Don't know how to get out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Don't know how to get out!
2
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:57pm
I'll try to cut a very long story short. I have been engaged for four years now, planning to get married by the end of this year.My relationship with my fiance is the "pragmatically" perfect one. "Technically" we are the perfect match. Emotionally and sexually though, the compatibility rate is between average and zero!! Im usually a very practical, functional person. I always thought, that the passion and love would anyway diminish after marriage. What's left is the respect we have for each other and other aspects of life that we share. That's what got me through four years of engagement.Knowing that the man Im marrying now, will remain the same for the coming God knows how many years and that my relationship with him will not change much. I knew what to expect.

Last December, MM comes into the picture. I met him online. He lives in a another country and comes every month just to spend 5-6 days with me. I didn't know he was married at first. He told me he was just engaged, but after a couple of encounters he confessed he was married for two years now and has a son who is 10 months old. He said he didnt want to tell me, but didnt want me to put my hopes up and live a lie! Anyway, being with MM is so totally different. I feel alive! When we're apart i feel like im burried six feet under and Im only revived the last few days before he arrives. He organizes everything. He takes care of the accomodation, the flights, we never meet in the same place twice. He always makes sures to reserve in the finest and most luxurious hotels and we are off to a new romantic getaway every month! It's a dream! It's vwery exciting and the most beautiful thing is we are so much in love! I have never been with a man who is so compatible with my soul and so in touch with my emotions! we have an incredible taste-match that it becomes freaky at time. We are always thinking of the same things! And then when it's over I get hit hard by the reality that I am engaged to a person who i admire and respect so much but cant handle the idea of waking up beside him every morning. I dont want to even have sex with him any more.Sex with fiance was never fun to begin with. No foreplay, no romantic talk,nothing but the missionary position!! The few times I've had sex with fiance after my A started, I was the one who wanted to get it over with asap. I even pretended at time that I have my period so that he keeps away from me. {That's how good the sex was with MM. I have to admit,i never thought sex could be that breathtaking!}

Now, having thought this over, I dont want to get married! Not now (im 22!!) and not to that person! Now I realize that life is not all that practical. I dont have to live that down-to-earth! Mind you, my parents got divorced last summer after my dad had an affair and it was a horrible experience. So this might have also had something to do with it.

I want out of the engagement! I know I have no hope to be with MM. He made it clear that he wants a simple nice relation, someone to love and share his trouble with.Someone to re-live romantic moment with. NEver promised me to leave his wife or kid for me. So I dont want out to be with MM! I just think my A made me realize that the grass might be greener on the other side afterall! And that I dont have to compromise passion and romance for more functional and pragmatic reasons! I can,at least, for a while have both! I have discussed things with fiance.Told him what I needed and what I want from him. he promised to do his best. But I just dont want to continue. I dont want to even give second chances. His best is just not what I want! But I dont want to break his heart! he is a very nice and decent person! I was trying to take it slowly. I asked for a break for a couple of weeks, but after only three days fiance called up and said that he cant live without me. I asked him to give me a chance to know what I want out of my life. (I got job offers outside my current resident country and thinking of taking them just to be as far as possible from Fiance) Every time i try to imply it's over, he hangs on more to it, making it very difficult for me to break free. I dont want to hurt him! But I dont think I can tolerate it any more! I dont have the courage to tell him that I fell OUT of love, let alone tell him that I was not even in love to begin with. MM is indifferent about whether i stay with fiance or not. He said if he was single, he would have done everything to get us together but since he is not available, he could never be exclusively mine anyway. A is not the cause of the breakup. A and MM just opened my eyes that I might be more compatible with other people out there and not just on a functional level! But what to do with my fiance! Any advice would be really appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:30pm
I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with these issues, I know how you feel. My M was one based on friendship and the ability to get along. These are great things, but if you are lacking a true emotional bond and similar values, you end up with nothing. I still like and respect my W, but I have never truly been compatible with her. I made a big mistake and was too stubborn to admit it or even recognize it. Now I am 8 years into a M with a child and another on the way. The complications involved in ending my M are numerous. I am working through it, but please think about going through my situation and realize that you have the ability to avoid all of this right now. As difficult as it may seem to break off a long engagement, it is nothing compared to a divorce with children involved.

On a positive note, I do want to tell you that I have found my soulmate and she is everything I have ever wanted in a partner and more. She completes me in a way that is beyond anything I could have hoped for. So there is hope. Don't settle for less than you deserve. And good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 3:37pm
Thank you so much for the advice. IT also helped a lot coming from someone who as I used to, married, believed that friendship and ability to get along are enough to get married. It proved wrong obviously. So this part I know now. I am not ready to marry this person. The other dilemma is....how to break these news to him..........