don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
don't know what to do
5
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:06am
this is the first time i am actually writing to a message board so bear with me. i have read these boards to see if i'm not alone. i am having an affair with a MM. it's been at least 6 months now. he is 15 years older than me and been married for 31 years. we had a talk and he basically told me he could be a part time lover and will spend time with me when he can. he doesn't really initiate the contact. i pretty much start everything. to make it short, i am in love with this guy and he doesn't feel the same way. i am deeply hurt and i need help. i try to keep myself busy with things but this situation has taken over me. i want a change and i can't seem to shake this. i don't like feeling this way but all i could think about is what i could do to get his attention. i desperately need someone's strong advice.

i tried breaking up with him 4 weeks ago. after 3 weeks, i called him. then yesterday, i called him again and met him. i could tell he's moved on even though he says he still wants to see me. i paid for my lunch which was ok but he never did that before. i also found out he doesn't even know my cell phone number by heart. i feel like i am talking nonsense here but i want out of this situation. please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:20am
Needhelp,

I am so sorry for you and sympathize with the heartbreak you are going through. If you know in your heart and soul that this man does not love you, you must let him go. He has left you no choice. If, after three weeks of NC, he is acting lukewarm to you, he has moved on. You can't force him to feel something he doesn't. If he agrees to see you now, he probably will be doing so only in order to get some physical gratification. It sounds like you want and need more than that.

Now, this is about you and only you--the healing process that you must now go through in order to move your life beyond this man. Commit to the idea of leaving this man alone permanently. You deserve better. Take some time for yourself. Do things you enjoy with firends or alone. Although he will be on your mind constantly in the beginning, over time and little-by-little, you will be able to move on with your life. Good luck!!

-Tropics

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 11:48am
Hi there.

I don't think I can do much but echo what Tropics wrote. She really hit the nail on the head, and I wouldn't normally post something so "me too" but when you're down like you seem to be, maybe feeling like more voices around you are supportive can help.

You sound like you know you deserve more than this MM will offer. Don't sell yourself short; start to heal, then you can open yourself to a more mutual, fulfilling relationship. It doesn't sound like this man will give you anything but long term heartbreak.

I hope you can let this go and try to find something as wonderful as you deserve. Good luck.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 1:17pm
Thank you for your reply and tropics. Although I am very aware of what's good and right for me, my heart takes control. It's stupid and childish. I am about to head out and go get the book "This Affair is Over" to see if that will help too. At this point, I need to try to let this go. It is not easy. It's a struggle to just get through my day without thinking about all these. By the way,we work in the same place, so I see him there in passing. I have no close friends here for support. They are all from out of town. Again, thank you for a sound advice. As for how I actually deal with this is a big question mark. I deserve more with my life and I just wish I know how to deal with this problem. It really breaks my heart when I think of him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:55pm
Hon, I can totally relate--my MM and I work in the same OFFICE. We spend every day not five feet from each other, and I've thought so many times that I should break up with him, I should just do it and move on with my life, but it would kill me to have to be so close to him every day, so... I don't know. I can't offer much advice, but I can offer a sympathetic ear, 'cause I've been there, mostly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:10pm
my MM is very clear about what he could only give me. i know i need to move on but i tell you, it's easy said than done. it takes up all my energy (whatever is left). i just want my old self back when he was not part of my life.