Does it bother you when MM/W have sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Does it bother you when MM/W have sex?
14
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 12:41am
I'm curious to know how many of you out there get upset over the knowledge that your MM has sex with their W? There are occasions when I know that my MM has with his, and it makes me feel pretty lousy. It's a touchy subject with us, and although we are pretty open and honest with each other, special occasions (like anniversaries or birthdays) can just send me over the edge. So my question is this: how do you deal with it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 12:54am
Hi virgogirl,

MM and I are both married and we both still have an active sex life with our partners... both of us know this and we understand. We don't actively talk about it... but in passing it sometimes come up... when we are discussing sex.

I can't say that there is any particular way to deal with it... for me... I just know it is all part and parcel of the relationship with MM. Neither of us are looking at leaving our marriages so it's only natural that we will still be sleeping with our partners... therefore I just accept it... otherwise it just gets to me.

I know from talking to MM that what we have together is much different that he and his wife... as is what I have with DH. Mine and MM's sex life together is completely different... and this in itself pleases me... so I don't feel jealous of his wife... and I know that he does not feel jealous of DH.

I think it all a matter of getting your mind around it and in a place that can accept it... how... is another thing. I know that what I have with MM is an affair... and that's what I accept it as... but it doesn't make it any less meaniful for me... but it makes it easier to deal with. If that makes sense?

I don't think I really helped you much... somethings some people can deal with... others can't.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:54am
Ivirgogirl...

I feel the same way...it bothers me just the thought of, but I dont ask either becuase im scared of the answer in a way. I mean hello I am not stupid I know they must be having sex. I am single and I am only sleeping with MM. MM and I have IC prolly an average twice a week...but how much with W?? hmmm. Once in a while I throw a question at him or a hint to see what he says. Example we went out of town a few weeks ago and a week later or so I asked him becuase he said him and his W were having problems ... so I said have you had sex with her he told me NO. But you know I know he is very honest with me but I also know he knows I would have gotten hurt. He just says it does not happen often and sometimes it can be a few months before they have sex. According to him its him its not her.

Bottom line I have a hard time dealing with it and I would like to know if he enjoys it as much as with me...even though he has told me no.

Anyhow I know I am not much help NO help at all...I just shared my view...thx...Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 11:19am
Got to second Sweet69. Of course they have sex, and why should that bother me any more than anything else that makes him/them happy? I know he doesn't have it anywhere nearly as often as he'd like, and I know for sure that it's totally different with me. Beyond that, I don't care. There's no point in comparing myself to her or thinking too much about it. I want him to be happy, and if they were happily having sex every day of their lives, I'd be happy for him (though envious - not jealous!).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 2:41pm
My OM tells me that him and his w sleep in seperate bedrooms. I sleep in the same bed with my h but we don't have sex that often. It's been only one time all summer. I would never discuss my sex life with OM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 3:14pm
Well, in my case we simply don't talk about it anymore. It was strange because before he mentioned it I didn't think it would bother me. It did, and it caught me off guard. I think he doesn't want to know about my sex life with H either. We have never agreed not to discuss it (at the time we were only feeling out how much guilt each of us would feel when the time came to sleep with our spouses again). We were both fine, and we don't talk about it anymore - which is fine with me!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 3:50pm
Hey,

My H and I didn't have sex that often to begin with. Once my relationship w MM got heated up (love) I had a hard time having sex with my H. He was never interested before, It was always me anyway, so I just stop having sex with H. It was like I was being unfaithful to MM. He (MM) asked me about it one time and I told him that I wasn't having sex with H anymore and he said "You know I would not ask you not to if you wanted to". I know that H and his W were still haing sex and it really bothered me. I wouldn't ask him not to but it really drove me crazy. I never said anything to him until one night, we were all out together without my H (which we sometimes had to do) and he asked me to go to another club with the group and I whispered in his ear "Not if I have to watch your wife hanging on you". From that moment on he never talked about sex with his wife and would make a point to stay away from her when we all had to be together. He later told me that he did not ever want to make me uncomfortable. A thought that was pretty sweet on his part. I know that they aren't having sex since she found out and I still am not with H so I guess nobody's having any fun since he has been away. Boy does that stink!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 4:05pm
It doesn't bother my MM as much as it bothers me, so I asked him not to talk about it anymore. He and his wife have a fantastic sex life. It's just not very often. But he's always talking about how much he likes oral sex and many of our early conversations revolved around what he wanted to do to me. I confessed to him that my sex life with H has not been good for a while...it had become pretty routine, as we were trying to have a baby and I just had a lot of insecurities about my body before I lost the weight. Oddly, through my conversations with MM, I became a lot more open and my sex life with H got really good. So I started sharing tidbits of information about it with MM and at first he was a little jealous, but now he asks about it. The worst moment for me was when MM had a little love bite on his neck. It wasn't the love bite that bothered me as much as the passion that something like that entails. To me, an A is a lot easier to understand if both parties have troubled marriages...but in a situation like ours, it just doesn't make sense. We're both happy in our other lives, yet we have this attraction that we can't seem to lose, no matter how hard we fight it. It just doesn't make sense. If we were both in bad relationships, this would be SO much easier, but we belong with the people we're with. We just don't fit...there's an age difference and we like different things and, well, just to put it simply, I'm a city girl and he's a country boy. His idea of fun is hanging out on the lake all day drinking beer. Mine is going to the mall, going to the movies, going out to eat... Those two worlds don't fit. Aside from sex, I don't know that we'd even be good together at all. But then, I could sit and talk to him for hours. He's just such a fun person and I'm always happy when I'm around him. Am I making any sense at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 8:58pm
I hate thinking about my MM having sex with his W so I just try not to think about it. One of the reasons we started the A in the first place was because we became very close after discussing our M problems with each other. His issue is that his W has NEVER been very interested in sex and he was feeling very unloved. My issues were different but I needed the attention and friendship he gave me. We got together and the sex is wonderful but also the affection and closeness we feel with each other. But, we both know it's an EMA - neither one of us is going to leave our Ms in the near future- so we just have to realize that we will probably have sex with our spouses. It's not a subject we discuss very much when we're with each other.

TA

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 10:34pm
This area is one of those dips in the roller coaster of being in an EMA.

I'm judging from the way you asked the question that you are single, which makes my situation a bit different. I am M, although the sex is obligatory, not very good and very infrequent. I do sortof look at our A evolving into me being quasi-single. I don't have the same normal M attachments and guilt feelings because I consider my M dead in the water.

However, knowing that I am sleeping with my H (when I can't otherwise avoid it without making a big stink) kinda makes it unreasonable for me to get my nose out of joing that OM sleeps with his g/f. What might send me over the edge if I let it, though, was knowing that it's good sex between them and he enjoys it, lol!!! Every once in a great while, I'll get a touch jealous if I think about it too much. I get a bit upset when the details are a little too specific - particularly in areas where she and I differ, because then I wonder if he compares the two of us and if I'm the one he prefers in that detail or if it's her. But I really try very hard not to worry about that stuff or let it bother me because when he's with me, he's totally with me. It's all about the two of us, not her, not my H. Just me and him. And *that* is good times. He loves me, he shows me that love, he makes me feel that love. Anytime I'm tempted to let schoolgirl insecurities get the best of me, I remind myself of that.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 09-05-2003 - 11:42am
Don't get me wrong - we don't discuss our sex lives. I can *infer* things, though - for example, I know he'd love to have sex every day and that doesn't happen; he's a very generous lover, the kind most women would love to have, so I'm sure he makes her very happy, and making her (or me) happy in any way makes him happy; and stray comments about how much he enjoys our intimacy *suggest* that it's quite different from his home life.

But as far as details - no way. I have no interest in hearing about something so private, nor would I tell him anything about what sex is like with DH.

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