Doesn't want to get naked?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Doesn't want to get naked?
13
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 9:36pm
Ok all,I'm confused. My MM and I have a strange relationship I guess. We've been seeing each other for almost two years. We've had some emotional times this month. He tells me one time that he can't have sex with me because it messes his mind up when he goes home. He then confesses that he doubts we'll ever be together in a real future relationship. This was after see-sawing back and forth on the subject for a long time about not knowing what he wants. He's quite the player and heaven knows why I stay attracted to him, but he sees more than just me as well as being married. We're good friends, he helps me out around the house, we talk every day in some form, we tease each other, and we get along great. And the sex when we have had it is incredible.

But my question,over the last month we've had a few opportunities to have sex. Yet each time, he comes up with a reason not to. Literally one time we were both almost completed nude and we didn't. He told me once I was too emotionally attached to him and we can't do that because he doesn't want to see me hurt. He tells me its because it messes him up after he's been with me to go home to his W. I tried to explain I knew where I stood in his life, I accept that we won't have a future together, and that all we probably will be is good friends who have sex once in a while (friends w/benefits), at least until I find a new guy in my life (because my MM is telling me that I need to get out and date and find someone else). Yet, the other day, he comes over to my home, I'm dressed in this wild, sexy, outfit in which I greet him at the door in, and he says, get dressed we need to do the work on your house. I was so sad, but got dressed,we did the work,and then he layed on the couch and I gave him a massage. He was aroused, and then got up, kissed me goodbye,and had to go home. Why? Does anyone have any ideas why he'd do this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 10:42pm
weird............ =(

sounds like a post for LeviGuy!! He'll know what advice to give you!

=)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 10:48pm
It sounds like he may very well be conflicted about sleeping with you and his wife. Or maybe his wife is finally noticing a difference to his attentions. I can tell when my OM has slept with his GF by his readiness to get naked and get in the full swing. Of course, if he's not as into it as I'd like, it disappoints me some, because I would like him to be raring to go for me, of course. But that's part of the whole adultery picture, isn't it? The nice thing about my OM, I will say, is that he will make sure I leave with a smile on my face, a song in my heart, and a dance in my step, even if he's not up to doing everything.

He told me recently that he does have a little trouble figuring out how to manage us both and keep us both happy in bed. Apparently, his GF has been noticing some changes in that department. So, maybe your MM's wife is figuring out the same thing and he's trying to work with that and 'save' himself, as it were, for her in order to create less conflict. Sometimes, I think that may be what my OM is doing...like maybe he realizes that his GF will be assuming they will have sex the same day we've been together and he's trying to make sure he can 'do it like he means it'. Again, I am very disappointed, actually, that I can't 'take care of him' that day, but this is an affair. I am not - no matter how much I wish I were, I am NOT - his primary relationship and he has to take care of business at home, first. I'm not happy in my M and I couldn't care less if I ever sleep with my H again. But OM is not unhappy at home and I don't want to screw up his life.

Don't know if this helped, but I hope so. Good luck figuring this thing out.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Wed, 07-23-2003 - 11:34pm
NY,

Well, this does seem to be pretty strange behavior for a male. One

thing stood out to me in your post. "He sees more than just me and he

is married". Be careful dear.

He may be unsure that he is "safe", and is protecting you, at the

expense of his pleasure. If so, good for him. See the multiple posts

about condoms, HIV and trust that we just went through.

He may just be confused, conflicted. Keeping a lot of girls in play

simultaneously would seem to argue against this theory.

He may have lost interest, his W may be giving him what he has needed,

he may be afraid of being tied down, God only knows what it could be.

Stay safe...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 10:01am
I was thinking the same thing about having been in contact w/someone that he might not have truly been safe with, and now worrying about passing something onto me. He knows I trust him in that department that he would never do anything to hurt me health wise. So it could be that he's just trying to be on the safe side.

Or maybe when he's with me, he knows he is going to be seeing someone else after me, or worrying about the home situation that night. But he's the one that picks and chooses the dates/times, so I would think he would schedule himself accordingly.

I don't think he's lost interest, because we are in situations where we almost do it, and then he pulls away and leaves. I don't think he'd put himself in that situation if he wasn't interested.

I'm so confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 10:22am
He does it for the reasons he said he does it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 10:37am
NY,

(Thanx Lexy...)

Pretty weird, but if nyblond means New York City, well wonder no more...

Desert has a point, he could be wondering if he's got a zoo down yonder. That would be one explaination.

Jim Morrison said "People are strange," and this dude is different. I'd believe the "messes with the mind" remark if he was married & conflicted, but you say he's a player & see others besides you and the W.

(For your part, could it be that you want the challenge of seeing if you can sack him?)

If not, then 1)Maybe his thrill is bringing himself to the edge of temptation and then splitting--that'd give him something to jerk off to. 2)Maybe he likes to see who he can turn on and then split--that'd give his ego a boost. 3)Maybe he wants to fool around a little, but is worried about taking some pets home.

The one thing hard to figure is why he does this over two years? Doesn't make sense. After two years I'd think you'd be closer to figuring out his deal. Overall, it sounds like a very bad arragement for you, and I'm frustrated just reading your post.

Personally, I couldn't resist the need to say, "Hey, what's your f-ing deal, man, and this time the truth." You might try it.

The bottom line for me is the "player" remark. You can never believe a player.

--LG


Edited 7/24/2003 12:23:05 PM ET by leviguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 1:03pm
HI I thought I'd come out of lerk-dom to give you my opinion,

Many guys have EMA or casual s whatever you want to call it and in their heart feel that it is wrong and that they are huring their w and jeapordizing their family. At the same time thought they are attracted to you and have an enormous s drive. They may not even have s with you as a friend unless they are weak and give in, even after that they will feel the guilt and perhaps distance themselves from you because you were the person that got them in this situation.

Don't question it, it is what it is, and if you can't deal with it just go back to being platonic questions, they you can forget about the physical part.

I was kind of in this situation, but we're just co-workers now, it was too hard for him and he kept distancing himself after s. I was confused for a while and somewhat miffed, but I realized that he was having all these conflicting thoughts in his mind.

I actually think women are simpler in this area than men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 3:53pm
NY,

One other thought occured to me. I have no data on

his age, but was wondering if performance might be an

issue? Impotence can strike men at many stages of their

lives for various reasons. It may be that things just

aren't happening for him in that department a lot of

the time, and he knows it. Women can pretty easily fake

the entire process, men can't. If it isn't happening,

it just isn't happening. For some men, that stress

alone can insure it isn't going to happen either.

Considering the breadth of human sexual expression,

perhaps this is just his way of obtaining pleasure.

Perhaps the act gives him less pleasure that the chase,

seduction, and getting you hot. Just a thought.

I still think the "safety" issue is the most

probable explanation. Please, please protect yourself.

Trust in your player here can kill you. Don't die for

this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 5:49pm
Performance could be a problem, but I'm pretty sure he takes something,I'm just not sure what.He's 50 years old. Someone said his problem is his xxxx may just be too sore from being a player - I had to laugh, but it may be true.

Now with things guys catch - how does that work, if he thinks he has something, he goes to the doc, gets a prescription, and a few weeks later he's better? Guess I'm not up to speed in the disease world. I never worried before, and never thought I had to worry. But now you have me thinking. What kinds of things can guys get that will keep them out of action for a few weeks at a time, and then they are ready to go?

A few times we were together earlier in the relationship I ended up with urinary tract infections afterwards each time. But haven't had one in months. Do you know if you can get a UTI from this? Sorry I'm so naive, I guess I need to do some studying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Thu, 07-24-2003 - 7:19pm
A man can pass a urinary tract infection (UTI) from one woman to another. If one partner has one, the other one should probably be treated for it, too.

There are a lot of STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) that can be cured with a pill if caught early. There are also some (for example, HIV, herpes) that cannot be cured. One false move and these diseases will be with you for life. Please do some research and get to know what the risks are. There is a ton of info out there.

PLEASE be careful. Please use condoms. Pug

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