DONT HAVE AN AFFAIR

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
DONT HAVE AN AFFAIR
18
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:31pm
Hi Everyone,

This is for the ones that are thinking about having an affair. Run away fast !! It is the worst thing for your life!! I dont know how I got involved in mine and now I wish I didn't. I am trying very hard to get out and I have only been out for 9 days. I have a H and 3 children who I love more than anything. I would do anything to go back to when he asked me out to say no. The A changed EVERYTHING in my life. I hate myself for what I have done. I just hope I can keep the A ended. We work together so it is hard. Believe me dont do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 4:36pm
Just curious...how has the A changed EVERYTHING for you? Were you just not able to handle the moral issue? Did you get caught? My A makes me so happy. I would just like to know where it went so wrong with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 7:01pm
Shopwme ... I completely agree with you. I too had an affair with someone I work with. At first we were just "great friends" - onfided in each other about our lives, marriages .. and eventually lack of sex from our spouses. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I was just a number to this guy .. I don't even think I realize it now. But I miss him and our chats. Why? Is that what I wanted more than anything - a close friend? Unfortunately his advances became too much for my weak willpower and blooming sex drive. My husband and I were have BIG sex problems.

So here I am - 6 months later - feeling worse now than before we had sex. I opened my heart (and legs) to this guy and regretted every time (it wasn't great either. We hardly speak now because he says I am too complicated. Probably right.

But why am I so sad? I know he was just using me. I haven't told a soul .. so thanks for listening.

Affairs are more romantic ... before you have sex. Don't do it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:29pm
There you are! I've been looking all over for you ladies..!

Can you please tell me more why it wasn't worth it for happly married person to have A?

I'm a second away from it and just so hard not to think about him.. is it just 'lush' I'm craving for..? Why do I feel so attracted to this particular guy..? I have too much to lose in my marriage and I used to know how to draw the line between innocent flirting and actual A before, but this is the first time, I can hardly control myself.. For now, I try the hardest not to fall into his flirty talk but we just keep staring each others eyes a lot longer than we should and.. Deep inside of me saying "Why are you playing hard to get? Go for it, before he changes his mind!!".. so sad.. I'm hoping that he'll be still interested in me until I see him again..

I'm doing this for months now.. from happily married men or women, I'd like to hear more about how you felt after your A.. good or bad.. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:54pm
Pinkie,

I'm a happily married woman who has been having an A for the past four months. I can tell you that my MM has added so much to my life in so many ways. He lights me up inside and makes me feel beautiful and cherished. But this A has also complicated things like you wouldn't believe. It's so much fun but there's an incredible amount of risk, too. We got careless on Friday and his W almost caught us. If she had walked in the room two seconds earlier, there would have been NO denying what was going on between us. My whole life would have completely changed in an instant. Am I stopping the affair? No. I feel like I'm in too deep now. But I am fully aware that it's not a game and it's not to be entered into lightly. Please think about all aspects of having an A - not just the fun, exciting parts - before you do it.

I do not regret this A but my answer might have been different if his W had walked in the room two seconds earlier than she did.

Good luck to you!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:17pm
How has my A changed everything?

I spent all my time at home with my kids thinking only of them. Now I add someone else to think about. I feel guilty about wanting to go with MM when I see my H. I cry all the time from guilt. I cant say anything to anyone. Including my close friends. I feel all botled up inside. I never understood why I had an A and I dont know why it so hard to get out of it. I know I lost a friend because their is no way we can go back to where we were. I just wish I had the willpower before the A to say no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:29pm
Pinkie ... for what its worth, here is my story. When my "friend" and I started to interact at work, it was awesome. We were so in tune with each other and we laughed so much. Thats how it started. It didn't take long before it was obvious we were both sexually attracted to each other .. he paid me so many compliments, he knew all the right things to say and do. I was overwhelmed by my desires for me. He was so convincing about everything "I wanted" .. how we were so awesome together. He told me what an amazing lover he was and how he only wanted to please his partner. Wow .. I was sold.

It started very innocently with just a little flirty touching .. and then more intimate touching that was amazingly arousing. I hadn't felt that aroused in a VERY long time. And he knew it -- he knew what he was doing. It was a plan.

Unfortunately, after we had sex .. all the "promises" disappeared. It was like his conquest was over. He became very cold and dismissing. I was very hurt and when I tried to talk to him about it he would dismiss my comments or tell me that I was too dramatic. Oh, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed all the attention .. but it became obvious that "his" needs were most important to him.

TO make this sob story short, things have not been great with us. I have been trying to cut things off. Not phoning ... being unavailable. He doesn't get it .. he thinks nothing is wrong. He just wants things to resume where we left off. But its too much of a one-sided relationship. I think he is a fine person, but just ultra selfish and self-serving. It took me a few months to realize it. And the other thing I realized is what the hell was I thinking .. that this man could compare in any way to my husband love.

For me, the affair sucked. And how I felt after it sucked more. And worse, I believe the part that upsets me the most is that I lost a friend that I felt I could discuss anything with .. like my marriage problems. I had no one else. Or maybe the part that sucks evenmore is that I thought I had a friend, but really, he was just another predator.

Aim-less

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:24pm
I never posted before, I've just been reading, trying to somehow find some advice without telling my long, boring affair story, seeing how other people handle it and cope with their feelings. To tell you the truth, you encourage the affairs a lot more than I would have expected ... I wish I would have found this site and had your support before my BF found out about my affair!

So anyway - I would just like to agree with you. My serious boyfriend recently confronted me about my affair, and being somewhat of a good person (with a few exceptions, like the horrible mistake of cheating on him w/ my ex) I could not lie to him and say it never happened once he flat out asked me if we had sex...

Well, since then, my life has been a living hell (pardon my French) We are still together, but I think it is only / mainly because of our baby... I feel like he doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm sorry, and I love him, and that I NEVER meant for the A to happen... It makes me cry just about every day!

I feel like he has no trust in me anymore and I was always one to say that without trust, how can there be love?

Seeing how hurt I have made my BF (and knowing that in the long run, I've also hurt my son) hurts me SOOOOO MUCH, and makes me feel like a total piece of garbage, because I love him (and our son) SO much and I wish that either this whole thing never happened, or that everyone involved could just forget it ever happened ... But they never forget that it happened, and it's between you for the rest of your lives together...

Now, I live in constant fear that one day my BF will just snap and leave me, we fight a lot because of it (his seeminly total lack of interest in/ feellings for me now) which makes everything so much worse.

He says he still loves me, but all I can think is How can he after I did such a thing to him? So now, all I have in my life is insecurity and fear, not to mention self loathing.

My advice to everyone is the same as shopwme ... DO NOT have an affair ... if you are having one, I am not judging any of you - just giving advice that it can be the worst mistake of your life ... I think that no matter how careful you think you are being, your feelings and emotions will eventually give hints that you can't control (or something) and eventually everyone gets the feeling that something is going on. AND - even if you think that you won't care if your BF/hubbie/whoever finds out - you may think differently once it happens!

I know it's hard to even think about ending the A ... I think about my OM all the time - even though he showed his true colors when my BF found out, and was just angry that I told, I still really want to talk to him, and sometimes I wish that we could just be together, because of the way he seems to love me and be totally devoted to me, hang on my every word... but I know it can never happen. I just didn't pick up everytime he called me, until eventually he stopped calling, because I knew that was what was best for everyone ... I still see him from time to time, usually when I'm taking my walks to think about things... he'll be driving by, staring at me - like he wants to jump out of the moving car and jump my bones! It REALLY makes me want him! So I am more confused than ever, on top of being horribly depressed and angry at myself.

But if I never started the A, I would be almost perfectly happy, with an occasional fight with my BF. Instead, I hate every second of my life.

I guess I just wanted to say that A's DO ruin MANY lives, including mine (horribly) and I'm just glad to find someone else that was having one and agrees. (usually, it's just people that never had an A that bash it)

It was fun while it lasted, but DEFINATELY NOT WORTH IT!

PS sorry this was so long, I've never been able to vent myself about this yet ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:33pm
hi shopwme -- honey, you're feeling alot of guilt here and that's pretty normal for most women in an A. but i'm a little worried for you because of the depth of your despair. if you can, would you consider seeing a counselor about your depression and inability to move off this situation, good or bad?? i don't usually suggest therapy, but you sound very bad just now.

if you're not strong enough to end it, can you just not talk with your A partner for a few days so you can get a little peace? i'm sorry, i just don't know what else to say to you honey.

keep posting and we'll try to help you through this hard time. hugs!!

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:50pm
I have to agree with you shopwme. Its is really hard sometimes to be in one. Don't ever get into it if you have the choice to see the other person with all their faults. Sometimes I also feel like I am wasting time. I left a marriage to be with a man who can't be with me all the time. Why?? If I wished i could have a baby and settle down with H. Somedays I can't tell the difference between them. I don't know, I lost all my happy feeling from the morning. Things are not going too well between us now. I am so sick of it all. Thanks for letting me vent.


Edited 5/5/2004 3:52 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:01pm
jules, what's going on honey? did that man do something in the last 5 hours!? tell....

life

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