always very apologetic and (hopefully) sincere. So i overlook it, yet I haven't told him how it annoys me that he can't make up his mind, I have a life to answer to as well (not married, but still). I bite my tongue when he pisses me off and try to show him that I am brushing it off and realizing that it comes w/ the territory. This stuff has only been happening very recently. I asked him on the bus ride home if he wanted to end it b/c he has been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. He shut me down right away, exclaiming, I don't ever want this to end, you have been so good for me!
I still have my doubts and suspicions, what does everyone think? Does it seem as though I should break it off for BOTH our sakes? I mean I have guilt as well, but I am most concerned about the broken heart I may end up with (he's NOT leaving his W, its a livable marriage). However, at this point, I can't help but think that this is destroying him NOW and if I walk away....???
On the other hand, if this is all just a fluke, how do I get my message across to him that he needs to make definitive decisions in a more timely manner, as my life is affected too... I don't want to pressure him, as I know the limitations we have; but I need him understand that my time has become increasingly precious since we first started dating.
Any thoughts/ideas on either of my dilemmas?

I also thought that maybe as his love for me is growing is feelings are more complex. He is on vacation with his wife right now, it does not bother me terribly, as I am busy. But the otehr night, he text messaged me: "I'm going to pretend you're in my arms while we sleep tonight." The first time we made love he told me one of the reasons he was scared was b/c "what if he didn't want his wife anymore." This makes me nervous.
I sometimes like to think of myself as their secret marriage counselor, giving him suggestions on how to get her "in the mood" and communicate with her. I only hear his side, so I tend to take hers. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping he'll one day say that he wants to fix what's broken in his marriage and he won't need me anymore. That would make it easier for me.
I can deal w/ the guilt, b/c I don't know his wife. Yet, I am having difficulty when it comes to forfeiting my needs and wants in a relationship, and then feeling guilty when I think I am being selfish. I knew from the beginning that we had limitations, but now it's beginning to take its toll. I just need to figure out if this will get worse over time, if it will become second nature to deal with, or if I need to end it soon to spare my own feelings.