does it ever end completely?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
does it ever end completely?
9
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 6:10pm
Has this ever happened to anyone and can you share your story with me please......two weeks ago my affair of 2 years came to an end when I called his wife....my husband also knows of my affair. Well what I'm asking is, does it ever end nicely? Some of the things the other man has said to me has made me ill and very unsure if I ever meant anything to him in the last 2 years. For example, his last message stated 'that for the last 6 months, it made him sick to look at me and do the things he's done to me'...meanwhile as I recall, he was always bothering me to get away to see him. I am now asking myself was it all a lie? Or do people only say these things out of anger and hurt? We never loved each other (or atleast voiced it) yet I am hurting that he won't even speak to me...I want to apologize and explain my actions but he doesn't want to speak with me....tell me, do you think that this will change over time and that I may be able to explain to him why I did what I did? This was my first affair and his 3rd....I just need reassurance that he will one day speak to me....so any opinion is wanted. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 6:17pm
the last time om and i ended it harsh words were said. i think a lot of it was just anger.

it's hard to say whether your om was telling you the truth or not. why do you want to bother apologizing to him for how he has treated you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:39pm
When I split up w/ my OM/MM, it actually ended well,... Well, as well as could possibly be hoped for. It was awkward and sad, as I imagine all break-ups are. But it ended rather civil. I had decided to end it, on the hopes of trying my best to work on my marriage. There were no harsh words, we promiced to remain friends, ect. It didn't quite work out that way, however. It turned pretty much imediately to avoidance, him avoiding me... which i couldn't really blame him for. I knew I'd hurt him, not to mention that he thought I was nuts because he had seen how abusive my H was. It was really sad, because before we started our EMA, we were really close friends. I missed, and still do miss, his companionship and friendship more than anything. I guess one could say he got his revenge on me, when 6mo.s later, he "helped" my H in his own EMA (covering for him, helping him set up redevzous w/ his OW, ect) My H of that time is now my EX-H. NOT because he cheated, (I'm not that hypocritical!!lol) but because I finaly got sick of the abuse. Now, my XOM and my XH are still friends, XOM is trying to come back in the piture w/ me,.. and if your confused by all the webs tangled up in this story, So Am I!! LOL.

So to answer your original question, does it ever really end? Well, I don't know! Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if there HAD been harsh words, if everything hadn't been handled so politely. If we'd just laid our honesty-cards on the table right from the get-go. But who knows?

I doubt any of this really helped, but atleast you know now that you're not alone in this confusion thing!!

Best of luck! &(((hugs))) AVO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:39pm
I think that his statement to you (about being sick when thinking of what he did to you) is his guilt and sorrow talking, for the fact that he did this to his wife/family. He was probably feeling guilt during that time and ignoring it because the A was too good to give up.

However, I think that if you called his wife, there is not much chance that it's going to end nicely. Ever. He might get to the point of being able to talk to you again, someday, and maybe not. But one way to ensure that any feelings he did have for you are totally extinguished, is for you call his wife. I think that is a pretty safe generality. Just my opinion, and best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 11:11pm
Reading your story, caused me to reflect back on the one of the affairs I've had.

It ended quickly with lots of pain. It was amicable....we both knew it needed to end. Each of us wanted to concentrate on our families. I ached for him, his voice, his attentions. I did end up regretting some things he'd asked me to do that I didn't, but only because I don't have the memories of those experiences with him.

The reason I even offer my story, is one of the things he'd said to me. He never did trust me with any of his information. I never could have any of his information, could never call him, or reach him, other than email/IM'ing. He'd been burned by another. She'd called his wife. She'd hurt him and he wasn't going to let it happen again. To my knowledge, during the times I've been able to sneak away and check, he's not in the places I could find him before. It seems as though he's turned away and been open and honest with his W and made it work with his family.....I'm trying to do the same, but also having issues....i.e., the reason I'm even at this board to begin with.

I know this discussion is a little older, I just wanted to mention, that the trust that I had with him and he with me was like no other. We knew we were each deceivers, liars, adulterers, yet we had to have a trust. That's not the easiest thing to have, and then when that bond of thieves, so to speak is broken, it seems to hurt real bad........How would you feel if someone broke the trust you had with them?????

My suggestion would be to try humility and time. Maybe not even in that order. Do your regret the phone call????????

Your friend,

NSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:27am
I regret that call more than anyone would ever believe. I just need to apologize to him and hope that maybe one day we can face each other again. Do you think that he and I can get past this and be civil to each other? This is my first and last affair and the lessons I've learned I will never forget. But saying that I lost a friend as well....tell me what do I do next?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 12:21pm
Hi xterra

I'm not sure of your story, but I would think that things are over with you and MM if you told his wife about the two of you (especially without giving him warning or discussing it with him beforehand). That's not fair, and unfortunately, he will probably never be able to fully trust you again. Give him time -- see what happens. But just give him time and space.

Good Luck

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:26pm
In my last experience, If I wanted that relationship with my MM, then I HAD to be willing to respect his boundaries. He was great and respected mine right back, he really such a great person and friend to be around.

I do think each of you can and will get past this and be able to be civil with each other..... More than anything else, you will have to be the most humble person you know how to be, if you aren't necessarily humble, which sounds like you can have your moments, learn more about how to be that way.

Patience is the other ingredient, I think. You broke something, maybe you didn't even realize it was there, or that it was something that was so important.....but it was.

You've been in this relationship with him, you should be able to read him, know him to some extent. Give him time and room. Just try and stay out of his way, let him see you giving to make him more comfortable. Leaving the room, giving up something so he can have it.....I don't know exactly the opportunities you get while you're around him, but if you ever do get the chance, if he gives you the chance (which you may have to ask for permission....remember you might have crossed a line in his mind that he trusted you never to do..) then be ready to tell him.

I know I didn't touch on it before, but as far as the things he'd said to you, I agree with the others that it was probably out of anger.....Having an affair causes so much insecurity in our hearts....we wonder so much, and are left to only have ourselves and this board, when we aren't with our OM. We invite so much heartache on ourselves and others when we choose to participate in the a's, but, well, we do it anyway......I know that I absolutely KNEW it was worth it to me. My last one, he was my 3rd, so far, I've stayed away from doing it again, but it's so hard. I want someone that understands me, and my heart aches so much that my dh doesn't and doesn't seem to want to.

OH, well, that's not the reason for the board....

I hope this helps, feel free to email me anytime you want, I'll keep checking the board as well.

NSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 3:56pm
NSS - thank you so much for you response. As I have said numerous times, I am not sure why I am so hurting and concerned for this other man. But any words of advice is much appreciated. You see I have no where else to discuss the other man as everyone is in shock that I would have an affair. Everyone I know says I have the perfect life and I do in some ways but obviously I cannot discuss what I'm thinking about the other man. In your opinion do you really think that he can get past the fact that I told his wife? I mean I did break a major trust but as my someone once told me: you can get past anything and forgive anyone if you want to...trust can be re-built but people cannot be replaced ! I hope that he and I will be able to talk one day. He was a friend after all that has been said and done and someone who's left a mark on my life...I guess its the wait and see game !
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 4:12pm
You know something?????

A really great question might be, " Once a line is crossed, can people who've become intimate ever go back to being friends?"

In another experience I've had, I became intimate with a friend, broke up with my dh (boyfriend at that time) to be with my friend. Due to past relationships gone bad on his part, he pulled away from me and we lost everything.... I was absolutely devastated. DH and I got back together (we'd had one of our 2 kids at that time) and we've been m ever since. I've had 2 a's since that first one. I've honestly NEVER forgotten about the first one, and can still remember our first kiss, the movies we saw, what he wore on our first date.....etc.

I think, more than anything, you probably just need to be grateful for the person you got to know. Him and yourself. Try and think about the lessons you've learned, who you've become because of your experience, and honestly, I'd try to get to a point where you're happy with your life. That you are sorry, and if given the chance, you would apologize, but not to EXPECT a thing.

It takes a certain type of person to be able to not only forgive, but to forget also. I know that when my last A was exposed, I really had to look at my life and be able to talk honestly to dh. I couldn't lie, or bs my way out of anything. It HAD to be the truth. You may never be able to say another thing to him again.

Find peace in yourself, in your own knowledge that if you could have another chance, you wouldn't have broken that trust. Watch for a time to express it, I'm almost positive that will happen someday. And be happy with that.

Over time, you'll miss him less and less. I understand it may not be what you want ot hear, but possibly changing circumstances where you see him might be a road to go down. Give each of you space and help yourself to move on...?????? Just a thought. I had to do that with my 2nd A. Leave the state I was in. It was sad, completely sad. We left so many loved one's, and I hurt so many of my friends. I said some awful things to him, I was so incredibly hurt that he wouldn't leave his w for me. I'm glad now. Marriages need to come first, if they can. That's my o.


I'll be offline soon.......not sure of when I'll return, don't know schedule for tomorrow yet, and I don't post here or check that other email when dh is home......

Email me at notsosure_03@hotmail.com

Chris